[stylist] feedback please

[Jewel S.]

“Suddenly horns blared, tires squealed and sirens wailed.  She lay on
the street oblivious to the sounds and horror engulfing her.”

I don’t know…this just doesn’t seem to catch my attention to the
“horror” that surrounds Jennifer. It doesn’t give enough description
of the exact moment and what happened. In my mind, I was thinking,
“Oh, she was hit; okay, whatever.” It just doesn’t have the dramatic
feel that a sudden hit should. Maybe have it break off a thought in
mid-sentence, or have someone yell at her “Look out!” just before
she’s hit, or something to that effect? Some dialogue there would
definitely get my attention better.
The nex
T bit of the dialogue is perhaps *too* much dialogue. Is Randy and the
policeman just…standing there as they talk? Is the policeman just
hovering over Jennifer as he talks? That doesn’t seem very realistic
to me. While he says “Dunno” perhaps he could be checking her pulse at
the same time, or as Randy says who she is, he reaches and picks up
the purse she drops and gives the policeman her ID card or some such.
As they converse, the policeman could be tending to Jennifer best he
can, and his partner (policeman almost always work in apirs) could be
holding back the gathering crowd around them. Randy could glance at
the cut on Jennifer’s head or arm or whatever, inwardly worrying,
and…well, you get my idea. These characters are just drifting in space
talking to each other…it’s as if they aren’t standing over a
perhaps-dying girl in the middle of the road. Who’s directing traffic?
Who’s keeping back the crowds? Who’s tending to Jennifer’s wounds?

The paramedic who shouts “Get the oxygen mask”…where did he come from?
Why didn’t you describe him coming as Randy ran off, or even as the
two were talking? There’s no connection there.

I like Jennifer talking to her mommy as she floats above her body.
What does her mother look like? Does Jennifer look like her? What does
Jennifer feel about seeing someone so much like her?

As Jennifer says “No, Mommy! Don’t make me!” does she try to cling to
her mom’s ephereal body, does she wrap her arms around her mother and
cry “No” into her shoulder? This mother seems so cold, not touching,
cuddling, loving the child she claims to have always loved. Why didn’t
she embrace her the minute Jennifer floated up, since they are both
non-material…can they touch in the first place?

Randy looks at his watch…great, but what does he see on his watch?
What time *is* it? Why does he have to call *now*? Is there only a few
hours until the game?

When Jennifer wakes and they talk, how does Jenn’s voice sound? Does
it sound weak and whimpering or courageous and attemptive? Does her
voice sound odd because of the oxygen mask?

You mention later that Jennifer sounds weakly, but how did Randy sound
when he said he blew the game? He just says it like he’s a robot
unless you describe how he speaks.

Again, the dialogue stands alone without description when Sheila walks
in. When she says thanks, does she reach for the sandwich with a smile
of gratitude or does she ignore it for the time being?

I like the mystery of the documents in a foreign language. It makes me
wonder, too.

Overall, the idea of the story is good. I liked Chapter 2 better,
after the initial “floating” dialogue…but it just seemed slow at
first. It was hard to get into the chapter when the first thing I read
is floating dialogue. I really liked the lecture, though I wish the
Rabbi had gesticulated or paced or smiled or frowned or showed some
reaction to the sobbing daughter and the confused friend.

The floating dialogue is the main problem I see in these chapters.
Dialogue without actions isn’t real…it’s like the two people (or more)
are just standing there, or just floating in space. What is going on
around them, why isn’t anything happening? Can someone cook and talk,
walk and talk, grin as they talk, pout, say things with more
description than “He laughed”? What kind of laugh is it…a burly man
laugh or a sissy laugh?

The story’s idea is good, but it just doesn’t feel real…you describe
only basic ideas, and don’t appeal to any more than two senses, vision
and hearing. What smells are there? What do the characters feel
underfoot? How does the sandwich Jenn eats feel in her hand, or does
she ignore it? We never know. These things might not seem important,
but little details are what makes a story realistic. Life isn’t about
dialogue and going from place to place…the description of the son
bringing the mother a bowl to wash in is a good example of a little
detail. Is it necessary to the story? Not totally, but it’s a little
detail that helps reinforce the mother’s weakness, like the blanket
that is lovingly draped across her body.

More of these littledetails are needed, especially among the
dialogues. Break up the dialogues a little; too much dialogue without
description leaves a reader (at least it does me) a bit bored and
wondering when something will *happen* To me, this feels more like a
play than a story with all the talking…in a play, you don’t have to
describe everything, because the props show what is happening. All you
need is dialogue and the actors make the actions as they talk, so they
don’t have to telll the audience that something is happening; it just
does.

I hope you aren’t offended by my criticism. It is meant to be
constructive. I hope you will consider it, at least, with an open
mind.

