[stylist] Feedback request, General content: Minneapolis Bus
BDM
lists at braddunsemusic.com
Mon May 10 01:48:45 UTC 2010
Donna,
Thank you very much for taking the time and your feedback. I will look at
it more in detail and no doubt learn from a more experienced writer. Thank
you very much.
Brad
At 06:58 PM 5/9/2010, you wrote:
>Hi Brad,
>Sorry it's taken so long to get to this. My In Box/life seems a bit out of
>control. I've heard so many good things about Blind Inc., so I was
>predisposed to read on to begin with. Here are some comments; maybe you've
>received the same from others, so sorry for the redundancy.
>First, I like the story conceptually. It's amusing and the things you
>point out about the buss, the buzzing fly and the passengers give a real
>flavor for the moment. I love the image of the drunk using the passengers'
>shoulders as rails. What concerns me is that the first half of the story
>doesn't seem to go with the second. I pick up very little feeling in the
>beginning. It seems like it's a piece about Blind Inc which borders on
>allowing the reader into your world, but doesn't quite pull it off. As a
>general comment, I'd say your sentences are trying to do too much and are
>too wordy. Here are a few examples.
>
>[Before I lost usable vision I sought out an adjustment to blindness
>training center in Minneapolis Minnesota.] Using the descriptives "an
>adjustment to blindness"
>before "training center" without hyphenating the phrase
>(adjustment-to-blindness) creates confusion because "an adjustment" itself
>sounds like a noun and the answer to what you were seeking. Then, "an
>adjustment to blindness" still sounds like its the adjustment you were
>seeking. If you don't like the hyphens, how about rephrasing to something
>like, "sought out a training center specializing in adjustment to
>blindness? Or, "where I could learn how to adjust to blindness.
>
>[Though apprehensions existed in what life would mean as a blind person, I
>looked forward
>to the challenge of learning skills that would enable me to live life
>successfully independent.] The phrase "live life successfully independent"
>seems both redundant and grammatically incorrect. How about "live a
>successful and independent life."
>
>
>[Besides learning skills as white cane travel, cooking
>for a large group of people, reading and writing Braille, and other daily
>life skills accomplished strictly under blind folds , one final
>requirement must be met using all of the mobility skills learned.] First
>of all, the phrase "Besides learning skills as white cane travel,..."
>should be "skills such as" More importantly, this sentence has too much in
>it. As such, it buries one of the most unique qualities of Blind Inc and
>other NFB training centers -- the blindfolds -- as an after-thought. It's
>a modifier of a phrase. To make matters worse, the phrase begins with the
>word "besides," which by its very nature suggests that the information is
>incidental. BTW, with regard to long sentences ... I tend to write that
>way. In fact, that comment was initially one long sentence. When I re read
>it, I broke it up for clarity. I find that allowing myself to just go
>ahead and write long sentences ensures that I get the information down on
>paper -- or virtual paper. My prejudice is that those of us who write that
>way are gifted organizers of information, capable of distilling data into
>dense chunks. Unfortunately, this isn't always the best thing to advance a
>story's suspense or present information in a way that it will be clear to
>the average reader. Also, even if you aren't all that interested in the
>reader picking up on facts about the training center, presenting them
>differently could give the reader some amusement or surprise, which would
>both keep their attention and allow the turn-about of the ending to be
>even more exciting.
>
>[On the surprisingly quiet bus with nothing else to do but listen
>to the engine roar and a buzzing fly next to me crashing its head into the
>window in efforts to escape, my attention was occasionally given to the
>entrance and exit of passengers at the stops. At one particular stop my
>ear picked up on a huge group of young elementary kids boarding and
>consuming every available seat, leaving teachers and a few chivalrous
>passengers standing holding on to the grab bars. Excited conversation
>assured me the kids were on an early
>morning field trip.] There are several things in this paragraph which make
>your blindness and the different way you perceive the world seem like the
>point, instead of having the observations themselves stand out. "my
>attention was occasionally given to..." "my ear picked up" "Excited
>conversation assured me ..." Also, the phrase "in efforts to escape"
>doesn't sound right to me. I believe that "in an effort to escape" is more
>conventional.
>
>Here's a suggested re write of the first sentence:
>The bus was surprisingly quiet. In an effort to escape, a buzzing fly was
>crashing its head into the window next to me and the engine was roaring.
>With so little to listen to, I
>
>started observing the passengers as they climbed in and out of the bus.
>
>HTH,
>Donna Hill
>
>
>Donna's articles on Suite 101:
>http://www.suite101.com/profile.cfm/donna_hill
>
>Free Download: "Love of My Life"
>http://www.passionsandpossibilities.com/guest-blogger-donna-hill-advocate-for-the-blind/
>
>Read my articles on American Chronicle:
>http://www.americanchronicle.com/authors/view/3885
>
>Follow me on Twitter:
>www.twitter.com/dewhill
>
>Join Me on LinkedIn:
>http://www.linkedin.com/in/dwh99
>
>Or, FaceBook:
>http://www.facebook.com/donna.w.hill.
