[stylist] Christmas Assignment: Dear Mr. Claus (Slightly suggestive, one minor explitive)

Sat Dec 10 22:17:08 UTC 2011

Brenda

You're probably right on that, but I think that 
is the songwriter in me trying to reach as many 
audiences as possible in one swoop hahaha. Very 
honestly I didn't  think anything on this until I 
opened up a Word doc, wrote Dear Mr. Claus, and 
just let come out what came out, with  a couple 
grammar checks after. Glad you enjoyed it.

Brad

On 12/10/2011  02:59 PM Brenda said...
>Hi Brad
>I can't believe this hasn't been published 
>somewhere.  I've never read anything like it.  I 
>think you could have eliminated the stuff about 
>Santa and the mother-inlaw and the story would 
>have been just as good, but it was amusing.
>
>I really enjoyed it.
>Brenda
>
>On 12/7/2011 7:20 AM, Brad Dunsé wrote:
>>The below is lightly suggestive and one minor 
>>expletive, nothing horrible, but there's my 
>>disclaimer :). I wasn't sure what to write but 
>>just took this for a needed time of free-form idea musing. My
>>internet has been out for updating the past 
>>couple days so I might be playing catch up a bit.
>>
>>Dear Mr. Claus:
>>
>>I am writing with respect to last year's 
>>Christmas. It might seem a bit odd to you I am 
>>not writing on behalf of a trumped up gift 
>>list, or making plea that I've been a good boy 
>>this year--after all, that incident at the 
>>company party last month had no meaning to it 
>>whatsoever. Besides, it was dark in that 
>>closet, how was I supposed to know that wasn't 
>>my wife! Well there was a matter of that 
>>strange birthmark, and at the time I did 
>>question the size of her ... never mind, that 
>>is not the issue ... Well, OK then, her feet 
>>OK? I was about to say her feet! Geesh, what a 
>>mind you have, no wonder you've got elves 
>>running around up there like the Pied Piper crashing a mouse convention.
>>
>>Nevertheless, I am writing in advance to seek 
>>restitution to damages incurred last 24th of 
>>December. My intentions--I can assure you--are 
>>quite dogmatic in nature, and I intend to be 
>>fully compensated. I've spoken to my attorney 
>>regarding services rendered, if necessary, and 
>>he assures me that due to your jurisdiction, 
>>that even if you have in your possession, a 
>>Claus clause, because the North Pole bi-laws 
>>contains a few major flaws, your Claus clause 
>>will not stand up in the U. S. court of laws;, 
>>and might as well be written on a piece of 
>>gauze, and that sir, draws from me, a very large applause.
>>
>>That said please find the following complaints:
>>
>>1. Roof damage: Upon your kangaroo-style 
>>landing on our roof last year--thank you very 
>>much, you and your steel-railed wooden crate 
>>took out three roof vents, one satellite dish, 
>>and approximately 200 square feet of roofing of 
>>which we can no longer match color or 
>>manufacturer; furthermore, shingling over the 
>>existing roof puts the load bearing weight over 
>>code, which will now require the roof to be 
>>stripped, papered, and an entire new roof 
>>installed. Additionally when you lit out of 
>>here, you snagged your sleigh runners on our 
>>string of decor lights of the leg-lamp chimney 
>>ornament and smashed it into the neighbor's 
>>picture window--I suspect you'll be getting a letter from him as well.
>>
>>2. Christmas Wreath: When you were coughing 
>>your way down the chimney without care, one of 
>>your smart alec reindeer unhitched himself, 
>>jumped down off the roof and ate the Pine cone 
>>decoration hanging off the front deck! Don't 
>>you feed them things? What are they goats with 
>>branches strapped on their heads or what? I'm 
>>not sure but I think it was the one pawing at 
>>his bubble-nose. If I didn't know better, I'd 
>>swear it was Jimmy Derandi reincarnated to one of your antlered goats.
>>
>>3. Carpet Replacement: After you plucked 
>>yourself from the chimney flue and doused your 
>>pretty little outfit with the glass of milk, 
>>putting out the fabric fire--I do apologize for 
>>that one; I probably ought have let it burn out 
>>before you shoved yourself down that cement 
>>straw, but honestly, you'd think the smoke 
>>coming out the top would have given you a clue? 
>>Surely, the coughing, hacking, and sneezing of 
>>your lead goat would have given some indication 
>>of a fire in the hole when you so elegantly 
>>performed your bounce-n-skid landing.
>>
>>At any rate, when you excreted yourself from 
>>the fire grate, you got ash and soot all over 
>>the carpet--stomping black footprints all the 
>>way over to the milk and cookies. And don't 
>>think I didn't see the prints headed to the 
>>fridge, a six-pack of beer missing, and more 
>>prints headed downstairs to the mother-in-law 
>>quarters; I would like some explanation on that 
>>one. I've been staving off my wife's inquiry 
>>for the past 11-months as to why her mother 
>>suddenly took up the pipe and holds her belly 
>>while ho-hoing around the house with a grin the 
>>kids can't understand. Back to the carpet, the 
>>room size is 21-by-18-feet, creamy burbur with 
>>half-inch nap, and none of that cheap foam 
>>underlayment padding either. We'd like it 
>>installed before the Christmas party next week 
>>if you would; were throwing one for the Junior 
>>Hunter Leagues meeting; we're lobbying for a 
>>legalized season on reindeer, so watch your goats old man.
>>
>>4. Third Party Theft: Finally, I understand 
>>your trepidation at the thought of jumping in 
>>that fire pit and blowing your nose back up the 
>>chimney, but you left the front door unlocked, 
>>and little known to you as you were hoisting 
>>your milk and cookie-self up the downspout to 
>>the roof, bending it all to hell by the way why 
>>didn't you just whistle one of your flying 
>>goats down to swoosh you back up to the roof, 
>>he didn't seem to have much problem floating 
>>his way down when helping himself to the all 
>>you can eat Pine cone buffet on the deck now 
>>did he? Anyway, as you were beating cheeks up 
>>to the roof, crumpling our gutter system, 
>>unknown to you were two small -time filchers 
>>who walked right in the door you left unlocked, 
>>and made off with all the stuff you brought. I 
>>think they were in the process of heisting our 
>>TV and stereo too until they heard the crash of 
>>the neighbors picture window you sent the leg 
>>lamp sailing through. They got scared and ran 
>>off with what they had in the car already.
>>
>>In summary then, please remit the below:
>>
>>$14,289 Roof replacement
>>$2,416.48 Carpet replacement
>>$835.47 Satellite dish
>>$48.26 Leg Lamp, decor lights and one 50-foot extension cord
>>$25.95 Pine cone wreath
>>
>>$17615.16 Total
>>
>>Oh, and when you come this year? Replenish the 
>>six-pack you copped off me, and hands off the mother-in-law!
>>
>>Happy Holidays,
>>
>>I. A. Grinch
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Brad Dunsé
>>
>>"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." --Oscar Wilde
>>
>>http://www.braddunsemusic.com
>>
>>http://www.facebook.com/braddunse
>>
>>http://www.twitter.com/braddunse
>>
>>
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Brad Dunsé

"Learn from others' mistakes... you just don't 
have enough time to make them all yourself." --Unknown

http://www.braddunsemusic.com

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