~Jewel


On 5/7/10, Judith Bron <jbron at optonline.net> wrote:
> Good morning everyone.  I know you read most of this before, but I edited
> the heck out of it.  I want to know how this grabs the reader.  This time
> I'm only sending 2 chapters.  If anyone wants the third, just ask.  Thanks,
> Judith
>
>
> CHAPTER ONE
>
>
>
> Curtis Cove, New York November 1977
>
> Jennifer's thoughts were a safe haven and the only place she could escape to
> for security.  Usually In her semi-hypnotic state she managed to be
> cognizant of the world around her.  But this Saturday morning she was so
> deep in thought she ignored the sounds of people talking, children playing
> and horns honking.  Wearing blue jeans, sweater and jacket the slender girl
> with sad eyes wandered aimlessly down the street thinking about her
> inability to love anyone.  Suddenly horns blared, tires squealed and sirens
> wailed.  She lay on the street oblivious to the sounds and horror engulfing
> her.
>
> Randy, the well muscled captain of her high school football team ran towards
> the accident, his blond hair flying in all directions.  He saw Jennifer
> lying in the street with a policeman hovering over her.  "Is she all right?"
>
> "Don't know.  Just called for an ambulance.  Who is she?"
>
>  "Jennifer Rabinowitz.  She lives a block from here."
>
> "Can you get her parents?"
>
> "I'll get her Foster mother.    Where are they taking her?"
>
> "Arthur Memorial.  They have a good Trauma Center."
>
> Jennifer lay immobile and unconscious, her long light brown hair covering
> her face.  With one last glance at Jennifer Randy took off for the Hamilton
> house.
>
>  A burly technician at the scene yelled, "Get the oxygen!  Respiratory
> distress!"
>
> Unmindful of the flurry of activity around her Jennifer floated over her
> body, ending up in a different place.  A loving ethereal voice cut through
> the fog addressing the bewildered girl.  "Jennifer, it's me, Mommy.  I've
> always loved you."
>
> Sheila and Randy ran into the emergency room shortly after they brought
> Jennifer in.
>
> The waiting doctors began their examination immediately.  Dr. Green, a
> balding man wearing wire rimmed glasses demanded, "Get the defibrillator!"
>
> Now aware of the serenity surrounding her in this new place Jennifer said,
> "Mommy, I want to stay here.  My life is awful.  I can't love anyone."
>
> "Your life will get better.  Wonderful people will prove that you can love
> and be loved."
>
> The medical staff brought the equipment necessary to resuscitate Jennifer.
> Unaware of the panic around her Jennifer told her mother, "Mommy, I don't
> want to go back.  I'm different from the other kids.  They remind me all the
> time."
>
> "Differences make identities.  You have a beautiful life ahead of you.  It's
> time to go back now."
>
> "No, Mommy!  Don't make me!"
>
> Dr. Green applied the panels to Jennifer's chest.  A huge burst of energy
> started her heart beating again.  Jennifer took a deep, labored breath.
>
> As soon as she started breathing on her own they trundled her at top speed
> to a CAT scan which showed the doctors that neither her spine nor limbs were
> broken.  She hadn't suffered any internal injuries.  Dr. Green said to his
> team, "This is one lucky girl."
>
> Randy and Sheila sat in the waiting room anxiously awaiting word about
> Jennifer.  Randy glanced at his watch.  "I have to call the coach to tell
> him I'm not playing and Jennifer's not cheering this afternoon.  Be right
> back."
>
> Once Jennifer was put in a room Randy and Sheila kept vigil beside her bed
> gazing bleakly at the   oxygen, bottles of fluid and monitor.  Sheila, with
> the figure of an exercise enthusiast thought the scene was reminiscent of a
> nightmare!  Randy wondered if Jennifer, with her flawless complexion and sad
> eyes would ever cheer for a football game again.  After her recovery would
> she continue to take his breath away?  Once she was back to normal would she
> still refuse his dates?
>
> Randy leaned forward and spoke to the sleeping girl.  "Keep fighting,
> Jennifer.  We're all pulling for you."
>
> At one point Randy said, "I can't do much here.  I better head over to the
> field.  Be back right after the game."
>
> Sheila saw her open her eyes briefly before slipping back into either
> slumber or unconsciousness.  Sheila couldn't tell.  She just kept watching,
> waiting and praying that her favorite foster child would survive.
>
> When Randy returned after the game Jennifer woke for more than a few
> minutes.  Sheila asked, "How do you feel, Jennifer?"
>
> "Weak and sore.  Do I really need this oxygen?"
>
> "I'll check.  Can I get you something to eat?"
>
> "If it's not too much, I'd like a sandwich."
>
> "Let me find out."
>
> After she left Randy said, "I played today.  Everyone sends their best.  I
> was so upset that I blew a touchdown pass.  We lost."
>
> Jennifer responded weakly, "I'm sorry, Randy.  I know how much that trophy
> means to you."
>
> Carrying a sandwich and cup of juice Sheila returned to the bedside.  "The
> nurse said the doctor will be in soon to see about the oxygen.  I brought
> you a cheese sandwich."
>
> "Thanks, Sheila."
>
> Sheila continued, "I have to get going.  Cindy has plans for tonight and Ted
> has to work.  I'll send Ted up with your things.  See you in the morning."
> She kissed Jennifer and headed for the parking lot.
>
> On her way to the car Sheila thought about the document and little book
> Social Services gave her to be presented to Jennifer on her seventeenth
> birthday.  That was a few months away.  She sure wished she could give it to
> her now.  She had no way of proving it, but something told her this packet
