[stylist] Holiday exercise: Comments on comments for Tattered Remains of Christmas

Tue Dec 13 00:05:27 UTC 2011

Bridgit,

If you were shooting for a more poetic or lyrical 
style of writing on this, then you definitely met 
your goal. Congrats.  I tend to like the more 
conversational style  myself such as Grisham, 
Sparks, etc. Not as cryptic, but that is just my 
preference to sit down and read at a faster pace. 
Reading line-by-line to take in the use of 
adjectives and ten dollar words--not ten million 
by the way , there's a few more zeros in that 
one-- ;), is OK  in a different style of reading 
such as poetry or lyrics. I do also prefer if a 
dude is talkking, then he talks dude :).I 
wouldn't call that gender stereotyping. It's hard 
not to call a dog a dog especially when he's 
lifting his leg on the lamp pole, it is what it 
is and using a different language style isn't 
going to change it much. Again just my opinion 
and preference but in the middle of a hostile 
scene doesn't seem the time to wax poetic, but 
hey, there's  musicals out there where actors 
will break into song in the midst of a dilemma 
and though we don't see that in real life people 
absolutely love it, it's just not my preference, 
and life would certainly be boring if all 
artistic creations were. You have some really 
nice   elements  regardless of the 
style  preference  differences and I did 
appreciate it for that for sure especially for a 
multi-tasking write. As I always  say on evals, 
it is just one person's opinion, balance it out 
with the masses and  either tuck it or chuck it :).

