[stylist] Feedback request, General content: Minneapolis Bus

[Neil Butters]

Hi Brad,

 think your story will appeal to both sighted and non-sighted people. I 
think it is humorous and about the riht length. You use some very vivid 
descriptions, especially on the bus. I hope you can have it published 
somewhere.

I added some comments about grammar and style in the text itself below. My 
comments are marked with asterisks.
Good luck.

Neil


> Minneapolis Bus
>
> Having been diagnosed with a retinal disease some years back. I had 
> decided
*I thinnk a comma is called for here instead of a period.
> to counteract the traumatic trick life had played and take a proactive 
> approach. Before I lost usable vision I sought out an adjustment to
*A comma may be needed after vision, and you may want to define "usable 
vision."
> blindness training center in Minneapolis Minnesota. This training center 
> is called Blindness Learning In New Dimensions or BLIND Inc. for short, 
> and was affectionately yet quite accurately, known as the "boot camp for 
> blind
*Another comma needed here? Try, "...was affectionately, and yet quite..."
> folks".
*Remember to always put punctuation marks inside the quotation marks.

 Though apprehensions existed in what life would mean as a blind person, I
> looked forward to the challenge of learning skills that would enable me to 
> live life successfully independent.
>
> Besides learning skills as white cane travel, cooking for a large group of
*You might need the word "such" here, I.e., "such as..."

> people, reading and writing Braille, and other daily life skills 
> accomplished strictly under blind folds , one final requirement must be 
> met using all of the mobility skills learned. In order to graduate a 
> student must solely complete what is known as a five mile "graduation 
> walk". While
*This is confusing: Must you complete the course alone or is the course the 
only thing you need to do to graduate?
> blindfolded students follow a list of Braille directions instructing them 
> to cross noisy intersections, direct them to specific park locations, 
> cross bridges; board certain buses and make their way back to the training 
> center.
*Replace the semicolon with a comma.
> Upon successful return, a freedom bell is rung in their honor and as if a 
> congratulations button were pressed, peers and staff come applauding from 
> classrooms with smiles, hand shakes, and pats on the back as they share 
> victory over the test.
*You might be able to combine this paragraph with the previous.
> The day of my graduation walk turned out to be an unseasonably warm one, 
> and about three quarters of the way into my five mile graduation course, 
> my legs found great relief on the city transit portion of the test. On the 
> surprisingly quiet bus with nothing else to do but listen to the engine 
> roar and a buzzing fly next to me crashing its head into the window in 
> efforts to escape, my attention was occasionally given to the entrance and 
> exit of passengers at the stops.
>
> At one particular stop my ear picked up on a huge group of young 
> elementary
*Consider a comma after "stop."
> kids boarding and consuming every available seat, leaving teachers and a
*Not sure "consuming" is the right word. To me, the kids are eating the 
seats.

> few chivalrous passengers standing holding on to the grab bars. Excited
*Should an "and" be placed between "standing" and "holding?"
> conversation assured me the kids were on an early morning field trip.
>
> Sensing unusual activity at the front of the bus after the kids got on; I
*Replace the semicolon with a comma
> curiously cheated by lifting my blindfold to find two gents were boarding 
> rather boisterously. Apparently they were still "having a night out"; 
> unaware the sun had risen right along with their blood alcohol level. One 
> stared down the isle with concentrated beady eyes, pulled focus enough to
*Consider replacing the comma with "and."
> find the bus full, and stood up front droopily hugging the vertical grab 
> bar with both hands. The other fellow cockily swaggered about the bus 
> exploring for a seat, using passenger's shoulders like rails in bumper 
> bowling. The kid's chatter diminished as even they became aware of the
*I think you mean the plural "kids'" here.
> state these two gents were in. Mid way down the long isle and recognizing 
> the bus was full, the second fellow settled quietly to a staggered stance 
> next to a nervous teacher. Both stood quiet, as did the rest of the bus 
> with only the roar of the engine and squeak of the brakes for audible 
> entertainment.
>
> Finally breaking the intense silence, the adventurous drunk swung his head 
> sideways staring at the teacher, head bobbing from the bumpy ride   and 
> alcohol content. With half mast eyes he looked at the teacher and said.
>
> "Pardon me sir."
*This couyld be placed at the end of the preceding paragraph and replace the 
period after "said" with a comma.This applies to much of he dialogue that 
folows. co
> The Teacher nervously returned the look replying
>
> "Yes?"
>
> The inebriated man proceeded
>
> "Do you know Jesus Christ?"
>
> Wide eyed and perplexed at the source of the question, the teacher replied
>
> "Why, ah, yes. I do."
>
> The drunken man returned his bobbing head to a forward position slurring 
> in apparent amazement.

Haha!