> would unlock some of the answers Jennifer needed to understand her identity.
>    Both items were written in a foreign language.  She couldn't understand
> it and doubted Jennifer understood the language either.  Should she ask DSS
> if she could give it to the girl earlier?  With this issue unresolved she
> opened her car door and slid in.
>
> A tall, good looking doctor entered the room moving with the assuredness of
> someone who evoked trust from his patients.  "Good evening, Jennifer.  I'm
> Dr. Jackson.  I'm covering Dr. Green's patients tonight.  Mrs. Hamilton
> asked the nurse about the oxygen.  I want to keep it going until tomorrow
> morning.  Dr. Green will evaluate you then.  Is there anything else I can do
> for you?"
>
> "Can I take a shower?"
>
> "The nurse will help you with that tomorrow morning.  Is everything else all
> right?"
>
> "I guess so.  Thanks."
>
> She turned to Randy.  "I don't remember anything.  Can you tell me about
> it?"
>
> Randy described the accident scene that morning.  "While you were sleeping
> you looked so peaceful.  Do you remember anything?"
>
> She lied, "I don't remember a thing.  I had no idea it was that serious."
>
> "How do you feel now?"
>
> "I nearly died, but other than that fine."
>
> Randy laughed. "Can I ask you a serious question?"
>
> "Sure.  But please forgive me if I'm not in the mood to answer it."
>
> "What will it take for you to go out with me?"
>
> "Randy, there's a lot going on in my head.  I need time to straighten it all
> out.  Right now you're the best friend I have in the world.  Just keep on
> being my friend.  That's the best thing you can do for me."
>
> "I know others give you a hard time about your last name.  Is that part of
> the problem?"
>
> "That's a big part.  I don't know who I am.  You guys know your parents,
> what they expect from you and people to turn to when you need answers to
> important questions.  I haven't had that since I was two.
>
> "I also have my career in clothing design to think about.  I guess that's my
> identity for now.  But how can you create an identity out of a spool of
> thread, a piece of cloth and sewing notions?  I need more than that.  I need
> to explore this Jewish thing.  I guess my parents were Jewish.  How else
> would I end up with a name like Rabinowitz?  At the moment I don't know
> where to begin my search."
>
> "If there's anything I can do to help you just ask."
>
> "Randy, do I have all kinds of bruises on my face?"
>
> Randy smiled.  "You look like the most beautiful girl in the world who got
> into a fight and almost lost."
>
> "I guess I didn't lose.  When I get up my courage I'll look in the mirror."
>
> "You're looking tired.  I'll be back tomorrow morning."
>
> "Good night, Randy.  Thanks for being here."
>
> Jennifer laid back on the pillow hoping to make contact with her mother
> again.  She closed her eyes.  There was no loving voice, no hope, no
> purpose.  Only predictable blackness.  Her mother said that differences made
> identities.  What identity?  Could anything in the world unlock the
> mysteries of her life?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> CHAPTER TWO
>
>
>
> The Same Saturday morning in Jenna, New York
>
>
>
> Standing on the bottom step Pessi smiled at her mother who lay on the sofa
> in the dining room.  "Mommy, can I get you anything before I leave for
> synagogue?"
>
> "No thanks, dear."  Pessi saw the look in her mother's eyes and prepared for
> the same lecture Mrs. Goldberg had been delivering for months.  "Pessi, you
> have to become involved with the girls at school.  I know many of their
> mothers, and they are wonderful people."
>
> Pessi shrugged.  "I'm fine the way I am.  I like being alone."
>
> Her mother rebuked, "It isn't normal for a sixteen year old girl to exist
> only for homework and her family.  You're a beautiful girl with a lot to
> offer others.  Please make an effort to become friends with the girls at
> school."
>
> She fixed her eyes on Pessi's unruly hair.  "You can't go to Shul with your
> hair like that.  Put it in a bun."
>
> "I can't.  One of these days I'll get it cut."
>
> "Pessi, all I'm asking you to do is try."
>
> Using the traditional Sabbath greeting Pessi answered curtly, "Good Shabbos,
> Mommy." She put on her ugly coat, stomped out of the house and headed for
> her father's synagogue.  She preferred to run her life her way, and if that
> meant being alone so be it.
>
> After services Pessi quietly came up behind two schoolmates.  She heard the
> petite Miriam sporting perfectly styled dark hair say to Ruthie in her spike
> heals, "Can you believe she goes in public looking so disgusting?  Her coat
> is a reject from a charity sale.  Those shoes haven't been seen since the
> Revolutionary War! Her hair is a nesting place for rats with bad taste.
> Nothing in the coatroom stood out like the moth holes in her coat!  Gross!
> I hear she has a family, but no one with any self-respect has claimed her.
>
> "I have to get home.  Rabbi Goldberg's speaking this afternoon.  Want to
> go?"
>
> Ruthie flashed a perfect smile revealing the expertise of her orthodontist.
>  "Sure.  Everyone goes to hear Rabbi Goldberg."
>
> "Great.  I'll pick you up after lunch."
>
> Engrossed in their conversation Pessi didn't think the renowned gossips
> noticed her.  Pessi had to smile at their creative comments.  She knew very
> well how she looked, but circumstances did this to a person.  Could girls
> like Ruthie and Miriam ever understand there were more important things in a
> girl's life than clothes and beauticians?
>
> Under the dreary November sky Chavy Levy headed home from the synagogue her
