[stylist] Feedback request, General content: Minneapolis Bus

Sun May 9 23:58:28 UTC 2010

Hi Brad,
Sorry it's taken so long to get to this. My In Box/life seems a bit out 
of control. I've heard so many good things about Blind Inc., so I was 
predisposed to read on to begin with. Here are some comments; maybe 
you've received the same from others, so sorry for the redundancy.
First, I like the story conceptually. It's amusing and the things you 
point out about the buss, the buzzing fly and the passengers give a real 
flavor for the moment. I love the image of the drunk using the 
passengers' shoulders as rails. What concerns me is that the first half 
of the story doesn't seem to go with the second. I pick up very little 
feeling in the beginning. It seems like it's a piece about Blind Inc 
which borders on allowing the reader into your world, but doesn't quite 
pull it off. As a general comment, I'd say your sentences are trying to 
do too much and are too wordy. Here are a few examples.

[Before I lost usable vision I sought out an adjustment to blindness
training center in Minneapolis Minnesota.] Using the descriptives "an 
adjustment to blindness"
before "training center" without hyphenating the phrase 
(adjustment-to-blindness) creates confusion because "an adjustment" 
itself sounds like a noun and the answer to what you were seeking. Then, 
"an adjustment to blindness" still sounds like its the adjustment you 
were seeking. If you don't like the hyphens, how about rephrasing to 
something like, "sought out a training center specializing in adjustment 
to blindness? Or, "where I could learn how to adjust to blindness.

[Though apprehensions existed in what life would mean as a blind person, 
I looked forward
to the challenge of learning skills that would enable me to live life 
successfully independent.] The phrase "live life successfully 
independent" seems both redundant and grammatically incorrect. How about 
"live a successful and independent life."

[Besides learning skills as white cane travel, cooking
for a large group of people, reading and writing Braille, and other 
daily life skills accomplished strictly under blind folds , one final 
requirement must be met using all of the mobility skills learned.] First 
of all, the phrase "Besides learning skills as white cane travel,..." 
should be "skills such as" More importantly, this sentence has too much 
in it. As such, it buries one of the most unique qualities of Blind Inc 
and other NFB training centers -- the blindfolds -- as an after-thought. 
It's a modifier of a phrase. To make matters worse, the phrase begins 
with the word "besides," which by its very nature suggests that the 
information is incidental. BTW, with regard to long sentences ... I tend 
to write that way. In fact, that comment was initially one long 
sentence. When I re read it, I broke it up for clarity. I find that 
allowing myself to just go ahead and write long sentences ensures that I 
get the information down on paper -- or virtual paper. My prejudice is 
that those of us who write that way are gifted organizers of 
information, capable of distilling data into dense chunks. 
Unfortunately, this isn't always the best thing to advance a story's 
suspense or present information in a way that it will be clear to the 
average reader. Also, even if you aren't all that interested in the 
reader picking up on facts about the training center, presenting them 
differently could give the reader some amusement or surprise, which 
would both keep their attention and allow the turn-about of the ending 
to be even more exciting.

[On the surprisingly quiet bus with nothing else to do but listen
to the engine roar and a buzzing fly next to me crashing its head into 
the window in efforts to escape, my attention was occasionally given to 
the entrance and exit of passengers at the stops. At one particular stop 
my ear picked up on a huge group of young elementary kids boarding and 
consuming every available seat, leaving teachers and a few chivalrous 
passengers standing holding on to the grab bars. Excited conversation 
assured me the kids were on an early
morning field trip.] There are several things in this paragraph which 
make your blindness and the different way you perceive the world seem 
like the point, instead of having the observations themselves stand out. 
"my attention was occasionally given to..." "my ear picked up" "Excited 
conversation assured me ..." Also, the phrase "in efforts to escape" 
doesn't sound right to me. I believe that "in an effort to escape" is 
more conventional.

Here's a suggested re write of the first sentence:
The bus was surprisingly quiet. In an effort to escape, a buzzing fly 
was crashing its head into the window next to me and the engine was 
roaring. With so little to listen to, I

started observing the passengers as they climbed in and out of the bus.

HTH,
Donna Hill

Donna's articles on Suite 101:
http://www.suite101.com/profile.cfm/donna_hill

Free Download: "Love of My Life"
http://www.passionsandpossibilities.com/guest-blogger-donna-hill-advocate-for-the-blind/

Read my articles on American Chronicle:
http://www.americanchronicle.com/authors/view/3885

Follow me on Twitter:
www.twitter.com/dewhill

Join Me on LinkedIn:
http://www.linkedin.com/in/dwh99

Or,  FaceBook:
http://www.facebook.com/donna.w.hill.

