[stylist] Christmas Assignment: Dear Mr. Claus (Slightly suggestive, one ...

Wed Dec 7 23:38:55 UTC 2011

A collective, list traffic saving, thanks all for 
your comments. I'm glad it brought a smile. It 
was good to just sit down and let the creative me 
fling the fingers  about the keyboard for a while.

Brad

On 12/7/2011  10:24 AM KajunCutie926 at aol.com said...
>oh my goodness.. this was great!  I enjoyed 
>it  from beginning to end.. thank you for 
>bringing me such a huge smile today and  the 
>image of Mr. Claus copping your six-pack will 
>stay with me for awhile..  Fantastic! Myrna In a 
>message dated 12/7/2011 10:16:58 A.M. Central 
>Standard Time,  lists at braddunsemusic.com writes: 
>The  below is lightly suggestive and one minor 
>expletive, nothing horrible, but  there's my 
>disclaimer :). I wasn't sure what to write but 
>just took  this for a needed time of free-form 
>idea musing. My  internet has  been out for 
>updating the past couple days so I might be 
>playing catch up  a bit. Dear Mr. Claus: I am 
>writing with respect to last year's  Christmas. 
>It might seem a bit odd to you I am not writing 
>on behalf  of a trumped up gift list, or making 
>plea that I've been a good boy this  year--after 
>all, that incident at the company party last 
>month had no  meaning to it whatsoever. Besides, 
>it was dark in that closet, how was I  supposed 
>to know that wasn't my wife! Well there was a 
>matter of that  strange birthmark, and at the 
>time I did question the size of her 

>never   mind, that is not the issue 
 Well, OK 
>then, her feeet OK? I was about  to say her 
>feet! Geesh, what a mind you have, no wonder 
>you've got elves  running around up there like 
>the Pied Piper crashing a mouse  convention. 
>Nevertheless, I am writing in advance to 
>seek  restitution to damages incurred last 24th 
>of December. My  intentions--I can assure 
>you--are quite dogmatic in nature, and I 
>intend  to be fully compensated. I've spoken to 
>my attorney regarding services  rendered, if 
>necessary, and he assures me that due to your 
>jurisdiction,  that even if you have in your 
>possession, a Claus clause, because the  North 
>Pole bi-laws contains a few major flaws, your 
>Claus clause will not  stand up in the U. S. 
>court of laws;, and might as well be written 
>on  a piece of gauze, and that sir, draws from 
>me, a very large  applause. That said please 
>find the following complaints: 1.  Roof damage: 
>Upon your kangaroo-style landing on our roof 
>last year--thank  you very much, you and your 
>steel-railed wooden crate took out three  roof 
>vents, one satellite dish, and approximately 200 
>square feet of  roofing of which we can no 
>longer match color or 
>manufacturer;  furthermore, shingling over the 
>existing roof puts the load bearing  weight over 
>code, which will now require the roof to be 
>stripped, papered,  and an entire new roof 
>installed. Additionally when you lit out 
>of  here, you snagged your sleigh runners on our 
>string of decor lights of the  leg-lamp chimney 
>ornament and smashed it into the neighbor's 
>picture  window--I suspect you'll be getting a 
>letter from him as well. 2.  Christmas Wreath: 
>When you were coughing your way down the chimney 
>without  care, one of your smart alec reindeer 
>unhitched himself, jumped down  off the roof and 
>ate the Pine cone decoration hanging off the 
>front deck!  Don't you feed them things? What 
>are they goats with branches strapped  on their 
>heads or what? I'm not sure but I think it was 
>the one pawing at  his bubble-nose. If I didn't 
>know better, I'd swear it was Jimmy  Derandi 
>reincarnated to one of your antlered goats. 3. 
>Carpet  Replacement: After you plucked yourself 
>from the chimney flue and doused  your pretty 
>little outfit with the glass of milk, putting 
>out the  fabric fire--I do apologize for that 
>one; I probably ought have let it  burn out 
>before you shoved yourself down that cement 
>straw, but  honestly, you'd think the smoke 
>coming out the top would have given  you a clue? 
>Surely, the coughing, hacking, and sneezing of 
>your lead goat  would have given some indication 
>of a fire in the hole when you so  elegantly 
>performed your bounce-n-skid landing. At any 
>rate, when you  excreted yourself from the fire 
>grate, you got ash and soot all over 
>the  carpet--stomping black footprints all the 
>way over to the milk and  cookies. And don't 
>think I didn't see the prints headed to the 
>fridge, a  six-pack of beer missing, and more 
>prints headed downstairs to the  mother-in-law 
>quarters; I would like some explanation on that 
>one. I've  been staving off my wife's inquiry 
>for the past 11-months as to why  her mother 
>suddenly took up the pipe and holds her belly 
>while ho-hoing  around the house with a grin the 
>kids can't understand. Back to the  carpet, the 
>room size is 21-by-18-feet, creamy burbur with 
>half-inch nap,  and none of that cheap foam 
>underlayment padding either. We'd like 
>it  installed before the Christmas party next 
>week if you would; were  throwing one for the 
>Junior Hunter Leagues meeting; we're lobbying 
>for  a legalized season on reindeer, so watch 
>your goats old man. 4.  Third Party Theft: 
>Finally, I understand your trepidation at the 
>thought  of jumping in that fire pit and blowing 
>your nose back up the chimney,  but you left the 
>front door unlocked, and little known to you as 
>you were  hoisting your milk and cookie-self up 
>the downspout to the roof,  bending it all to 
>hell by the way why didn't you just whistle one 
>of your  flying goats down to swoosh you back up 
>to the roof, he didn't seem to  have much 
>problem floating his way down when helping 
>himself to the all  you can eat Pine cone buffet 
>on the deck now did he? Anyway, as you  were 
>beating cheeks up to the roof, crumpling our 
>gutter system, unknown  to you were two small 
>-time filchers who walked right in the door 
>you  left unlocked, and made off with all the 
>stuff you brought. I think  they were in the 
>process of heisting our TV and stereo too until 
>they  heard the crash of the neighbors picture 
>window you sent the leg lamp  sailing through. 
>They got scared and ran off with what they had 
>in the car  already. In summary then, please 
>remit the below: $14,289 Roof  replacement 
>$2,416.48 Carpet replacement $835.47 
>Satellite  dish $48.26 Leg Lamp, decor lights 
>and one 50-foot extension cord $25.95  Pine cone 
>wreath $17615.16 Total Oh, and when you come 
>this  year? Replenish the six-pack you copped 
>off me, and hands off the  mother-in-law! Happy 
>Holidays, I. A.  Grinch Brad DunsÃ© "Be 
>yourself; everyone else is  already taken." 
>--Oscar  Wilde http://www.braddunsemusic.com 
>http://www.facebook.com/braddunse 
>http://www.twitter.com/braddunse 
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Brad Dunsé

"If you can get to a bridge within 2.5 minutes 
from where ever you are at the moment...
You might be a songwriter." --Capt'n Frank

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