> parents attended for years.  The most popular girl in her class, Chavy had
> only three problems.  She had to lose 10 pounds, her older brother Yigal had
> to be the most obnoxious person in the world to live with, and she hated
> math.  She couldn't figure out why she had to be in a class which had
> nothing to do with her future.  She had no idea what she would be doing
> after graduation, but becoming a math teacher wasn't an option!  Still, she
> had to pass or her parents would have a fit.  While strolling along on this
> Shabbos, Sabbath, morning she admired her surroundings where the men wore
> traditional hats and younger boys donned skullcaps appropriate for children.
>  Chavy tossed her shining brown hair over her shoulder, and focused her
> beautiful brown eyes on the passers by. Women walked with husbands, children
> or friends. All wore clothing reflecting the special day.  This afternoon
> Chavy and her friends planned to go to the B'nos club for girls which met
> every Shabbos or Saturday afternoon to hear Rabbi Goldberg.  Chavy honestly
> believed her class to be the greatest.  They all got along while having a
> ball working together except for Pessi Goldberg who didn't talk to anyone.
> Chavy shrugged and continued on.
>
> At home her mother greeted her.  "Good Shabbos, Chavy.  Can you finish this
> salad?"
>
> "Sure."
>
> A few minutes later the family assembled in the dining room for their
> Shabbos day meal.  The legendary arguments between Chavy and her good
> looking brother Yigal started almost immediately.  "Chavy, where's the grape
> juice?"
>
> "On the door of the fridge."
>
> "Why isn't it on the table?  You know I can't start my meal without it."
> Yigal needed to say the required prayer over wine or grape juice before his
> Shabbos meal.
>
> "Go get it.  The bottle isn't heavy."
>
> Their father boomed, "I've had enough from the two of you!  You can both
> bring the juice to the table."  They glanced at each other before getting
> up.  The Rabbi continued, "When you get back I don't want either of you
> saying a word.  Obviously you're not mature enough to talk decently to
> anyone."
>
> Done straightening up after the meal Chavy and her cute sister Chumy got
> ready for B'nos.  Yigal told Chavy, "You better be home for sudat shlishit.
> You're the only one who prepares the third Sabbath meal so well."
>
> "It would serve you right if I couldn't be here. Then you'll be forced to
> make it yourself!"
>
> "I can't even compliment you without some smart remark.  OK Chavy, Don't
> come home to make your horrid food.  We'll live longer without it!"  He
> smiled at her revealing the dimple in his right cheek.
>
> "All right, Yigal.  I won't be here.  I'm sure I can find a place where
> they'll take me in."
>
> "Don't bet on it, Chavy.  It obviously takes a strong person like me to put
> up with you."
>
> At the school door Chavy heard the tenth grade yentas behind her.  Miriam
> said, "Do you think the reject with the rat's nest on her head wearing her
> home for displaced moths will show up?"
>
> Ruthie nastily answered, "I don't think she'd have the nerve to socialize
> with civilized society.  B'nos isn't a place for rejects."
>
> Chavy's temper flared.  "Don't you have anything else to talk about?  What
> bothers you about a girl you don't know?  Life contains a lot of hard
> lessons.  Someday you'll find that out."  The two of them returned her dirty
> look before going to hang up their coats.
>
> Chavy entered the school auditorium, already half full for the Rabbi's
> lecture.  To her surprise Pessi sat alone in the back.  She saw the
> overgrown hair, ugly shoes, and sad eyes.  Chavy wondered about this girl
> who arrived at school just as the bell rang and always left when the first
> dismissal bell sounded without a word to anyone.  During lunch she sat
> reciting verses from her Psalm book saying nothing to any of the girls.
> Gossips like Miriam and Ruthie entertained themselves with Pessi Goldberg
> jokes, but most girls tried to get Pessi involved with the mainstream
> student body.  When it was obvious they failed, the feeling became pity.
>
> Now Chavy observed the brunt of jokes by the narrow minds and object of pity
> for most of the girls, feeling bewildered.  Well, the bewilderment had to
> stop and once and for all she had to make contact with this mysterious girl.
>  She never remembered seeing Pessi before on Shabbos.  The contrast between
> Pessi's clothes and the others was glaring.  While most girls dressed up for
> Shabbos, Pessi wore a simple skirt and sweater appropriate for the weekday.
> Pessi sat reading the same Psalm book she read all week.  Chavy knew the
> time had come to jump over Pessi's self constructed barrier.
>
> With fortified convictions she approached her classmate.  "Good Shabbos,
> Pessi."
>
> "Good Shabbos, Chavy.  I'm waiting for Rabbi Goldberg.  I need some of the
> emotional support he always gives."  Pessi returned to her book, signaling
> the end of the conversation.    Chavy never remembered Pessi communicating
> more than a cursory greeting until now.
>
> Determined to help her classmate Chavy said, "Pessi, come sit with the
> class."
>
> Pessi raised her clear blue eyes.  "I'm fine right here."  She lowered her
> eyes to her book, again conveying the end of the conversation.
>
> Though an assertive girl who always managed to control any situation she
> found herself in, Chavy felt intimidated by Pessi who exhibited a certain
> inner strength she couldn't match.   Baffled, she sat down near the girl,
> trying to think of what she could say to at least entice her to join the
> group.  "Pessi, you're a nice girl, but you don't talk to anyone."
