[stylist] Christmas Assignment: Dear Mr. Claus (Slightly suggestive, one minor explitive)

Thu Dec 8 12:31:01 UTC 2011

I like your idea :). Perhaps we'll see a "Dear 
Mr. Grinch" letter. from the customer service 
department  or from old Nick himself.

Brad

On 12/8/2011  02:45 AM Bill Outman said...
>Good morning.
>
>This is a good story and some of it is quite funny.
>
>Before I comment further I realize not everyone on this list is of the
>Christian belief but what follows is what I felt inspired to write.
>
>I think the Santa Claus defense would be this.  Somehow Rudolph was absent
>on this trip.
>
>As we know Rudolph has superb orientation and mobility skills.  The lack of
>his guidance really messed things up.  Rudolph has instincts as good as any
>guide dog and incidently, his red nose is a non-visual
>interface(particularly useful on foggy Christmas Eve's), making him the
>first blind driver with real-world experience.
>
>Mr. Claus sincerely apologizes for this oversight and will see to it that it
>doesn't occur again.  Even St. Nicholas realizes that we all fall short of
>God's glory and need his grace.  After all this gift to all of us through
>Christ is the true meaning of the season.
>
>Perhaps I'll have more on the back story on Rudolph later.
>
>Merry Christmas
>
>Bill Outman
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
>Behalf Of Brad Dunsé
>Sent: Wednesday, December 07, 2011 7:21 AM
>To: Writer's Division Mailing List
>Subject: [stylist] Christmas Assignment: Dear Mr. Claus (Slightly
>suggestive, one minor explitive)
>
>The below is lightly suggestive and one minor
>expletive, nothing horrible, but there's my
>disclaimer :). I wasn't sure what to write but
>just took this for a needed time of free-form
>idea musing. My  internet has been out for
>updating the past couple days so I might be playing catch up a bit.
>
>Dear Mr. Claus:
>
>I am writing with respect to last year's
>Christmas. It might seem a bit odd to you I am
>not writing on behalf of a trumped up gift list,
>or making plea that I've been a good boy this
>year--after all, that incident at the company
>party last month had no meaning to it whatsoever.
>Besides, it was dark in that closet, how was I
>supposed to know that wasn't my wife! Well there
>was a matter of that strange birthmark, and at
>the time I did question the size of her 
 never
>mind, that is not the issue 
 Well, OK then, her
>feet OK? I was about to say her feet! Geesh, what
>a mind you have, no wonder you've got elves
>running around up there like the Pied Piper crashing a mouse convention.
>
>Nevertheless, I am writing in advance to seek
>restitution to damages incurred last 24th of
>December. My intentions--I can assure you--are
>quite dogmatic in nature, and I intend to be
>fully compensated. I've spoken to my attorney
>regarding services rendered, if necessary, and he
>assures me that due to your jurisdiction, that
>even if you have in your possession, a Claus
>clause, because the North Pole bi-laws contains a
>few major flaws, your Claus clause will not stand
>up in the U. S. court of laws;, and might as well
>be written on a piece of gauze, and that sir,
>draws from me, a very large applause.
>
>That said please find the following complaints:
>
>1. Roof damage: Upon your kangaroo-style landing
>on our roof last year--thank you very much, you
>and your steel-railed wooden crate took out three
>roof vents, one satellite dish, and approximately
>200 square feet of roofing of which we can no
>longer match color or manufacturer; furthermore,
>shingling over the existing roof puts the load
>bearing weight over code, which will now require
>the roof to be stripped, papered, and an entire
>new roof installed. Additionally when you lit out
>of here, you snagged your sleigh runners on our
>string of decor lights of the leg-lamp chimney
>ornament and smashed it into the neighbor's
>picture window--I suspect you'll be getting a letter from him as well.
>
>2. Christmas Wreath: When you were coughing your
>way down the chimney without care, one of your
>smart alec reindeer unhitched himself, jumped
>down off the roof and ate the Pine cone
>decoration hanging off the front deck! Don't you
>feed them things? What are they goats with
>branches strapped on their heads or what? I'm not
>sure but I think it was the one pawing at his
>bubble-nose. If I didn't know better, I'd swear
>it was Jimmy Derandi reincarnated to one of your antlered goats.
>
>3. Carpet Replacement: After you plucked yourself
>from the chimney flue and doused your pretty
>little outfit with the glass of milk, putting out
>the fabric fire--I do apologize for that one; I
>probably ought have let it burn out before you
>shoved yourself down that cement straw, but
>honestly, you'd think the smoke coming out the
>top would have given you a clue? Surely, the
>coughing, hacking, and sneezing of your lead goat
>would have given some indication of a fire in the
>hole when you so elegantly performed your bounce-n-skid landing.
>
>At any rate, when you excreted yourself from the
>fire grate, you got ash and soot all over the
>carpet--stomping black footprints all the way
>over to the milk and cookies. And don't think I
>didn't see the prints headed to the fridge, a
>six-pack of beer missing, and more prints headed
>downstairs to the mother-in-law quarters; I would
>like some explanation on that one. I've been
>staving off my wife's inquiry for the past
>11-months as to why her mother suddenly took up
>the pipe and holds her belly while ho-hoing
>around the house with a grin the kids can't
>understand. Back to the carpet, the room size is
>21-by-18-feet, creamy burbur with half-inch nap,
>and none of that cheap foam underlayment padding
>either. We'd like it installed before the
>Christmas party next week if you would; were
>throwing one for the Junior Hunter Leagues
>meeting; we're lobbying for a legalized season on
>reindeer, so watch your goats old man.
>
>4. Third Party Theft: Finally, I understand your
>trepidation at the thought of jumping in that
>fire pit and blowing your nose back up the
>chimney, but you left the front door unlocked,
>and little known to you as you were hoisting your
>milk and cookie-self up the downspout to the
>roof, bending it all to hell by the way why
>didn't you just whistle one of your flying goats
>down to swoosh you back up to the roof, he didn't
>seem to have much problem floating his way down
>when helping himself to the all you can eat Pine
>cone buffet on the deck now did he? Anyway, as
>you were beating cheeks up to the roof, crumpling
>our gutter system, unknown to you were two small
>-time filchers who walked right in the door you
>left unlocked, and made off with all the stuff
>you brought. I think they were in the process of
>heisting our TV and stereo too until they heard
>the crash of the neighbors picture window you
>sent the leg lamp sailing through. They got
>scared and ran off with what they had in the car already.
>
>In summary then, please remit the below:
>
>$14,289 Roof replacement
>$2,416.48 Carpet replacement
>$835.47 Satellite dish
>$48.26 Leg Lamp, decor lights and one 50-foot extension cord
>$25.95 Pine cone wreath
>
>$17615.16 Total
>
>Oh, and when you come this year? Replenish the
>six-pack you copped off me, and hands off the mother-in-law!
>
>Happy Holidays,
>
>I. A. Grinch
>
>
>
>
>
>Brad Dunsé
>
>"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." --Oscar Wilde
>
>http://www.braddunsemusic.com
>
>http://www.facebook.com/braddunse
>
>http://www.twitter.com/braddunse
>
>
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Brad Dunsé

"Inspiration is sweating over the pen...
  then smiling at  what was written." --Capt'n Frank

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