[stylist] Chapter 0

Mon Apr 26 00:24:08 UTC 2010

Joe,
An excellent first draft! It holds the reader's interest. If I had to 
criticize anything, however, especially about the dialog which is what 
you requested, I would only say that my sense of the man from the 
fraternity who calls is that he wouldn't be quite as wordy. In general, 
I find that the fewer words you give a character of this type, the more 
frightening they become. This could be accomplished simply by making the 
remarks more concise. There's also something else that came to mind, and 
I hesitate to share it because I obviously don't know where the story 
came from in the Prologue or where it goes. What occurred to me is that 
you have introduced a point of suspense -- the man knowing they would 
contact him sooner or later -- and you have also solved some of that 
suspense -- they want him to raise someone else's son -- all within one 
chapter. If you're going to get right into the preparations for taking 
in this kid or his decision to take his family and run or whatever his 
reaction is, then it's fine. I just wondered if there might be other 
elements that you need to introduce anyway and if holding off on the 
content of the request could be used as a suspense builder. Maybe he 
gets the call and knows they want something, but doesn't find out 
exactly what. Just some thoughts. It's good the way it stands; Keep on 
writing.
Donna Hill

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Joe Orozco wrote:
> Dear all,
>
> I wrote the material below in the span of an hour.  Therefore, do not expect
> anything great.  It still needs a lot of development.  In fact, it is
> Chapter 0 because I feel this may be a better beginning to my novel after
> the suspense of the prologue, but for the moment I am especially interested
> in your assistance with dialogue.  All suggestions are welcomed, and for
> this chapter you needn't worry about offensive content.  Cindy's website
> recommendation looks like a great one.  I'll reserve my sensitive content
> for that venue if it would make people happy.
>
> ***
>
> 	Christian always knew they would come calling one day.  He wasn't
> sure how they would make contact.  Perhaps a mysterious letter would one day
> appear in their mailbox.  Maybe one morning he would open his e-mail inbox
> to discover a message from an unidentified sender, but given their obsession
> with secrecy, it was more likely that someone from the old fraternity would
> simply appear at the front door bearing news of the type Christian and his
> family could do without.
> 	They chose the telephone.  Christian would have never guessed the
> fraternity would gamble with an unsecure line, but he had always been right
> to assume that when they did reconnect with him, it would come as a total
> surprise no matter how much he thought he'd prepared for the inevitable
> encounter.  On the morning the call came through he was deeply immersed in
> the first chapter of his latest novel.  The idea had come to him, as so many
> of them often did, without forethought, and by the time he'd seen his family
> out the door, the kernel of an idea had swelled into the makings of a
> promising plot.
> 	He snapped a glance at the caller ID, saw that it was an
> unidentified caller and dismissed it as a telemarketer.  In his feverish
> state of mind he only wanted to be left alone to fully concentrate on the
> story unfurling under his fingers.
> 	"Mr. Adams, this is Don speaking.
> 	Christian froze, fingers hovering over the laptop keyboard, eyes
> slowly moving to the answering machine that was now conveying a clipped
> British accent from his past.
> 	"I trust you are well.  It has been a while since we've spoken, and
> I am sure there is much catching up for us to do."
> 	The energy left Christian in a stomach-turning lurch.  He slumped in
> his seat, eyes riveted to the machine.
> 	"Mr. Adams, it is important that we speak at your earliest
> opportunity.  If you are listening to me now, it would be preferable that
> you pick up the phone so that we may discuss the matter.  This is most
> urgent."
> 	Christian pondered it for a moment.  He could ignore the call,
> pretend he was not home.  Then a memory of the man's ice blue glare
> surfaced.  That penetrating stare had always troubled Christian.  Now it was
> almost as though the man were in the room, daring him to be foolish.  He
> slowly reached out for the receiver, willing his voice to sound calm and
> collected.  This was a fine morning after all, and there was no need to be
> afraid of a mere voice at the other end of the line.
> 	"Hello," he croaked.
> 	"Ah, good.  I see you are home after all."
> 	"Wha, what do you want?"
> 	"Come now, Mr. Adams that is no way to greet an old friend."
> 	"We are not friends."
> 	"So you are still a bit sore about that old business.  I dare say it
> has been far too long for you to hold a grudge."
> 	"You're unbelievable."
> 	"Alas, it would appear time may not heel all wounds after all.  So,
> let me get to the purpose of my call."
> 	Christian's hand tightened around the receiver.  He had never cared
> for the man's false joviality, but he was sure it would be far preferable to
> the blow that was no doubt coming.
> 	"One of your brothers has met with an unfortunate...accident."
> 	"I have no brothers."
> 	"I'm sorry.  I thought we were through being coy.  Biologically,
> yes, you are correct, but of course you know full well I was referring to
> the brotherhood in the fraternity."
> 	"I left the fraternity."
> 	"You never left the fraternity," the man sighed as though exercising
> immense patience with a stubborn child.  "You may never leave the
> fraternity.  You were well aware of this at your induction."
> 	"I was told I could--"
> 	"You were told you could what," the man interrupted, no longer
> bothering with pleasantries, "just leave and pretend your membership and
> allegiance never existed?"
> 	Christian's eyes strayed to the family photo hanging over the
> fireplace.  In the picture his son Kevin was a newborn cradled in the arms
> of a smiling Carolyn.  Posing for the photo, he had felt that his life had
> truly taken a turn for the better, that his past would fade into distant
> memory.  Now, despite the fear still raking his stomach, he almost grinned
> at his own stupidity.  Had he truly believed he could just get away?
> 	"One of the brothers and his wife have met with an untimely death.
> They had a son, Theodore, who has been left behind with no suitable
> guardians.  The High Council has met and decided your family would be best
> suited to assume responsibility for the young man."
> 	"I beg your pardon?"
> 	Christian was torn.  On the one hand he could not have felt more
> relieved.  He had been certain the request would be far more despicable.
> Exactly what he thought they might ask of him he could not imagine, but on
> the other hand, what was this business about taking care of a boy?
> 	"What part of it did you not comprehend, Mr. Adams?"
> 	Christian sat forward.  "You want me to just take in a boy I've
> never met?  From a group of people I haven't even spoken to in more than
> eighteen years?"
> 	"In a word, yes.  Do you foresee a problem with that?"
> 	"Do I foresee a problem with that?"  Christian was appalled.
> "You're damn right I foresee a problem with that.  I think you're crazy to
> just call me up this way."
> 	"I'm sorry."  The man's sarcasm told Christian he was anything but.
> "Should we have rolled out the announcement in a red carpet for you?  You
> have an obligation to the fraternity.  For years now you have been allowed
> to go about your business despite the concerns of several of the brothers.
> Your respite is over.  Taking care of the son of one of your brethren should
> be an honor to you, especially since worthier members would have been all
> too glad for the privilege."
> 	"I am sorry for the boy's loss," Christian hissed.  "But you just
> can't call me and expect me to be overjoyed at the thought of being coerced
> into taking in a child from a family I never even met."
> 	"Coercion," the man mused, savoring the word.  "That is not quite
> how I view it, but you are right to assume that you do not really have a
> choice in the matter.  The boy will be coming to your home in approximately
> three months.  This should give you ample time to prepare for his arrival."
> 	"And if I refuse?"
> 	"Let us hope you will never need to find out."
>
> ***
>
> Joe Orozco
>
> "Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves,
> some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."--Sam Ewing
>  
>
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