>
> "My life is different. I have nothing in common with any of you."  Pessi's
> attention returned to her book.
>
> Chavy stared at the girl praying from her Psalm book.  Pessi could be very
> pretty if she had a hair cut and nicer clothes.  Her blue eyes, outlined by
> dark, long, luxurious lashes, seemed sad.  Chavy wondered what lay under
> this façade.
>
> Both girls were sixteen, but Pessi had never been to a school social event,
> a class birthday party or someone else's house for Shabbos.
>
> She had to try one more time.  "Pessi, we want to be your friend.  Please
> come sit with us."
>
> "Chavy, I'm here for the Rabbi's lecture, and have to go when it's over. I
> don't have time to stay for refreshments."
>
> "All I'm asking you to do is sit with us.  I already told my brother I'm not
> coming back to make Sudat shlishit for him.  I don't feel like it.  How
> about it?  Come sit with us, stay for refreshments, and I'll go back to help
> you with whatever you have to do."
>
> In a soft voice Pessi answered, "I don't want to impose."
>
> The well-rehearsed Chavy shot back, "I don't want to go back to my brothers
> today.  I'll go home with you and call my father after Shabbos to pick me
> up."
>
> Chavy was good.  Pessi felt herself giving in.    She smiled for the first
> time.   "All right, Chavy.  Let's go sit with the others."
>
> The tall girls reached the front of the auditorium just as the Rabbi with
> his salt and pepper beard started towards the podium.
>
> The audience turned their undivided attention to Rabbi Goldberg, but no one
> turned greater concentration to the speaker than Pessi.
>
> Today the theme of the lecture encompassed the difficult things confronted
> by people, and how individuals should perceive challenging situations.
>
> "If someone isn't well we look at that as unfortunate.  It's terrible to see
> someone suffer with illness.  As Jewish people we're told to say Psalms with
> the hope they recover.  But                      what happens if they don't
> recover?  What happens if we said our Tehillim, and they pass away, Heaven
> forbid, anyway?  Should we think our prayers weren't answered?  No."  The
> Rabbi looked straight at Pessi. "It has nothing to do with us.  Let me try
> to bring it down to a more comprehensible level.
>
> "Let's say I bring to one of you high school girls a blueprint from the best
> architect in the country.  He has drawn plans for the biggest, best building
> this country has ever seen.  You're high school girls and, to the best of my
> knowledge, none of you ever studied architecture."  The girls giggled and he
> continued.  "So, I go to your desk, put down the drawing and ask what you
> think.  What are you supposed to say?  You have no idea how to evaluate such
> diagrams."  The girls wondered where he was going with this analogy. "Why
> are the heating pipes over there?  Why are there no windows on that wall?
> Considering the best architect in the country drew the plan wouldn't it make
> sense he knew what he was doing?  The architect knew how different forces
> worked together to make the building a viable one.  You see girls, you have
> no right interpreting the architect's drawing or expressing an opinion.
> Only someone of equal stature to the architect has that right.
>
> "The Almighty is the architect of the world.  Only He knows if something is
> good or bad.  Because we aren't on His level we can't objectively judge what
> He does.  As with the blueprint, we can say the windows look better on the
> left rather than the right, but the architect knows about the airflow in the
> building, and how the other infrastructures will work together.  We don't
> know architecture or understand the blueprint of the world.  But as the
> customer trusts the architect, we trust the Almighty because only He knows
> what is best."
>
> Pessi turned closer attention to him with tears streaming down her face.
> Chavy wondered about her reaction.
>
>   "We can say we're saying Tehillim for the sick and, Heaven forbid, they
> pass away.  Weren't our prayers good enough?  We know they were, but what
> the Almighty knows is good isn't always what we think of as acceptable.  In
> the end we don't even know how to judge good as it pertains to individual
> situations.  In short, girls, there are no answers.  We know our Father in
> heaven doesn't intentionally hurt his children."
>
> Chavy saw the Rabbi speaking directly to a sobbing Pessi.  If only Chavy
> understood her problem perhaps there would be something she could do.
>
> The Rabbi continued, "Our responsibility is to show our Father we love Him
> as we carry out His commandments, religious obligations, with our heartfelt
> joy.  Before I leave I want each of you to take your Tehillim book and say
> two Psalms for each of these people who aren't well.  Hopefully, our prayers
> will be heard and these people will be granted a speedy and complete
> recovery."  He read three names using the Hebrew name of the person followed
> by the Hebrew name of their mother.  Pessi blinked back tears and opened the
> book.  A short while later the Rabbi said, "Good Shabbos, girls" indicating
> the end of the lecture.
>
> The girls headed for the lunchroom where a beautiful dessert buffet awaited
> them. Beside Chavy Pessi said, "I have a question for the Rabbi.  Be right
> back."
>
> Chavy's love for delectable goodies led her to the fattening dessert buffet.
>  She spotted fruit on the other table and reluctantly took a plate of the
> colorful, but less fattening food.
>
> Chavy glanced at Pessi talking to Rabbi Goldberg.  She must have had a
> simple question.  She spent only a minute with the Rabbi before heading back