>
>Hear clips from "The Last Straw" at:
>http://cdbaby.com/cd/donnahill
>
>Apple I-Tunes
>
>phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?playListId=259244374
>
>Performing Arts Division of the National Federation of the Blind
>www.padnfb.org
>
>
>
>BDM wrote:
>>Any and all feedback is appreciated. Target might be publications looking
>>for light hearted true stories. Content is rated G, general. In
>>professional songwriting evaluations some ask how one wants feedback.
>>Ranging from "Go easy on me" to "Give it to me straight I can take it". I
>>always opt for the latter with request to not leave out stuff they feel
>>works or they like. For any future evaluations/feedback here that's how
>>I'll assume its given provided its worth your spending memory real estate haha.
>>
>>
>>Minneapolis Bus
>>
>>Having been diagnosed with a retinal disease some years back. I had
>>decided to counteract the traumatic trick life had played and take a
>>proactive approach. Before I lost usable vision I sought out an
>>adjustment to blindness training center in Minneapolis Minnesota. This
>>training center is called Blindness Learning In New Dimensions or BLIND
>>Inc. for short, and was affectionately yet quite accurately, known as the
>>"boot camp for blind folks".
>>
>>Though apprehensions existed in what life would mean as a blind person, I
>>looked forward to the challenge of learning skills that would enable me
>>to live life successfully independent.
>>
>>Besides learning skills as white cane travel, cooking for a large group
>>of people, reading and writing Braille, and other daily life skills
>>accomplished strictly under blind folds , one final requirement must be
>>met using all of the mobility skills learned. In order to graduate a
>>student must solely complete what is known as a five mile "graduation
>>walk". While blindfolded students follow a list of Braille directions
>>instructing them to cross noisy intersections, direct them to specific
>>park locations, cross bridges; board certain buses and make their way
>>back to the training center.
>>
>>Upon successful return, a freedom bell is rung in their honor and as if a
>>congratulations button were pressed, peers and staff come applauding from
>>classrooms with smiles, hand shakes, and pats on the back as they share
>>victory over the test.
>>
>>The day of my graduation walk turned out to be an unseasonably warm one,
>>and about three quarters of the way into my five mile graduation course,
>>my legs found great relief on the city transit portion of the test. On
>>the surprisingly quiet bus with nothing else to do but listen to the
>>engine roar and a buzzing fly next to me crashing its head into the
>>window in efforts to escape, my attention was occasionally given to the
>>entrance and exit of passengers at the stops.
>>
>>At one particular stop my ear picked up on a huge group of young
>>elementary kids boarding and consuming every available seat, leaving
>>teachers and a few chivalrous passengers standing holding on to the grab
>>bars. Excited conversation assured me the kids were on an early morning
>>field trip.
>>
>>Sensing unusual activity at the front of the bus after the kids got on; I
>>curiously cheated by lifting my blindfold to find two gents were boarding
>>rather boisterously. Apparently they were still "having a night out";
>>unaware the sun had risen right along with their blood alcohol level. One
>>stared down the isle with concentrated beady eyes, pulled focus enough to
>>find the bus full, and stood up front droopily hugging the vertical grab
>>bar with both hands. The other fellow cockily swaggered about the bus
>>exploring for a seat, using passenger's shoulders like rails in bumper
>>bowling. The kid's chatter diminished as even they became aware of the
>>state these two gents were in. Mid way down the long isle and recognizing
>>the bus was full, the second fellow settled quietly to a staggered stance
>>next to a nervous teacher. Both stood quiet, as did the rest of the bus
>>with only the roar of the engine and squeak of the brakes for audible
>>entertainment.
>>
>>Finally breaking the intense silence, the adventurous drunk swung his
>>head sideways staring at the teacher, head bobbing from the bumpy ride
>>and alcohol content. With half mast eyes he looked at the teacher and said
>>
>>"Pardon me sir."
>>
>>The Teacher nervously returned the look replying
>>
>>"Yes?"
>>
>>The inebriated man proceeded
>>
>>"Do you know Jesus Christ?"
>>
>>Wide eyed and perplexed at the source of the question, the teacher replied
>>
>>"Why, ah, yes. I do."
>>
>>The drunken man returned his bobbing head to a forward position slurring
>>in apparent amazement
>>
>>"Well it sure is a small world isn't it?"
>>
>>©2010 Brad Dunse
>>_______________________________________________
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Brad Dunse
If you want people to stop poking holes in your boat,
get them in the boat with you
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