Hear clips from "The Last Straw" at:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/donnahill

Apple I-Tunes

phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?playListId=259244374

Performing Arts Division of the National Federation of the Blind
www.padnfb.org

BDM wrote:
> Any and all feedback is appreciated. Target might be publications 
> looking for light hearted true stories. Content is rated G, general. 
> In professional songwriting evaluations some ask how one wants 
> feedback. Ranging from "Go easy on me" to "Give it to me straight I 
> can take it". I always opt for the latter with request to not leave 
> out stuff they feel works or they like. For any future 
> evaluations/feedback here that's how I'll assume its given provided 
> its worth your spending memory real estate haha.
>
>
> Minneapolis Bus
>
> Having been diagnosed with a retinal disease some years back. I had 
> decided to counteract the traumatic trick life had played and take a 
> proactive approach. Before I lost usable vision I sought out an 
> adjustment to blindness training center in Minneapolis Minnesota. This 
> training center is called Blindness Learning In New Dimensions or 
> BLIND Inc. for short, and was affectionately yet quite accurately, 
> known as the "boot camp for blind folks".
>
> Though apprehensions existed in what life would mean as a blind 
> person, I looked forward to the challenge of learning skills that 
> would enable me to live life successfully independent.
>
> Besides learning skills as white cane travel, cooking for a large 
> group of people, reading and writing Braille, and other daily life 
> skills accomplished strictly under blind folds , one final requirement 
> must be met using all of the mobility skills learned. In order to 
> graduate a student must solely complete what is known as a five mile 
> "graduation walk". While blindfolded students follow a list of Braille 
> directions instructing them to cross noisy intersections, direct them 
> to specific park locations, cross bridges; board certain buses and 
> make their way back to the training center.
>
> Upon successful return, a freedom bell is rung in their honor and as 
> if a congratulations button were pressed, peers and staff come 
> applauding from classrooms with smiles, hand shakes, and pats on the 
> back as they share victory over the test.
>
> The day of my graduation walk turned out to be an unseasonably warm 
> one, and about three quarters of the way into my five mile graduation 
> course, my legs found great relief on the city transit portion of the 
> test. On the surprisingly quiet bus with nothing else to do but listen 
> to the engine roar and a buzzing fly next to me crashing its head into 
> the window in efforts to escape, my attention was occasionally given 
> to the entrance and exit of passengers at the stops.
>
> At one particular stop my ear picked up on a huge group of young 
> elementary kids boarding and consuming every available seat, leaving 
> teachers and a few chivalrous passengers standing holding on to the 
> grab bars. Excited conversation assured me the kids were on an early 
> morning field trip.
>
> Sensing unusual activity at the front of the bus after the kids got 
> on; I curiously cheated by lifting my blindfold to find two gents were 
> boarding rather boisterously. Apparently they were still "having a 
> night out"; unaware the sun had risen right along with their blood 
> alcohol level. One stared down the isle with concentrated beady eyes, 
> pulled focus enough to find the bus full, and stood up front droopily 
> hugging the vertical grab bar with both hands. The other fellow 
> cockily swaggered about the bus exploring for a seat, using 
> passenger's shoulders like rails in bumper bowling. The kid's chatter 
> diminished as even they became aware of the state these two gents were 
> in. Mid way down the long isle and recognizing the bus was full, the 
> second fellow settled quietly to a staggered stance next to a nervous 
> teacher. Both stood quiet, as did the rest of the bus with only the 
> roar of the engine and squeak of the brakes for audible entertainment.
>
> Finally breaking the intense silence, the adventurous drunk swung his 
> head sideways staring at the teacher, head bobbing from the bumpy ride 
> and alcohol content. With half mast eyes he looked at the teacher and 
> said…
>
> "Pardon me sir."
>
> The Teacher nervously returned the look replying
>
> "Yes?"
>
> The inebriated man proceeded
>
> "Do you know Jesus Christ?"
>
> Wide eyed and perplexed at the source of the question, the teacher 
> replied
>
> "Why, ah, yes. I do."
>
> The drunken man returned his bobbing head to a forward position 
> slurring in apparent amazement…
>
> "Well it sure is a small world isn't it?"
>
> ©2010 Brad Dunse
> _______________________________________________
> Writers Division web site:
> http://www.nfb-writers-division.org 
> <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
>
> stylist mailing list
> stylist at nfbnet.org
> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for 
> stylist:
> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/penatwork%40epix.net 
>
>
>
>
>
> E-mail message checked by Spyware Doctor (7.0.0.514)
> Database version: 6.14900
> http://www.pctools.com/en/spyware-doctor-antivirus/
>

=======
Email scanned by PC Tools - No viruses or spyware found.
(Email Guard: 7.0.0.18, Virus/Spyware Database: 6.14950)
http://www.pctools.com/
=======