> to Chavy.
>
> Pessi picked up a pastry.  "These pastries are great!"
>
> "You're so skinny you could probably eat the whole table and never show it.
> I have weight to lose so I stick to fruit.  Have some, it's good."
>
> Pessi laughed, reaching for another pastry.  "Chavy, I have to get going.
> My mother isn't well."
>
> "No problem.  I can eat only so much fruit."
>
> When they finished eating Pessi and Chavy headed for the coat room under the
> watchful gazes of Miriam and Ruthy.
>
> Pessi wondered if she was making the right move.  How come she decided to
> leave the school with Chavy today?  Was she proving that despite her strong
> resolve she needed someone?  Absolutely not!  She predicted that by Monday
> Chavy would be totally bored with her and both of them would return to their
> own corner of the world.  That would be all the proof she needed to show her
> mother that she didn't need anyone else in her life.
>
> Pessi lived some distance from the school.  On the streets they traveled
> Chavy didn't see any of the sights she associated with Shabbos afternoon in
> her neighborhood.
>
> Pessi clung to her pride, still not completely sure about letting another
> girl into her life.  She glanced at Chavy's beautiful gray wool coat with
> black velvet collar and cuffs.  She remembered how it felt to be wearing
> such a fine garment, but that was in the past.
>
> Chavy felt Pessi's discomfort.  She tried chatting about school activities,
> upcoming tests and the weather.  Pessi wanted to discuss classes and course
> work.
>
> Chavy still believed Trigonometry to be an obscure planet, but in her soft
> voice Pessi discussed it with the ease Chavy spoke of her favorite foods.
>
> Fifteen minutes later they arrived.  Like others in the neighborhood the
> small, run-down house appeared as if it had seen better days.  Chavy didn't
> care.  Over the years she had been friends with girls from the biggest and
> best homes and others from houses like this.  She didn't choose her friends
> according to their zip codes.
>
> The two girls entered Pessi's dingy foyer.     Immediately a round faced
> little boy ran to her. "Good Shabbos, Pessi!"
>
> Pessi picked him up asking, "Moshe, did you take care of Mommy?"
>
> His expression turned serious. "Mommy read me a book."
>
> "I'm sure she enjoyed that.  Let's go see her."
>
> On the sofa in the dining room lay Pessi's mother, a gaunt and obviously
> very ill woman.  Pessi gave her mother a kiss before stooping to pick up her
> blanket from the floor. She lovingly spread it over her.  "Good Shabbos,
> Mommy.  This is Chavy Levy from school.  Tatty said she could come home with
> me."
>
>   "It's a pleasure to meet you, Chavy."
>
> Chavy hoped her shock didn't show.  The Rabbi was Pessi's father?  "It's so
> nice to meet you, Mrs. Goldberg."
>
> "How did Tatty's lecture go, Pessi?"
>
> A bell rang in Chavy's mind.  Whatever was in the Rabbi's speech today had
> been planned to address an issue in his daughter's life.  Gazing at the
> emaciated woman on the couch wearing a pretty scarf on her head Chavy began
> to understand the message.
>
> Pessi's eyes darted from her mother to Chavy.  "Chavy didn't know my father
> is Rabbi Goldberg.  I never told anyone.  The lecture was one of the best he
> ever gave."
>
> "Why did you keep your father's identity a secret?"
>
> "I feel better being a private person."
>
> "Even though people know who your father is, you can still be a private
> person.  Could you please set out sudat shlishit before Tatty gets home?"
>
> Pessi chose to ignore her mother's latest prelude to a fight.  "Sure.  I'll
> do it now."
>
> After arriving home Rabbi Goldberg greeted their guest before turning to his
> wife. "Shayna, can I help you to the table?"
>
> "I would like that, thank you."
>
> The Rabbi supported his wife the short distance from the sofa to the table.
> He then said, "Everybody can go and wash."
>
> Moshe brought a bowl and cup of water for his mother to ritually wash her
> hands.  Mrs. Goldberg was too weak to wash at the sink with everyone else.
>
> In the tiny kitchen with doors falling off cabinets Chavy asked Pessi, "Can
> you come to my house after Shabbos if I help you clean up?  My father can
> pick us up."
>
> "I'll ask."  Back at the table the Rabbi said the blessing on the bread and
> they all took a bite from their roll.  Pessi asked, "Tatty, Chavy wants to
> know if I can go to her house after Shabbos.  Can I?"
>
> Mrs. Goldberg immediately answered, "Go, dear.  It's good for you to get
> out." Rabbi Goldberg added, "You can go if you have a ride home."
>
> "I'll ask my father, but it shouldn't be a problem."
>
> "In that case I give my permission.  Have a good time."
>
> Two dark haired teenage boys with small beards entered the house.  Pessi
> said, "Those are my brothers."
>
> Chavy glanced at the boys headed for the kitchen to wash in preparation for
> their meal.
>
>  Avi Goldberg heard his father say, "Chavy, your father and I are very close
> friends.  I know Rabbi Levy for many years."
>
> Avi stifled his laughter.  So his best friend Yigal Levy's sister was
> Pessi's new friend?  He already agreed with all the complaints about her.
> Why did Pessi pick up such a pain in the neck?
>
> After a brief talk by the Rabbi on the week's Torah reading Chavy quietly
> asked Pessi, "Why did you keep your father's identity a secret?"
>
> Pessi thought about the giant plunge she had taken, wondering if she should
> share anything more about her life.  Seeing the sincere expression in
> Chavy's eyes convinced her.  "Goldberg is a very common name.  No one knows
> except you now.  I'm happier being anonymous."
