[stylist] Writing Anonymously

Tue May 4 16:50:47 UTC 2010

No, I don't live with Pam anymore. I can't even call her you-know
anymore...I can say mother, but I can't say it in relation to that
woman. I disowned her two years ago, and have not had any connection
with her since. I have only seen her name once or twice on Facebook,
because I'm friends with other family members, but I refuse to
acknowledge her. My father died in 2001 of Desert Storm Syndrome. He
was my protector and my hero, and it only got worse after his death
when I was 16, and when I left home, my brother became the new target.
I always feel a bit guilty for leaving home as soon as I turned 18 and
leaving my brother to take her abuse, since he had already been hit
hard at 14 by our father's death. Her sudden abuse of my brother led
him to become an abuser of alcohol and drugs and he became temporarily
insane. Miraculously (hear the sarcasm?), he returned to normal mental
health and stopped abusing drugs and alcohol when he went to live with
an aunt thousands of miles away from his mother.

I am also a part of an "Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse" support
group which I attend once a month, and yes, this has helped immensely.
It is also helpful that the person in charge of the support group also
does private sessions with me and any other members of the support
group who need/want it, so I feel more comfortable talking in the
support group after talking to her in a private session. we talk about
things, and then I know how to say something in the group. I have only
once felt uncomfortable in the group, and that was when the lady next
to me had a minor breakdown and said that people were pushing her and
that she felt really uncomfortable because it. Because I had been
talking to her a bit before, though she didn't say my name, I felt she
was saying I was doing it, and the rest of the day I was putting
myself down and had a minor breakdown myself. This was a direct result
of how Pam always put me down and blamed anything that went wrong on
me. I am trying to get past that mental self-degradation that was
integrated into my mindset as a child, but it is difficult. I still am
unable to do chores with someone else in the room, as I feel they are
watching me and will yell at me if it's not done absolutely perfectly.
This is something that my therapist/counselor and I are working on
right now...desenssitizing is not easy, but she says it's the best way
to do it, and I know I want to change and I understand where it comes
from, so I'm halfway there.

Anyway, talking about general things like that is not so hard. It's
talking about the specifics that I can't do with others, except with
my therapist. The specific traumas, the specific abuses and moments of
fear and pain...those are the things I want to share with people, to
show them what it's like, and to stir them into helping protect child
in the future from this happening...as a child, there was no Child
Protective Services checking in on us, there was no family counseling,
there was not even a counselor for me except when a judge finally
mandated it after I had run away for the umpteenth time because my
father went back out to sea (Navy chief), and I was left alone to deal
with Pam again. Even those stopped as soon as the mandated time was
over, because my father was not around to enforce it. When he was
home, all was pretty good, though he fought with his wife a *lot*
about my treatment, but he did a pretty good job of keeping her away
from me and treating me like a true daughter. So, the time from 14 to
16 was my best time period, because this was when my father was often
home, because he was temporarily retired from the Navy because of the
Desert Storm Syndrome. But when he died, it became worse than ever,
and my final years in her house were pure torture, almost literally. I
returned there twice, but this last time I swore I would never go back
nor would I ever speak to this woman again. I cannot forgive a woman
who is so sadistic and is not sorry in the least, even denies that she
did anything to me and blames me for all my problems.

Anyway...my therapist/counselor says writing it all down would be a
great idea, that it would help me and help others, but I just don't
think I could do it under my own name, not even if the only person who
knows who I am is the publishing company.

~Jewel

P.S.-Sorry I'm going on forever about this. I didn't mean to talk so much.

