[stylist] Christmas Assignment: Dear Mr. Claus (Slightly suggestive, one ...

Wed Dec 7 16:24:30 UTC 2011

oh my goodness.. this was great!  I enjoyed it  from beginning to end.. 
thank you for bringing me such a huge smile today and  the image of Mr. Claus 
copping your six-pack will stay with me for awhile..  Fantastic!

Myrna

In a message dated 12/7/2011 10:16:58 A.M. Central Standard Time,  
lists at braddunsemusic.com writes:

The  below is lightly suggestive and one minor 
expletive, nothing horrible, but  there's my 
disclaimer :). I wasn't sure what to write but 
just took  this for a needed time of free-form 
idea musing. My  internet has  been out for 
updating the past couple days so I might be playing catch up  a bit.

Dear Mr. Claus:

I am writing with respect to last year's  
Christmas. It might seem a bit odd to you I am 
not writing on behalf  of a trumped up gift list, 
or making plea that I've been a good boy this  
year--after all, that incident at the company 
party last month had no  meaning to it whatsoever. 
Besides, it was dark in that closet, how was I  
supposed to know that wasn't my wife! Well there 
was a matter of that  strange birthmark, and at 
the time I did question the size of her … never  
mind, that is not the issue … Well, OK then, her 
feet OK? I was about  to say her feet! Geesh, what 
a mind you have, no wonder you've got elves  
running around up there like the Pied Piper crashing a mouse  convention.

Nevertheless, I am writing in advance to seek  
restitution to damages incurred last 24th of 
December. My  intentions--I can assure you--are 
quite dogmatic in nature, and I intend  to be 
fully compensated. I've spoken to my attorney 
regarding services  rendered, if necessary, and he 
assures me that due to your jurisdiction,  that 
even if you have in your possession, a Claus 
clause, because the  North Pole bi-laws contains a 
few major flaws, your Claus clause will not  stand 
up in the U. S. court of laws;, and might as well 
be written on  a piece of gauze, and that sir, 
draws from me, a very large  applause.

That said please find the following complaints:

1.  Roof damage: Upon your kangaroo-style landing 
on our roof last year--thank  you very much, you 
and your steel-railed wooden crate took out three  
roof vents, one satellite dish, and approximately 
200 square feet of  roofing of which we can no 
longer match color or manufacturer;  furthermore, 
shingling over the existing roof puts the load 
bearing  weight over code, which will now require 
the roof to be stripped, papered,  and an entire 
new roof installed. Additionally when you lit out 
of  here, you snagged your sleigh runners on our 
string of decor lights of the  leg-lamp chimney 
ornament and smashed it into the neighbor's 
picture  window--I suspect you'll be getting a letter from him as well.

2.  Christmas Wreath: When you were coughing your 
way down the chimney without  care, one of your 
smart alec reindeer unhitched himself, jumped 
down  off the roof and ate the Pine cone 
decoration hanging off the front deck!  Don't you 
feed them things? What are they goats with 
branches strapped  on their heads or what? I'm not 
sure but I think it was the one pawing at  his 
bubble-nose. If I didn't know better, I'd swear 
it was Jimmy  Derandi reincarnated to one of your antlered goats.

3. Carpet  Replacement: After you plucked yourself 
from the chimney flue and doused  your pretty 
little outfit with the glass of milk, putting out 
the  fabric fire--I do apologize for that one; I 
probably ought have let it  burn out before you 
shoved yourself down that cement straw, but  
honestly, you'd think the smoke coming out the 
top would have given  you a clue? Surely, the 
coughing, hacking, and sneezing of your lead goat  
would have given some indication of a fire in the 
hole when you so  elegantly performed your bounce-n-skid landing.

At any rate, when you  excreted yourself from the 
fire grate, you got ash and soot all over the  
carpet--stomping black footprints all the way 
over to the milk and  cookies. And don't think I 
didn't see the prints headed to the fridge, a  
six-pack of beer missing, and more prints headed 
downstairs to the  mother-in-law quarters; I would 
like some explanation on that one. I've  been 
staving off my wife's inquiry for the past 
11-months as to why  her mother suddenly took up 
the pipe and holds her belly while ho-hoing  
around the house with a grin the kids can't 
understand. Back to the  carpet, the room size is 
21-by-18-feet, creamy burbur with half-inch nap,  
and none of that cheap foam underlayment padding 
either. We'd like it  installed before the 
Christmas party next week if you would; were  
throwing one for the Junior Hunter Leagues 
meeting; we're lobbying for  a legalized season on 
reindeer, so watch your goats old man.

4.  Third Party Theft: Finally, I understand your 
trepidation at the thought  of jumping in that 
fire pit and blowing your nose back up the 
chimney,  but you left the front door unlocked, 
and little known to you as you were  hoisting your 
milk and cookie-self up the downspout to the 
roof,  bending it all to hell by the way why 
didn't you just whistle one of your  flying goats 
down to swoosh you back up to the roof, he didn't 
seem to  have much problem floating his way down 
when helping himself to the all  you can eat Pine 
cone buffet on the deck now did he? Anyway, as 
you  were beating cheeks up to the roof, crumpling 
our gutter system, unknown  to you were two small 
-time filchers who walked right in the door you  
left unlocked, and made off with all the stuff 
you brought. I think  they were in the process of 
heisting our TV and stereo too until they  heard 
the crash of the neighbors picture window you 
sent the leg lamp  sailing through. They got 
scared and ran off with what they had in the car  already.

In summary then, please remit the below:

$14,289 Roof  replacement
$2,416.48 Carpet replacement
$835.47 Satellite  dish
$48.26 Leg Lamp, decor lights and one 50-foot extension cord
$25.95  Pine cone wreath

$17615.16 Total

Oh, and when you come this  year? Replenish the 
six-pack you copped off me, and hands off the  mother-in-law!

Happy Holidays,

I. A.  Grinch

Brad Dunsé

"Be yourself; everyone else is  already taken." --Oscar  Wilde

http://www.braddunsemusic.com

http://www.facebook.com/braddunse

http://www.twitter.com/braddunse

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