[stylist] question about word usage

[Judith Bron]

Hi Joe, Appalled means angry.  Why should she be angry?  It was a normal day 
when the stranger knocked or rang the bell.  Here is what I came up with. 
I'm interested in your reaction.

On her way to the car Sheila thought about the little book with an inserted 
paper delivered a few months earlier by a strange man.  He had said, "Mrs. 
Hamilton, I'm a lawyer representing a family that perished in the holocaust. 
This little packet containing a small book and paper were given to me to 
deliver to you for Jennifer Rabinowitz.  They are left by her parents.  It 
should be presented to her on her seventeenth birthday.  Please don't tell 
Jennifer or your husband about this meeting.  A good day to you."  The man 
left the house and she ran to the front window to watch him drive away.  But 
no car appeared on the driveway or street.  There was no man walking away 
from the house.  She felt her blood run cold.  She ran to her bedroom 
without looking at the little packet and placed it with other papers in her 
dresser.

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Joe Orozco" <jsorozco at gmail.com>
To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Friday, October 15, 2010 9:37 AM
Subject: Re: [stylist] question about word usage


> Hi Judith,
>
> Your sentence reads:
>
> Totally spooked, she ran to her bedroom without looking at the little 
> packet
> and placed it with other papers in her dresser.
>
> Option 1:
>
> She was unsettled.  She ran to her bedroom without looking at the little
> packet and placed it with other papers in her dresser.
>
> Option 2:
>
> Appalled, she ran to her bedroom without looking at the little packet and
> placed it with other papers in her dresser.
>
> The problem with word usage in this sentence is that the character runs to
> her bedroom.  "Spooked," "appalled" or any other such descriptive word 
> means
> she is at least temporarily shocked, and shocked people aren't likely to
> dart first to the window and then to the bedroom.  The actions seem a 
> little
> disjointed.  If the scene is supposed to be a flashback, I would spend 
> more
> time cultivating the setting.  Perhaps there was something about the
> visitor, the unusual time of day, something ominous about the way he 
> looked,
> something to make the reader feel just as perplexed by the visitor as the
> character.
>
> I hope that helps.
>
> Best,
>
> Joe
>
> "Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves,
> some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."--Sam Ewing
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org
> [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Judith Bron
> Sent: Thursday, October 14, 2010 8:37 PM
> To: Stylist
> Subject: [stylist] question about word usage
>
> Here is a section from my novel "The Letter."  I use the phrase
> "Totally spooked" and wonder if there is something more
> appropriate that I should be using.  Any help would be most
> appreciated.  Thanks, Judith
>
> On her way to the car Sheila thought about the little book with
> an inserted paper delivered a few months earlier by a strange
> man.  He had said, "Mrs. Hamilton, I'm a lawyer representing a
> family that perished in the holocaust.  This little packet
> containing a small book and paper were given to me to deliver
> to you for Jennifer Rabinowitz.  They are left by her parents.
> It should be presented to her on her seventeenth birthday.
> Please don't tell Jennifer or your husband about this meeting.
> A good day to you."  The man left the house and she ran to the
> front window to watch him drive away.  But no car appeared on
> the driveway or street.  There was no man walking away from the
> house.  Totally spooked, she ran to her bedroom without looking
> at the little packet and placed it with other papers in her dresser.
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