>
> The two girls said the blessing after the meal before going into the
> dinette.
>
> Pessi started in a low voice.  "My mother has cancer.  She's getting chemo
> once a week, but her reports aren't good.  We moved to Jenna ten months ago
> to be closer to better hospitals.  My father used to have a big congregation
> and good job, but since moving here he hasn't been successful.  I wear
> weekday clothes on the Sabbath because my last Shabbos outfit doesn't fit.
>
> "I didn't want to get close to the girls at school.  They look at my
> disgusting hair, inappropriate clothes and don't want that either."  Chavy's
> eyes remained riveted on Pessi.
>
> "I'm so nervous about my mother that all I do is go to school, keep up this
> house, help my mother and family, and pray.  My father gave the speech today
> for me.  I love my mother and can't face what's happening."
>
> Chavy wondered how Pessi dealt with all these challenges.
>
> "You're the first girl I brought home from school since moving to Jenna.  My
> parents always say they want me to have friends, but I'm ashamed of our
> situation.  I prefer being alone with my problems rather than being the
> object of pity or ridicule.  This issue has been a source of conflict
> between my mother and me."
>
> "Pessi, if you hung up a few curtains with some pictures this place wouldn't
> be half bad."
>
> "We can't afford curtains, and don't have any pictures.  We had paintings
> where we lived before, but Tatty sold them for Mommy's medical care.  The
> drapes in the old house were custom made so we left them."
>
> "My mother has a closet full of curtains.  Every time she sees a sale she
> replaces ours.  Also, I have some clothes I got too fat for.  I'll show them
> to you later.  Don't be ashamed.  None of us lives in a palace.
>
> "Also, there's Chesed at school.  As you know this group does community
> service.  They can come and help you out a few times a week.  I know the
> girl in charge of it. I'll discuss it with her tomorrow."
>
> "Don't talk to her, Chavy.  I'm ashamed.  My beautiful mother is so sick and
> looks terrible."
>
> "Don't be ashamed.  There's nothing wrong with you. When your mother
> recovers she'll look better."
>
> Pessi started crying, arousing Chavy's concern.  "Pessi, I didn't mean to
> upset you."
>
> "The doctors say now Mommy won't get any better.  They want to stop her
> therapy."
>
> Chavy put her arm around Pessi's shoulders.  From what little she understood
> about cancer, she knew that when a doctor said a person wouldn't get any
> better and stopped the treatment it didn't mean they expected good news.
>
> "We all know it's the end.  My mother is happy you came over today.  She's
> been telling me for a long time I need to find friends.  I tried to ignore
> it because I have too much to do and don't want anyone to know how poor we
> are."
>
> "Don't worry about what the others think.  Tonight we're raiding my mother's
> curtain closet.  Tomorrow after school we go to work."  They smiled at each
> other.  Pessi had a friend for the first time in years.
>
> Chavy called her father after Shabbos.  He agreed to pick them up and bring
> Pessi back later.
>
> Chavy approached the sofa.  "Thank you for a wonderful Shabbos, Mrs.
> Goldberg."
>
> "The pleasure is all ours, Chavy.  It's wonderful to see Pessi with a girl
> her age.  My little one, Suri, is at a friend's now, but Pessi stays home to
> do everything I should be doing around here."
>
>  "Mommy!  I told you I help you because I love you.  Don't insinuate I'm
> something exceptional when I'm just doing what I want."
>
> Pessi turned and led the way to the foyer.
>
> Back at Chavy's Yigal stood in the kitchen with a dishtowel over his arm
> glaring at his sister.  "I'll get you for this, Chavy Levy!  This is cruel
> and unusual punishment! Mommy felt that since my mouth caused you to not
> come right home I deserved this horrible fate.  Our dear sister Chumy
> insisted I dry.  It should be illegal to have little sisters!"
>
> "Yigal, when you find yourself a good wife I'll help you pack your bags."
>
> Pessi joined the laughter unable to remember the last time she laughed from
> genuine happiness.
>
> Yigal turned to Pessi.  "Is Avi Goldberg your brother?"
>
> "Yes.  Do you know him?"
>
> "Sure.  We go to Yeshiva together.  I tell him about my pain in the neck
> sister, but he insists his sister's a doll.  Can you teach my sister to be a
> doll?"
>
> "My brothers look at me as a doll because we treat each other with respect.
> Respect works two ways."
>
> "Yigal, after you learn from the Goldberg boys how to treat a good sister
> perhaps Pessi can teach me a few things.  Until then, cut the complaining."
>
> Chumy said, "Back to work, Yigal.  Only a few dishes to go."
>
> Mrs. Levy, a tall lady whose daughters bore her winning smile came to greet
> Pessi.  Chavy asked, "Mommy, you know all those curtains you have hanging in
> the closet?"
>
> "Yes, dear.  Why?"
>
> "Can we go through them to choose some for Pessi's house?"
>
> "Sure.  I'm sure Mrs. Goldberg will enjoy them."
>
> Bassie Levy visited Shayna Goldberg every week since the family moved to
> Jenna and they became good friends, but Bassie knew the extent of her
> illness.  Last week she confided they were stopping treatment.  Everyone
> knew what that meant.
>
> Downstairs the girls started going through the closet.  In time they came
> back with curtains and a few paintings.  Mrs. Levy approved everything
> before the two headed up to Chavy's room.
>
> Chavy smiled at Pessi.  "You're a very pretty girl.  All you need is a good
> haircut.  I cut Chumy's and some of my friends' hair all the time.  I enjoy
