[stylist] Christmas Assignment: Dear Mr. Claus (Slightly suggestive, one minor explitive)

Thu Dec 8 08:45:47 UTC 2011

Good morning.  

This is a good story and some of it is quite funny.  

Before I comment further I realize not everyone on this list is of the
Christian belief but what follows is what I felt inspired to write.  

I think the Santa Claus defense would be this.  Somehow Rudolph was absent
on this trip.  

As we know Rudolph has superb orientation and mobility skills.  The lack of
his guidance really messed things up.  Rudolph has instincts as good as any
guide dog and incidently, his red nose is a non-visual
interface(particularly useful on foggy Christmas Eve's), making him the
first blind driver with real-world experience.  

Mr. Claus sincerely apologizes for this oversight and will see to it that it
doesn't occur again.  Even St. Nicholas realizes that we all fall short of
God's glory and need his grace.  After all this gift to all of us through
Christ is the true meaning of the season.  

Perhaps I'll have more on the back story on Rudolph later.  

Merry Christmas 

Bill Outman 

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Brad Dunsé
Sent: Wednesday, December 07, 2011 7:21 AM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: [stylist] Christmas Assignment: Dear Mr. Claus (Slightly
suggestive, one minor explitive)

The below is lightly suggestive and one minor 
expletive, nothing horrible, but there's my 
disclaimer :). I wasn't sure what to write but 
just took this for a needed time of free-form 
idea musing. My  internet has been out for 
updating the past couple days so I might be playing catch up a bit.

Dear Mr. Claus:

I am writing with respect to last year's 
Christmas. It might seem a bit odd to you I am 
not writing on behalf of a trumped up gift list, 
or making plea that I've been a good boy this 
year--after all, that incident at the company 
party last month had no meaning to it whatsoever. 
Besides, it was dark in that closet, how was I 
supposed to know that wasn't my wife! Well there 
was a matter of that strange birthmark, and at 
the time I did question the size of her 
 never 
mind, that is not the issue 
 Well, OK then, her 
feet OK? I was about to say her feet! Geesh, what 
a mind you have, no wonder you've got elves 
running around up there like the Pied Piper crashing a mouse convention.

Nevertheless, I am writing in advance to seek 
restitution to damages incurred last 24th of 
December. My intentions--I can assure you--are 
quite dogmatic in nature, and I intend to be 
fully compensated. I've spoken to my attorney 
regarding services rendered, if necessary, and he 
assures me that due to your jurisdiction, that 
even if you have in your possession, a Claus 
clause, because the North Pole bi-laws contains a 
few major flaws, your Claus clause will not stand 
up in the U. S. court of laws;, and might as well 
be written on a piece of gauze, and that sir, 
draws from me, a very large applause.

That said please find the following complaints:

1. Roof damage: Upon your kangaroo-style landing 
on our roof last year--thank you very much, you 
and your steel-railed wooden crate took out three 
roof vents, one satellite dish, and approximately 
200 square feet of roofing of which we can no 
longer match color or manufacturer; furthermore, 
shingling over the existing roof puts the load 
bearing weight over code, which will now require 
the roof to be stripped, papered, and an entire 
new roof installed. Additionally when you lit out 
of here, you snagged your sleigh runners on our 
string of decor lights of the leg-lamp chimney 
ornament and smashed it into the neighbor's 
picture window--I suspect you'll be getting a letter from him as well.

2. Christmas Wreath: When you were coughing your 
way down the chimney without care, one of your 
smart alec reindeer unhitched himself, jumped 
down off the roof and ate the Pine cone 
decoration hanging off the front deck! Don't you 
feed them things? What are they goats with 
branches strapped on their heads or what? I'm not 
sure but I think it was the one pawing at his 
bubble-nose. If I didn't know better, I'd swear 
it was Jimmy Derandi reincarnated to one of your antlered goats.

3. Carpet Replacement: After you plucked yourself 
from the chimney flue and doused your pretty 
little outfit with the glass of milk, putting out 
the fabric fire--I do apologize for that one; I 
probably ought have let it burn out before you 
shoved yourself down that cement straw, but 
honestly, you'd think the smoke coming out the 
top would have given you a clue? Surely, the 
coughing, hacking, and sneezing of your lead goat 
would have given some indication of a fire in the 
hole when you so elegantly performed your bounce-n-skid landing.

At any rate, when you excreted yourself from the 
fire grate, you got ash and soot all over the 
carpet--stomping black footprints all the way 
over to the milk and cookies. And don't think I 
didn't see the prints headed to the fridge, a 
six-pack of beer missing, and more prints headed 
downstairs to the mother-in-law quarters; I would 
like some explanation on that one. I've been 
staving off my wife's inquiry for the past 
11-months as to why her mother suddenly took up 
the pipe and holds her belly while ho-hoing 
around the house with a grin the kids can't 
understand. Back to the carpet, the room size is 
21-by-18-feet, creamy burbur with half-inch nap, 
and none of that cheap foam underlayment padding 
either. We'd like it installed before the 
Christmas party next week if you would; were 
throwing one for the Junior Hunter Leagues 
meeting; we're lobbying for a legalized season on 
reindeer, so watch your goats old man.

4. Third Party Theft: Finally, I understand your 
trepidation at the thought of jumping in that 
fire pit and blowing your nose back up the 
chimney, but you left the front door unlocked, 
and little known to you as you were hoisting your 
milk and cookie-self up the downspout to the 
roof, bending it all to hell by the way why 
didn't you just whistle one of your flying goats 
down to swoosh you back up to the roof, he didn't 
seem to have much problem floating his way down 
when helping himself to the all you can eat Pine 
cone buffet on the deck now did he? Anyway, as 
you were beating cheeks up to the roof, crumpling 
our gutter system, unknown to you were two small 
-time filchers who walked right in the door you 
left unlocked, and made off with all the stuff 
you brought. I think they were in the process of 
heisting our TV and stereo too until they heard 
the crash of the neighbors picture window you 
sent the leg lamp sailing through. They got 
scared and ran off with what they had in the car already.

In summary then, please remit the below:

$14,289 Roof replacement
$2,416.48 Carpet replacement
$835.47 Satellite dish
$48.26 Leg Lamp, decor lights and one 50-foot extension cord
$25.95 Pine cone wreath

$17615.16 Total

Oh, and when you come this year? Replenish the 
six-pack you copped off me, and hands off the mother-in-law!

Happy Holidays,

I. A. Grinch

Brad Dunsé

"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." --Oscar Wilde

http://www.braddunsemusic.com

http://www.facebook.com/braddunse

http://www.twitter.com/braddunse

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