[stylist] Holiday exercise: Comments on comments for Tattered Remains of Christmas

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Brad, Chris and others,

Thanks for the comments. Not sure why such a depressing story came to
mind, but I had it brewing in my mind all day before actually sitting
down to write it.

One of the purposes for critiquing is to learn how others interpret a
story so a writer knows if they accomplished what they want, and where
to add, cut or amplify. I would, however, like to just point out two
things.

First, the language and phrasing is not typical of a male narrator,
though I think this is gender stereotyping, smile. One of my favorite
authors is Neil Gaimon, as previously mentioned. He can affect this
lyrical voice at times, which is one of the reasons I love him. Along
with working under published professors, I also worked alongside male
writers during college who wrote in a similar fashion , which is a
specific style usually called lyrical, or poetic. There's a lot of
emphasis on imagery and metaphor instead of traditional, straight
descriptions, hence the reason this style is often described as poetic.
I don't know if I would call the descriptions "stunted," Brad, but
instead of supplying a traditional description, I like to work with
using imagery and metaphor to describe things. Instead of saying, the
sun sunk low in the sky, you could say, red, amber and pink shafts
painted the horizon as the sun melted, molding together with the
landscape. Not the greatest example, but there you go, grin.

Second, it was very intentional that it not be clear that the narrator
is male. I wanted the reader to "see" inside the head of an abusive
person, but not know immediately gender, or even if the narrator was the
abused or the abuser. I wanted it to be clear by the end, but to make a
point, I didn't mean for it to be clear in the beginning. Not that I'm
saying abusive people should be pitied, but like Chris, I like to
explore the good and bad all humans are capable of. Who would think an
abusive person can have a loving and tender side? Who knew you could
feel sympathy for a person who abuses their wife? Voice, tone and POV
were all very intentional.

I would like to point out the use of "million dollar words," or lack
thereof in a story. Diction is very important and you must know how to
best wield word choice in a story. Just because you may speak a certain
way doesn't mean each story you write use similar language. It all
depends on setting, character, style and tone. A friend was working on a
story about teens who were in a street gang, among other things. They
had great descriptions and scenes providing rich characterization, but
in the narration of the story, they used words and phrasing contrasting
the life of the characters. Now, this kind of contrasting could work for
such a story, but it wasn't the intention of the writer to do this. They
wanted the narrative flow to match throughout the story. You can't place
just any word wherever you want; it must be well-thought out and
intentional. Just as dialogue can't be used to just fill space, it must
work to either drive the plot along or provide characterization, word
choice must be done similarly. Using "big" words don't necessarily add
to a description or story, if not used in the proper context, it
actually can be clunky and cumbersome. It also depends on your target
audience. People don't want to read material they don't understand. This
all must be considered when drafting a story and selecting word choice.

I do appreciate your comments, and they are helpful should I develop
this exercise more. I like the honest feedback.

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
 
"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan

Message: 8
Date: Mon, 12 Dec 2011 06:13:47 -0600
From: Brad Duns? <lists at braddunsemusic.com>
To: Writer's Division Mailing List <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [stylist] Holiday exercise: Tattered Remains of
	Christmas, fiction, language & strong content
Message-ID: <7.0.1.0.2.20111211214341.05419b08 at braddunsemusic.com>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"; format=flowed

Bridgit,

You've got some wonderful descriptions here, 
stuff like  the Christmas tree resembling the 
homeless man crouching in the alley on Fourth 
Street, a very real touchable analogy, I really 
liked that.  You got me wondering exactly what 
happened that this holiday became such a 
disaster. Didn't he buy her the right present? 
lol Just kidding. I was surprised for some reason 
that it was  the guy who was the weaker 
person  narrirating. She really clocked him lol. 
Maybe it was the language or what I interpret as 
femininity of the narrative that made me assume 
it was a woman telling it. I'm not sure though 
the  use of the 10 dollar words at times helps 
the general readability or adds to the story. 
I  know writing economically is important. Just 
like in songwriting there are those that 
adimately oppose to seeing the words just, and, 
or maybe  you know; and yet at times if omitted, 
the piece becomes unconversational, 
stuttered,  or unnatural   to the story or 
flow.   That is how it seemed to me, a bit 
lacking a natural flow, it gave impression of 
machine gunning related phrases, but disconnected 
from each other at the same time--as descriptive 
as they were--rather than someone telling me 
their story in a talking voice. I was a bit lost 
at first of why this person was bleeding and 
exactly what was going on,  Perhaps some earlier 
clue of what happened without giving away the 
store right off. You painted a detailed image of 
a trashed Christmas living room  pretty darn 
good  over all and I could definitely feel the 
slivers of glass on the bottom of my feet. I 
loved the last line: "I add my shattered life to 
the wreckage ornamenting the room." If I were the 
guy saying it though I'd probably not say 
"ornamenting" which is what I mean about a male 
narrative, similare would be 
"rivulet,Capitulating, and 'Victorian ballerinas 
pirouette around ...'". This is a violent scene 
which I believe he was the aggressor, making the 
gash on her cheek and she, with her survival 
instincts clocked him good. I think 
the  aggressiveness  and maleness might need to 
be represented by his use of language telling the 
story.  Stuff like the "dog's piss, feeling in my 
gut," and  those kinds of use  of words do a 
better job of  representing   a male perspective. 
A sad scene though which did bring out emotion 
which is what we writers are meant to do.


Brad Duns?

"To rise with the sun is human, but to dance with 
the moon is divine." --The Night Owl's Motto
Message: 14
Date: Mon, 12 Dec 2011 11:14:26 -0500
From: "Chris Kuell" <ckuell at comcast.net>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [stylist] Tattered Remains of Christmas
Message-ID: <76739D1DA1264337A26F597C9A8DC27F at ChrisPC>
Content-Type: text/plain; format=flowed; charset="iso-8859-1";
	reply-type=original

Bridgit,

I think Eve and I have to bow down before you and hand over the 
bummer-Christmas-story crown. You are our Queen!

Seriously, this was an emotionally charged story that packs a powerful 
punch, if you'll pardon the expression. Your use of imagery and emotion
is 
incredible--there's definitely a poet living inside you. I loved the
colored 
broken   pieces of glass, the silence pushing against the walls, and 
especially the Christmas tree broken and bent like a homeless man--very 
powerful stuff. It's not a happy story, but it's going to stick with me
all 
day, which is the sign of a good story. After all, as writers we want to

make people feel something.

As for editorial suggestions, I have a few. Firstly, as I was reading in
the 
beginning I assumed the narrator was a woman. Maybe this is because you
are, 
or the word choices made me feel that way, but I was a little surprised
to 
find out the narrator was the husband. One suggestion might be to add 
something--my big hands, my size elevens crunching on the broken
ornament, 
blood running into the stubble on my face--something earlier on to clue
the 
reader in.

My second suggestion would be to do some trimming. Your many turns of
phrase 
are excellent, it's not that, but as readers, we get it. I'm probably
overly 
sparse in my writing, and in this sample I think you're a little bit
heavy. 
Over-writing is something writers sometime fall into when they are
uncertain 
if the reader really feels what the writer wants them to feel. You
achieved 
the emotional impact, and I think you could cut a little and the piece
might 
even hit harder.

My final thought is--if you did this in between baby-sitting and baking
and 
general holiday preparations, imagine what you could do if you sat down
and 
devoted your full attention to it!

Great job, and thanks for sharing.

Chris