[stylist] Holiday exercise: Tattered Remains of Christmas, fiction, language & strong content

[Brad Dunsé]

Bridgit,

You've got some wonderful descriptions here, 
stuff like  the Christmas tree resembling the 
homeless man crouching in the alley on Fourth 
Street, a very real touchable analogy, I really 
liked that.  You got me wondering exactly what 
happened that this holiday became such a 
disaster. Didn't he buy her the right present? 
lol Just kidding. I was surprised for some reason 
that it was  the guy who was the weaker 
person  narrirating. She really clocked him lol. 
Maybe it was the language or what I interpret as 
femininity of the narrative that made me assume 
it was a woman telling it. I'm not sure though 
the  use of the 10 dollar words at times helps 
the general readability or adds to the story. 
I  know writing economically is important. Just 
like in songwriting there are those that 
adimately oppose to seeing the words just, and, 
or maybe  you know; and yet at times if omitted, 
the piece becomes unconversational, 
stuttered,  or unnatural   to the story or 
flow.   That is how it seemed to me, a bit 
lacking a natural flow, it gave impression of 
machine gunning related phrases, but disconnected 
from each other at the same time--as descriptive 
as they were--rather than someone telling me 
their story in a talking voice. I was a bit lost 
at first of why this person was bleeding and 
exactly what was going on,  Perhaps some earlier 
clue of what happened without giving away the 
store right off. You painted a detailed image of 
a trashed Christmas living room  pretty darn 
good  over all and I could definitely feel the 
slivers of glass on the bottom of my feet. I 
loved the last line: "I add my shattered life to 
the wreckage ornamenting the room." If I were the 
guy saying it though I'd probably not say 
"ornamenting" which is what I mean about a male 
narrative, similare would be 
"rivulet,Capitulating, and 'Victorian ballerinas 
pirouette around ...'". This is a violent scene 
which I believe he was the aggressor, making the 
gash on her cheek and she, with her survival 
instincts clocked him good. I think 
the  aggressiveness  and maleness might need to 
be represented by his use of language telling the 
story.  Stuff like the "dog's piss, feeling in my 
gut," and  those kinds of use  of words do a 
better job of  representing   a male perspective. 
A sad scene though which did bring out emotion 
which is what we writers are meant to do.


Brad Dunsé

"To rise with the sun is human, but to dance with 
the moon is divine." --The Night Owl's Motto

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