[stylist] question about word usage

[Joe Orozco]

Hi Judith,

Your sentence reads:

Totally spooked, she ran to her bedroom without looking at the little packet
and placed it with other papers in her dresser.

Option 1:

She was unsettled.  She ran to her bedroom without looking at the little
packet and placed it with other papers in her dresser.

Option 2:

Appalled, she ran to her bedroom without looking at the little packet and
placed it with other papers in her dresser.

The problem with word usage in this sentence is that the character runs to
her bedroom.  "Spooked," "appalled" or any other such descriptive word means
she is at least temporarily shocked, and shocked people aren't likely to
dart first to the window and then to the bedroom.  The actions seem a little
disjointed.  If the scene is supposed to be a flashback, I would spend more
time cultivating the setting.  Perhaps there was something about the
visitor, the unusual time of day, something ominous about the way he looked,
something to make the reader feel just as perplexed by the visitor as the
character.

I hope that helps.

Best,

Joe

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves,
some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."--Sam Ewing 

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org 
[mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Judith Bron
Sent: Thursday, October 14, 2010 8:37 PM
To: Stylist
Subject: [stylist] question about word usage

Here is a section from my novel "The Letter."  I use the phrase 
"Totally spooked" and wonder if there is something more 
appropriate that I should be using.  Any help would be most 
appreciated.  Thanks, Judith  

On her way to the car Sheila thought about the little book with 
an inserted paper delivered a few months earlier by a strange 
man.  He had said, "Mrs. Hamilton, I'm a lawyer representing a 
family that perished in the holocaust.  This little packet 
containing a small book and paper were given to me to deliver 
to you for Jennifer Rabinowitz.  They are left by her parents.  
It should be presented to her on her seventeenth birthday.  
Please don't tell Jennifer or your husband about this meeting.  
A good day to you."  The man left the house and she ran to the 
front window to watch him drive away.  But no car appeared on 
the driveway or street.  There was no man walking away from the 
house.  Totally spooked, she ran to her bedroom without looking 
at the little packet and placed it with other papers in her dresser.  
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