[stylist] Christmas Assignment: Dear Mr. Claus (Slightly suggestive, one minor explitive)

[Brenda]

Hi Brad
I can't believe this hasn't been published somewhere.  I've never read 
anything like it.  I think you could have eliminated the stuff about 
Santa and the mother-inlaw and the story would have been just as good, 
but it was amusing.

I really enjoyed it.
Brenda

On 12/7/2011 7:20 AM, Brad Dunsé wrote:
> The below is lightly suggestive and one minor expletive, nothing 
> horrible, but there's my disclaimer :). I wasn't sure what to write 
> but just took this for a needed time of free-form idea musing. My  
> internet has been out for updating the past couple days so I might be 
> playing catch up a bit.
>
> Dear Mr. Claus:
>
> I am writing with respect to last year's Christmas. It might seem a 
> bit odd to you I am not writing on behalf of a trumped up gift list, 
> or making plea that I've been a good boy this year--after all, that 
> incident at the company party last month had no meaning to it 
> whatsoever. Besides, it was dark in that closet, how was I supposed to 
> know that wasn't my wife! Well there was a matter of that strange 
> birthmark, and at the time I did question the size of her ... never 
> mind, that is not the issue ... Well, OK then, her feet OK? I was 
> about to say her feet! Geesh, what a mind you have, no wonder you've 
> got elves running around up there like the Pied Piper crashing a mouse 
> convention.
>
> Nevertheless, I am writing in advance to seek restitution to damages 
> incurred last 24th of December. My intentions--I can assure you--are 
> quite dogmatic in nature, and I intend to be fully compensated. I've 
> spoken to my attorney regarding services rendered, if necessary, and 
> he assures me that due to your jurisdiction, that even if you have in 
> your possession, a Claus clause, because the North Pole bi-laws 
> contains a few major flaws, your Claus clause will not stand up in the 
> U. S. court of laws;, and might as well be written on a piece of 
> gauze, and that sir, draws from me, a very large applause.
>
> That said please find the following complaints:
>
> 1. Roof damage: Upon your kangaroo-style landing on our roof last 
> year--thank you very much, you and your steel-railed wooden crate took 
> out three roof vents, one satellite dish, and approximately 200 square 
> feet of roofing of which we can no longer match color or manufacturer; 
> furthermore, shingling over the existing roof puts the load bearing 
> weight over code, which will now require the roof to be stripped, 
> papered, and an entire new roof installed. Additionally when you lit 
> out of here, you snagged your sleigh runners on our string of decor 
> lights of the leg-lamp chimney ornament and smashed it into the 
> neighbor's picture window--I suspect you'll be getting a letter from 
> him as well.
>
> 2. Christmas Wreath: When you were coughing your way down the chimney 
> without care, one of your smart alec reindeer unhitched himself, 
> jumped down off the roof and ate the Pine cone decoration hanging off 
> the front deck! Don't you feed them things? What are they goats with 
> branches strapped on their heads or what? I'm not sure but I think it 
> was the one pawing at his bubble-nose. If I didn't know better, I'd 
> swear it was Jimmy Derandi reincarnated to one of your antlered goats.
>
> 3. Carpet Replacement: After you plucked yourself from the chimney 
> flue and doused your pretty little outfit with the glass of milk, 
> putting out the fabric fire--I do apologize for that one; I probably 
> ought have let it burn out before you shoved yourself down that cement 
> straw, but honestly, you'd think the smoke coming out the top would 
> have given you a clue? Surely, the coughing, hacking, and sneezing of 
> your lead goat would have given some indication of a fire in the hole 
> when you so elegantly performed your bounce-n-skid landing.
>
> At any rate, when you excreted yourself from the fire grate, you got 
> ash and soot all over the carpet--stomping black footprints all the 
> way over to the milk and cookies. And don't think I didn't see the 
> prints headed to the fridge, a six-pack of beer missing, and more 
> prints headed downstairs to the mother-in-law quarters; I would like 
> some explanation on that one. I've been staving off my wife's inquiry 
> for the past 11-months as to why her mother suddenly took up the pipe 
> and holds her belly while ho-hoing around the house with a grin the 
> kids can't understand. Back to the carpet, the room size is 
> 21-by-18-feet, creamy burbur with half-inch nap, and none of that 
> cheap foam underlayment padding either. We'd like it installed before 
> the Christmas party next week if you would; were throwing one for the 
> Junior Hunter Leagues meeting; we're lobbying for a legalized season 
> on reindeer, so watch your goats old man.
>
> 4. Third Party Theft: Finally, I understand your trepidation at the 
> thought of jumping in that fire pit and blowing your nose back up the 
> chimney, but you left the front door unlocked, and little known to you 
> as you were hoisting your milk and cookie-self up the downspout to the 
> roof, bending it all to hell by the way why didn't you just whistle 
> one of your flying goats down to swoosh you back up to the roof, he 
> didn't seem to have much problem floating his way down when helping 
> himself to the all you can eat Pine cone buffet on the deck now did 
> he? Anyway, as you were beating cheeks up to the roof, crumpling our 
> gutter system, unknown to you were two small -time filchers who walked 
> right in the door you left unlocked, and made off with all the stuff 
> you brought. I think they were in the process of heisting our TV and 
> stereo too until they heard the crash of the neighbors picture window 
> you sent the leg lamp sailing through. They got scared and ran off 
> with what they had in the car already.
>
> In summary then, please remit the below:
>
> $14,289 Roof replacement
> $2,416.48 Carpet replacement
> $835.47 Satellite dish
> $48.26 Leg Lamp, decor lights and one 50-foot extension cord
> $25.95 Pine cone wreath
>
> $17615.16 Total
>
> Oh, and when you come this year? Replenish the six-pack you copped off 
> me, and hands off the mother-in-law!
>
> Happy Holidays,
>
> I. A. Grinch
>
>
>
>
>
> Brad Dunsé
>
> "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." --Oscar Wilde
>
> http://www.braddunsemusic.com
>
> http://www.facebook.com/braddunse
>
> http://www.twitter.com/braddunse
>
>
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