On 5/4/10, Judith Bron <jbron at optonline.net> wrote:
> Jewel,  Are you still living with your birth family?  If not, you might want
> to consider this. After going through what you've been through, I'm sure you
> are aware of support groups for abused children or adults.  No, it doesn't
> have to be a blind or otherwise handicapped list.  Check out organizations
> of this kind in your area.  Oftentimes, speaking about your abuse and
> learning about other victims of the same or different kinds of abuse can be
> theraputic.  Talking about it in front of those who are still coming to
> terms with their situation might make you stronger in coming to terms with
> your own situation.  Judith
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Donna Hill" <penatwork at epix.net>
> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 2010 10:39 AM
> Subject: Re: [stylist] Writing Anonymously
>
>
>> Hi Jewel,
>> I don't think any website where people can post stories/novels will allow
>> you to post without a user name and vallid e-mail address. I think to
>> truly own your story and your life, to truly complete the process of
>> accepting the truth of your own innocence, in short, to heal, you need to
>> work through this fear of being called out, ridiculed or blamed for who
>> you truly are. To some extent, you are already taking steps in that
>> direction by giving the list many details of that story. You could have,
>> for instance, posted the question without a word about why you were
>> seeking anonymity or what you were writing.
>>
>> My suggestion is that you start with getting comfortable with a
>> pseudonymous user name. I think that, like it or not, anyone who knows you
>>
>> well will recognize you in your work, unless you are so vague as to be
>> irrelevant, which I doubt you would be. I don't believe, however, that
>> they would be trolling the internet's writers' forums in the hope of
>> stumbling upon your work just so they could give you a hard time about it.
>>
>> The question becomes, how important is it to you to keep this from people
>> you know? Being open about abuse is difficult socially under the best of
>> circumstances and moreso if a person has an additional stigmatizing
>> characteristic such as blindness. One thing that may help you proceed is
>> to think about the millions of other abuse victums who don't have your
>> talent for writing, who haven't progressed as far as you in their
>> understanding of what happened or is still happening and who will likely
>> never have much in the way of external affirmation unless they get it from
>>
>> reading someone else's story.
>>
>> In terms of where to write ... I know that Buzzle.com has sections for
>> stories and poetry in addition to their news articles. There is also a
>> site called "Authonomy" which was set up by Harper Collins publishing,
>> where writers post the first 10,000 words (if memory serves) of their
>> novels for peer review and the chance of publisher review. Here is a link
>> to their FAQ page:
>> http://authonomy.com/FAQ.aspx#accept
>> Best,
>> Donna
>>
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>>
>> Jewel S. wrote:
>>> Hi all,
>>>
>>> I am writing a memoir...it is an emotional process, a painful writing,
>>> but one that needs to be done. It encompasses my childhood and the
>>> loss of it, my mental illness and my mother's sadism and abuse, and
>>> the "death" of my mother in my mind, the "killing" of the mother whom
>>> I have always loved but also always hated. I can summarize that here,
>>> but I cannot share the actual writings with anyone who knows who wrote
>>> it. I would feel that they would pity me, hate me for exposing this
>>> woman, or not believe that it is true. It scares me to share it with
>>> anyone who would know it was written by me. However, I know that any
>>> book that is going to be published needs to be read and edited,
>>> re-read and re-edited and then needs to be published. I plan on using
>>> a pen name that would be used only for this book, and for none of my
>>> others. However, I wanted to know how to go about with this. It is as
>>> much a healing of my inner child who never got a proper childhood and
>>> a tru confession to myself that it really happened and that I have
>>> been very sick and now I'm getting well. My counselor thinks it is a
>>> fine idea, but I am still afraid to share it, but I want people to
>>> know and understand the pains and joys, fears and triumphs of an
>>> abused child who never understood the abuse, who always blamed herself
>>> for it, and truly thought she was the black sheep who truly was
>>> naughty, and perhaps even evil. I remember the impression that I was
>>> possessed, that maybe there was a demon that made me so bad and my
>>> mother was only trying to rid me of it, or that I was a "bad seed."
>>>
>>> Anyway, as you might be able to tell, it's not a nice story nor does
>>> it yet have an ending, as I'm still trying to heal, but I want to work
>>> on the story, and someday publish it.
>>>
>>> How does one go about submitting a book without being known for who
>>> you are? How does one go about sharing a story with strangers? Are
>>> there places where stories can be submitted totally anonymously (and I
>>> don't mean under a username...I fear that I'd be found out and called
>>> out...but totally anonymously? Where would such a place be?
>>>
>>> I know I sound silly and paranoid...I am sorry. I am just still so
>>> fearful of sharing the story, but I know that in time it must be done,
>>> and I have some of the story to share and want it read, but don't want
>>> to share it as myself. Any thoughts?
>>>
>>> ~Jewel
>>>
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