[stylist] Chapter 0

Mon Apr 26 17:54:06 UTC 2010

Hi Joe,

I agree with all the comments thus far; I think it's good. I think the 
dialogue is fine, but see below. I have a fewe quibbles:

First paragraph: ".sure how they would make contact.  Perhaps a mysterious 
letter would one day appear in their mailbox." - Whose mailbox? Christian's? 
"They" in the paragraph is referring to the people after Christian, but it 
isn't their mailbox.

Same paragraph: "simply appear at the front door bearing news of the type 
Christian and his family could do without." - I think "Could do without" is 
fairly vague and often used as a punchline: "My mother-in-law is visiting. 
That's something I could do without!" It doesn't seem sinister enough to me.

I agree with the previous comment about the answering machine; I think you 
should state that the dialogue is coming from the answering machine on the 
same line as the dialogue itself. It is a bit confusing as you have it 
written. It almost seems at first glance that Christian typed the message on 
his laptop.

I think you will need to add some dialogue tags. It is unclear who is 
speaking the first line of dialogue when it follows a paragraph, e.g., ".the 
blow that was no doubt coming.
"One of your brothers has met with an unfortunate...accident."
I know in this case it is pretty obvious who is speaking, but it won't 
always be clear to the reader.

I look forward to reading more.

Neil

--------------------------------------------------
From: "Joe Orozco" <jsorozco at gmail.com>
Sent: Sunday, April 25, 2010 5:11 PM
To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: [stylist] Chapter 0

> Dear all,
>
> I wrote the material below in the span of an hour.  Therefore, do not 
> expect
> anything great.  It still needs a lot of development.  In fact, it is
> Chapter 0 because I feel this may be a better beginning to my novel after
> the suspense of the prologue, but for the moment I am especially 
> interested
> in your assistance with dialogue.  All suggestions are welcomed, and for
> this chapter you needn't worry about offensive content.  Cindy's website
> recommendation looks like a great one.  I'll reserve my sensitive content
> for that venue if it would make people happy.
>
> ***
>
> Christian always knew they would come calling one day.  He wasn't
> sure how they would make contact.  Perhaps a mysterious letter would one 
> day
> appear in their mailbox.  Maybe one morning he would open his e-mail inbox
> to discover a message from an unidentified sender, but given their 
> obsession
> with secrecy, it was more likely that someone from the old fraternity 
> would
> simply appear at the front door bearing news of the type Christian and his
> family could do without.
> They chose the telephone.  Christian would have never guessed the
> fraternity would gamble with an unsecure line, but he had always been 
> right
> to assume that when they did reconnect with him, it would come as a total
> surprise no matter how much he thought he'd prepared for the inevitable
> encounter.  On the morning the call came through he was deeply immersed in
> the first chapter of his latest novel.  The idea had come to him, as so 
> many
> of them often did, without forethought, and by the time he'd seen his 
> family
> out the door, the kernel of an idea had swelled into the makings of a
> promising plot.
> He snapped a glance at the caller ID, saw that it was an
> unidentified caller and dismissed it as a telemarketer.  In his feverish
> state of mind he only wanted to be left alone to fully concentrate on the
> story unfurling under his fingers.
> "Mr. Adams, this is Don speaking.
> Christian froze, fingers hovering over the laptop keyboard, eyes
> slowly moving to the answering machine that was now conveying a clipped
> British accent from his past.
> "I trust you are well.  It has been a while since we've spoken, and
> I am sure there is much catching up for us to do."
> The energy left Christian in a stomach-turning lurch.  He slumped in
> his seat, eyes riveted to the machine.
> "Mr. Adams, it is important that we speak at your earliest
> opportunity.  If you are listening to me now, it would be preferable that
> you pick up the phone so that we may discuss the matter.  This is most
> urgent."
> Christian pondered it for a moment.  He could ignore the call,
> pretend he was not home.  Then a memory of the man's ice blue glare
> surfaced.  That penetrating stare had always troubled Christian.  Now it 
> was
> almost as though the man were in the room, daring him to be foolish.  He
> slowly reached out for the receiver, willing his voice to sound calm and
> collected.  This was a fine morning after all, and there was no need to be
> afraid of a mere voice at the other end of the line.
> "Hello," he croaked.
> "Ah, good.  I see you are home after all."
> "Wha, what do you want?"
> "Come now, Mr. Adams that is no way to greet an old friend."
> "We are not friends."
> "So you are still a bit sore about that old business.  I dare say it
> has been far too long for you to hold a grudge."
> "You're unbelievable."
> "Alas, it would appear time may not heel all wounds after all.  So,
> let me get to the purpose of my call."
> Christian's hand tightened around the receiver.  He had never cared
> for the man's false joviality, but he was sure it would be far preferable 
> to
> the blow that was no doubt coming.
> "One of your brothers has met with an unfortunate...accident."
> "I have no brothers."
> "I'm sorry.  I thought we were through being coy.  Biologically,
> yes, you are correct, but of course you know full well I was referring to
> the brotherhood in the fraternity."
> "I left the fraternity."
> "You never left the fraternity," the man sighed as though exercising
> immense patience with a stubborn child.  "You may never leave the
> fraternity.  You were well aware of this at your induction."
> "I was told I could--"
> "You were told you could what," the man interrupted, no longer
> bothering with pleasantries, "just leave and pretend your membership and
> allegiance never existed?"
> Christian's eyes strayed to the family photo hanging over the
> fireplace.  In the picture his son Kevin was a newborn cradled in the arms
> of a smiling Carolyn.  Posing for the photo, he had felt that his life had
> truly taken a turn for the better, that his past would fade into distant
> memory.  Now, despite the fear still raking his stomach, he almost grinned
> at his own stupidity.  Had he truly believed he could just get away?
> "One of the brothers and his wife have met with an untimely death.
> They had a son, Theodore, who has been left behind with no suitable
> guardians.  The High Council has met and decided your family would be best
> suited to assume responsibility for the young man."
> "I beg your pardon?"
> Christian was torn.  On the one hand he could not have felt more
> relieved.  He had been certain the request would be far more despicable.
> Exactly what he thought they might ask of him he could not imagine, but on
> the other hand, what was this business about taking care of a boy?
> "What part of it did you not comprehend, Mr. Adams?"
> Christian sat forward.  "You want me to just take in a boy I've
> never met?  From a group of people I haven't even spoken to in more than
> eighteen years?"
> "In a word, yes.  Do you foresee a problem with that?"
> "Do I foresee a problem with that?"  Christian was appalled.
> "You're damn right I foresee a problem with that.  I think you're crazy to
> just call me up this way."
> "I'm sorry."  The man's sarcasm told Christian he was anything but.
> "Should we have rolled out the announcement in a red carpet for you?  You
> have an obligation to the fraternity.  For years now you have been allowed
> to go about your business despite the concerns of several of the brothers.
> Your respite is over.  Taking care of the son of one of your brethren 
> should
> be an honor to you, especially since worthier members would have been all
> too glad for the privilege."
> "I am sorry for the boy's loss," Christian hissed.  "But you just
> can't call me and expect me to be overjoyed at the thought of being 
> coerced
> into taking in a child from a family I never even met."
> "Coercion," the man mused, savoring the word.  "That is not quite
> how I view it, but you are right to assume that you do not really have a
> choice in the matter.  The boy will be coming to your home in 
> approximately
> three months.  This should give you ample time to prepare for his 
> arrival."
> "And if I refuse?"
> "Let us hope you will never need to find out."
>
> ***
>
> Joe Orozco
>
> "Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves,
> some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."--Sam Ewing
>
>
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