[stylist] feedback please
BDM
lists at braddunsemusic.com
Fri May 7 18:08:04 UTC 2010
Judith,
I hadn't seen this before of course being fairly new to the list and trust
I'm not out of place commenting. A few general comments. Because the two
chapters are so different, I'm assuming they will connect which had me
curious while reading through Chapter 2... waiting gfor some sort of
connection so that was good. Kept me on the line a bit, though chapter one
seemd much shorter than Chapter 2if that matters. I found a few
occurrences to seem "left handed" as it were, no offense to south paws, I'm
ambidextrous myself :). But Jennifer asking for food with a near death
accident immediately on her heels, oxygen mask on and I V in her. That as
well a visitor feeding a patient a sandwich and not a nurse/staff, the boy
asking her out as she is coming out of a very serious situation seemed a
little rushed to me. I bordered on the realistic/believable here. In
chapter two if I'm catching all the names/relationships right, I found
it interesting the two girls Pessi and Chavy didn't know each other being
their dad's knew each other well? Is that right? And also Chavy's mom
visited Pessi's mom before? Maybe I got that one mixed up but I read
it straight through without going back as I thinkk that gives the best
input. Just as in a song, the tempo of the song requires one be absolutely
clear about what's happening as there is no time afforded to go back and
re-listen. Though one can go back in a book, similar importance I feel is
in literary works. I kind of got lost in the dialogs. I wasn't sure who
was saying what a couple times and it wasn't obvious all times by the
content. For ease of the reader to follow and enjoy, stating who said
what would help I think.
I thought you did a nice job of the teen age maturity and also I found
it satisfying the reason why Pessi dressed as she did, she's run ragged
from her mom's illness and I felt sorry for her having to take on not only
the impending sorrow but responsibilities she has. I did find it
interesting she was prideful but her folks seemed to welcome the charitable
gifts. It made me wonder where Pessi got her pride? I liked how you hide
Pessi's dad was the Rabbi, I really liked that and thoght that was a cool
technique and also very believable from a teen standpoint.
Over all I'm left with a healthy anticipation of the connection between
Jennifer and the other girls, Plus the tension Jennifer has with her own
identity and the friendship developign between Chavy and Pessi, the new kid
in town. A couple rushed items in the hospital scene, and a few dialog
confusions on my part. . I got a little muttled with the character
relationships in Chapter 2, but I sometimes get that way even with movies
until it gets going so that could be just me. I'm thinking this is a book
for teens? It didn't have me riveted to my seat but felt it was setting me
up for a deeper story to unfold.
Hope that helps.
Brad
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