> doing it and they always come out of my bathroom looking great.  Can I do
> yours?"
>
> "If it's not too much trouble, I'd love it.  I can't remember the last time
> I had a good haircut."
>
> In the upstairs bathroom she took her scissors and began working her magic.
> Once done she stood behind Pessi admiring the image in the mirror.  "Pessi,
> you have the darkest, thickest hair I ever saw.  You'll be the envy of every
> girl in the school."
>
> "When my hair's properly cut it's my best feature."
>
> No it's not.  Those beautiful blue eyes with your dark hair are an
> unbeatable match."
>
> "This feels great!  Thank you."
>
> In her bedroom Chavy took two outfits from her closet. "Here are two good
> Shabbos outfits that Don't fit anymore.  If they fit they're yours.  Here's
> a pair of black shoes I outgrew.  They're in perfect condition.  Want to try
> them on?"
>
> Pessi gazed at the lovely clothing.  Her jaw settled into the same stubborn
> line Chavy witnessed earlier.  "I feel strange accepting these beautiful
> things.  I never took charity before."
>
> "This isn't charity.    I don't want to keep pushing the hangers that
> represent the way I used to be."
>
> Pessi took a long while to make up her mind.  Chavy thought she would leave
> the clothes on the bed.
>
> Eventually Pessi took off her sweater and pulled on the top to a black and
> white outfit that matched the pretty black pumps.  The shoes fit perfectly.
> Seeing her reflection in the mirror she couldn't believe the difference.
> She tried on the other stylish gray and pink wool outfit.
>
> Chavy sighed.  "I wish I could be as skinny as you."
>
> "Don't be silly, Chavy.  You look fine the way you are!"
>
>  "That's very nice of you, but I can read a scale."  Pessi sat on one of the
> beds observing Chavy's attractive room with white walls and pretty blue
> plush carpet.  She turned back to Chavy.  "At first I believed that by
> Monday morning you would be sick of me and my problems, and we would have
> both crept back into our own lives.  But I was wrong.  I know you aren't
> turned off at our run-down house or my beautiful mother who looks awful now.
>  I knew from the beginning you didn't take a look at my inappropriate
> clothes and figure they told my whole story.
>
> "I'm familiar with most of the girls.  Tatty learns the holy books with many
> of their fathers. A lot of their mothers visit mine.
>
> "If I didn't have to go straight home after school, I might be willing to
> make friends with the girls.  My mother has been trying to get me to do
> that.  We argue about it constantly. I have the right to run my own life,
> but she feels that I'm too much of a loner.   I love her, but this is one
> topic we'll never agree on.  I'm just more comfortable being a hermit."
>
>  "Are you really comfortable like that?"
>
> "I don't know right now.  Let's see how it goes.  I can be social with the
> other girls at school, but our relationships will end at the school door."
>
> Chavy ignored her last statement.  "I want Chesed to help you out.  You need
> and deserve it.  I'll just say one of your parents isn't well so the
> responsibility for everything is on your shoulders."
>
> "In spite of our poverty, I'm a proud person and never took such generous
> charity."
>
> "It's not charity.  Chesed girls go out to help people all week long.  They
> say they need the help for one reason or another and we send them girls."
>
> Pessi remained quiet for a long time.  Chavy thought she would refuse her
> suggestion.
>
> "I could use the help.  Thank you."  For the first time in five years Pessi
> admitted needing anyone.  It shocked her to realize this big step felt
> mighty good.
>
> "Tomorrow in school I'll try to be more a part of the class.  I'll say my
> Tehillim, but will also try to talk to the other girls."
>
> "For the fall holidays we attended your father's Synagogue.  My mother
> mentioned our fathers were classmates in Yeshiva.  Did you know that?"
>
> "He never told me their relationship dated back to their days in school."
>
> Mrs. Levy knocked on the door.  "Girls, Tatty can take Pessi home now."
>
> Chavy helped Pessi take everything out to the car.
>
> At home Pessi's mother lay on her couch and her father was studying the Holy
> books in his office.  When she entered the room Mrs. Goldberg stared at her.
>  "Pessi!  You're gorgeous!  Who cut your hair?"
>
> "Chavy.  She cuts her sister Chumy's hair all the time.  What do you think?"
> She turned around to give her mother the full effect.
>
> "I love it.  You must keep it up."
>
> Her mother noticed the bags she carried.  "What do you have there?"
>
> "Mrs. Levy buys curtains every time she sees a sale so has lots of them in
> the basement.  She gave me some to try to make this place look better.  They
> also gave me a few pictures."
>
> "I'll get Avi and Yitzy to hang up rods and picture hooks tomorrow.  What
> else do you have?"
>
> "Chavy gained some weight so doesn't fit into a few of her outfits.  There's
> also a pair of shoes she outgrew."
>
> Mrs. Goldberg admired everything. "They're all beautiful, Pessi.  Wear
> everything well, dear."  Pessi kissed her mother good night and headed for
> her room.  Shayna knew Pessi withdrew from the world of other girls because
> of their poverty and her illness.  She would take her guilt to her grave.
>
>
>
> Before going to bed that night Sheila took the little book and paper out of
> a drawer.  She glanced at the foreign writing and wondered what it could
> mean for Jennifer.  Was any of this writing relevant to the girl's identity?
>  She shrugged and returned it to its place.
>
>
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