[stylist] DBG 9: The son my mother wanted.

[LoriStay at aol.com]

A rickshaw is a cart in which two or at most three people can sit, and it 
is generally pulled by a runner, or someone on a bicycle.   Perhaps you coul 
describe the rickshaw in your story, as it seems a bit out of place here.   
I've only ridden in one once, and that was in, of all places, Kentucky, back 
in 1985.   Interesting ride, but it seemed very strange to make one man 
work so hard to pull two able bodied adults up and down the hills.
In your story, who pulls the rickshaw?   A dragon?   Or does the witch 
power it?   I found myself wondering.

 I was just
standing there when her pink immaculate nails dug into my flesh.
I'd probably have written ...her immaculate pink nails.
Why?   Something about the sound of the two adjectives, I guess.


Mother dragged me behind some spiky bushes.  She roughly pulled off my
neon pink and black dress, and dressed me in a plain shirt and
trousers, that boys usually wore.
Here you might make it plain that the girl is under an enchantment, or your 
readers will wonder why she doesn't fight or put up some form of 
resistance.   You do mention it later, but in needs to be here:   She roughly pulled 
off...etc. I could not move...   The fright part comes later.   Or you could 
say, because I could not move, fear coursed through my body...   (Don't say 
was feeling--that's too passive)

I definitely wanted more out of this scene.

However, I find myself getting a little tired of the mother and her all 
powerful craziness.   As for the beatings and the quick changes of school, 
there needs to be more point to them, or more explanation for them.   I realize 
Nadia doesn't totally understand what is going on some of the time, but your 
reader does need to understand it.

I recently came across a book called "The Changeling," in which the main 
character was totally convinced she was a boy until puberty because she had 
been raised as a boy.   But then things became obvious to her.   She wasn't 
crazy, but had lost her parents early on.   I haven't read the book yet, but 
in another book with a similar theme, the child was raised as a boy and 
referred to as a boy as a form of protection.

In your story, it just seems to be a form of punishment.   

Also, when the mother refers to her (sister?) and her two signing children 
as fruitcakes in front of the policepeople, I found that frankly 
unbelievable that they wouldn't call her on that, or at least exchange meaningful 
glances.

In the midst of the discussion about bruises and schools, the mother begins 
to refer to Nadia as a girl.   How odd.

The woman is obviously mentally deranged.   Everyone seems to know it, and 
yet she still has custody of her child.   I'm afraid my disbelief is 
resisting being suspended.
Lori


In a message dated 9/20/09 3:28:36 PM, dreamavdb at googlemail.com writes:


> 
> Beria’s rickshaw landed in the playing field. 
>