[stylist] Feedback request, General content: Minneapolis Bus

[BDM]

Neal,

Thanks very much for the grammar points. Wow, I think some of that MS Word 
did without my knowledge lol. Such as the first  one with the period out of 
place there. and I know the semi-colons were added by it with my assuming 
it knew better than I. So much for trusting Microsoft for grammar points 
hahaha. I do have a question though regarding this. What I'd like to do is 
be able to switch my Jaws settings to be able to announce all punctuation. 
I thought the "Proofreading" setting in  the Speech and Sounds Manager 
would do that but it doesn't read any different to me. Perhaps I need to 
create a custom one and have it do all punctuation so I can better tell 
where things are. You can switch schemes on the fly with "INS ALT S" and 
then quickly go back which is very nice. Just need to get a scheme that is 
tweaked to proofread as such.  How do you  yourself proof read a document 
without pain stakingly CTRL Arrowing through and etc.?

Thanks.

Brad




At 02:13 PM 5/2/2010, you wrote:
>Hi Brad,
>
>think your story will appeal to both sighted and non-sighted people. I 
>think it is humorous and about the riht length. You use some very vivid 
>descriptions, especially on the bus. I hope you can have it published 
>somewhere.
>
>I added some comments about grammar and style in the text itself below. My 
>comments are marked with asterisks.
>Good luck.
>
>Neil
>
>
>>Minneapolis Bus
>>
>>Having been diagnosed with a retinal disease some years back. I had decided
>*I thinnk a comma is called for here instead of a period.
>>to counteract the traumatic trick life had played and take a proactive 
>>approach. Before I lost usable vision I sought out an adjustment to
>*A comma may be needed after vision, and you may want to define "usable 
>vision."
>>blindness training center in Minneapolis Minnesota. This training center 
>>is called Blindness Learning In New Dimensions or BLIND Inc. for short, 
>>and was affectionately yet quite accurately, known as the "boot camp for blind
>*Another comma needed here? Try, "...was affectionately, and yet quite..."
>>folks".
>*Remember to always put punctuation marks inside the quotation marks.
>
>Though apprehensions existed in what life would mean as a blind person, I
>>looked forward to the challenge of learning skills that would enable me 
>>to live life successfully independent.
>>
>>Besides learning skills as white cane travel, cooking for a large group of
>*You might need the word "such" here, I.e., "such as..."
>
>>people, reading and writing Braille, and other daily life skills 
>>accomplished strictly under blind folds , one final requirement must be 
>>met using all of the mobility skills learned. In order to graduate a 
>>student must solely complete what is known as a five mile "graduation 
>>walk". While
>*This is confusing: Must you complete the course alone or is the course 
>the only thing you need to do to graduate?
>>blindfolded students follow a list of Braille directions instructing them 
>>to cross noisy intersections, direct them to specific park locations, 
>>cross bridges; board certain buses and make their way back to the 
>>training center.
>*Replace the semicolon with a comma.
>>Upon successful return, a freedom bell is rung in their honor and as if a 
>>congratulations button were pressed, peers and staff come applauding from 
>>classrooms with smiles, hand shakes, and pats on the back as they share 
>>victory over the test.
>*You might be able to combine this paragraph with the previous.
>>The day of my graduation walk turned out to be an unseasonably warm one, 
>>and about three quarters of the way into my five mile graduation course, 
>>my legs found great relief on the city transit portion of the test. On 
>>the surprisingly quiet bus with nothing else to do but listen to the 
>>engine roar and a buzzing fly next to me crashing its head into the 
>>window in efforts to escape, my attention was occasionally given to the 
>>entrance and exit of passengers at the stops.
>>
>>At one particular stop my ear picked up on a huge group of young elementary
>*Consider a comma after "stop."
>>kids boarding and consuming every available seat, leaving teachers and a
>*Not sure "consuming" is the right word. To me, the kids are eating the seats.
>
>>few chivalrous passengers standing holding on to the grab bars. Excited
>*Should an "and" be placed between "standing" and "holding?"
>>conversation assured me the kids were on an early morning field trip.
>>
>>Sensing unusual activity at the front of the bus after the kids got on; I
>*Replace the semicolon with a comma
>>curiously cheated by lifting my blindfold to find two gents were boarding 
>>rather boisterously. Apparently they were still "having a night out"; 
>>unaware the sun had risen right along with their blood alcohol level. One 
>>stared down the isle with concentrated beady eyes, pulled focus enough to
>*Consider replacing the comma with "and."
>>find the bus full, and stood up front droopily hugging the vertical grab 
>>bar with both hands. The other fellow cockily swaggered about the bus 
>>exploring for a seat, using passenger's shoulders like rails in bumper 
>>bowling. The kid's chatter diminished as even they became aware of the
>*I think you mean the plural "kids'" here.
>>state these two gents were in. Mid way down the long isle and recognizing 
>>the bus was full, the second fellow settled quietly to a staggered stance 
>>next to a nervous teacher. Both stood quiet, as did the rest of the bus 
>>with only the roar of the engine and squeak of the brakes for audible 
>>entertainment.
>>
>>Finally breaking the intense silence, the adventurous drunk swung his 
>>head sideways staring at the teacher, head bobbing from the bumpy 
>>ride   and alcohol content. With half mast eyes he looked at the teacher 
>>and said.
>>
>>"Pardon me sir."
>*This couyld be placed at the end of the preceding paragraph and replace 
>the period after "said" with a comma.This applies to much of he dialogue 
>that folows. co
>>The Teacher nervously returned the look replying
>>
>>"Yes?"
>>
>>The inebriated man proceeded
>>
>>"Do you know Jesus Christ?"
>>
>>Wide eyed and perplexed at the source of the question, the teacher replied
>>
>>"Why, ah, yes. I do."
>>
>>The drunken man returned his bobbing head to a forward position slurring 
>>in apparent amazement.
>
>Haha!
>
>
>
>
>
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Brad Dunse

If you want people to stop poking holes in your boat,
  get them in the boat with you

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