Brad

On 12/12/2011  04:22 PM Bridgit Pollpeter said...
>Brad, Chris and others,
>
>Thanks for the comments. Not sure why such a depressing story came to
>mind, but I had it brewing in my mind all day before actually sitting
>down to write it.
>
>One of the purposes for critiquing is to learn how others interpret a
>story so a writer knows if they accomplished what they want, and where
>to add, cut or amplify. I would, however, like to just point out two
>things.
>
>First, the language and phrasing is not typical of a male narrator,
>though I think this is gender stereotyping, smile. One of my favorite
>authors is Neil Gaimon, as previously mentioned. He can affect this
>lyrical voice at times, which is one of the reasons I love him. Along
>with working under published professors, I also worked alongside male
>writers during college who wrote in a similar fashion , which is a
>specific style usually called lyrical, or poetic. There's a lot of
>emphasis on imagery and metaphor instead of traditional, straight
>descriptions, hence the reason this style is often described as poetic.
>I don't know if I would call the descriptions "stunted," Brad, but
>instead of supplying a traditional description, I like to work with
>using imagery and metaphor to describe things. Instead of saying, the
>sun sunk low in the sky, you could say, red, amber and pink shafts
>painted the horizon as the sun melted, molding together with the
>landscape. Not the greatest example, but there you go, grin.
>
>Second, it was very intentional that it not be clear that the narrator
>is male. I wanted the reader to "see" inside the head of an abusive
>person, but not know immediately gender, or even if the narrator was the
>abused or the abuser. I wanted it to be clear by the end, but to make a
>point, I didn't mean for it to be clear in the beginning. Not that I'm
>saying abusive people should be pitied, but like Chris, I like to
>explore the good and bad all humans are capable of. Who would think an
>abusive person can have a loving and tender side? Who knew you could
>feel sympathy for a person who abuses their wife? Voice, tone and POV
>were all very intentional.
>
>I would like to point out the use of "million dollar words," or lack
>thereof in a story. Diction is very important and you must know how to
>best wield word choice in a story. Just because you may speak a certain
>way doesn't mean each story you write use similar language. It all
>depends on setting, character, style and tone. A friend was working on a
>story about teens who were in a street gang, among other things. They
>had great descriptions and scenes providing rich characterization, but
>in the narration of the story, they used words and phrasing contrasting
>the life of the characters. Now, this kind of contrasting could work for
>such a story, but it wasn't the intention of the writer to do this. They
>wanted the narrative flow to match throughout the story. You can't place
>just any word wherever you want; it must be well-thought out and
>intentional. Just as dialogue can't be used to just fill space, it must
>work to either drive the plot along or provide characterization, word
>choice must be done similarly. Using "big" words don't necessarily add
>to a description or story, if not used in the proper context, it
>actually can be clunky and cumbersome. It also depends on your target
>audience. People don't want to read material they don't understand. This
>all must be considered when drafting a story and selecting word choice.
>
>I do appreciate your comments, and they are helpful should I develop
>this exercise more. I like the honest feedback.
>
>Sincerely,
>Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
>Read my blog at:
>http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
>
>"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
>The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan
>
>Message: 8
>Date: Mon, 12 Dec 2011 06:13:47 -0600
>From: Brad Duns? <lists at braddunsemusic.com>
>To: Writer's Division Mailing List <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>Subject: Re: [stylist] Holiday exercise: Tattered Remains of
>         Christmas, fiction, language & strong content
>Message-ID: <7.0.1.0.2.20111211214341.05419b08 at braddunsemusic.com>
>Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"; format=flowed
>
>Bridgit,
>
>You've got some wonderful descriptions here,
>stuff like  the Christmas tree resembling the
>homeless man crouching in the alley on Fourth
>Street, a very real touchable analogy, I really
>liked that.  You got me wondering exactly what
>happened that this holiday became such a
>disaster. Didn't he buy her the right present?
>lol Just kidding. I was surprised for some reason
>that it was  the guy who was the weaker
>person  narrirating. She really clocked him lol.
>Maybe it was the language or what I interpret as
>femininity of the narrative that made me assume
>it was a woman telling it. I'm not sure though
>the  use of the 10 dollar words at times helps
>the general readability or adds to the story.
>I  know writing economically is important. Just
>like in songwriting there are those that
>adimately oppose to seeing the words just, and,
>or maybe  you know; and yet at times if omitted,
>the piece becomes unconversational,
>stuttered,  or unnatural   to the story or
>flow.   That is how it seemed to me, a bit
>lacking a natural flow, it gave impression of
>machine gunning related phrases, but disconnected
>from each other at the same time--as descriptive
>as they were--rather than someone telling me
>their story in a talking voice. I was a bit lost
>at first of why this person was bleeding and
>exactly what was going on,  Perhaps some earlier
>clue of what happened without giving away the
>store right off. You painted a detailed image of
>a trashed Christmas living room  pretty darn
>good  over all and I could definitely feel the
>slivers of glass on the bottom of my feet. I
>loved the last line: "I add my shattered life to
>the wreckage ornamenting the room." If I were the
>guy saying it though I'd probably not say
>"ornamenting" which is what I mean about a male
>narrative, similare would be
>"rivulet,Capitulating, and 'Victorian ballerinas
>pirouette around ...'". This is a violent scene
>which I believe he was the aggressor, making the
>gash on her cheek and she, with her survival
>instincts clocked him good. I think
>the  aggressiveness  and maleness might need to
>be represented by his use of language telling the
>story.  Stuff like the "dog's piss, feeling in my
>gut," and  those kinds of use  of words do a
>better job of  representing   a male perspective.
>A sad scene though which did bring out emotion
>which is what we writers are meant to do.
>
>
>Brad Duns?
>
>"To rise with the sun is human, but to dance with
>the moon is divine." --The Night Owl's Motto
>Message: 14
>Date: Mon, 12 Dec 2011 11:14:26 -0500
>From: "Chris Kuell" <ckuell at comcast.net>
>To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>Subject: Re: [stylist] Tattered Remains of Christmas
>Message-ID: <76739D1DA1264337A26F597C9A8DC27F at ChrisPC>
>Content-Type: text/plain; format=flowed; charset="iso-8859-1";
>         reply-type=original
>
>Bridgit,
>
>I think Eve and I have to bow down before you and hand over the
>bummer-Christmas-story crown. You are our Queen!
>
>Seriously, this was an emotionally charged story that packs a powerful
>punch, if you'll pardon the expression. Your use of imagery and emotion
>is
>incredible--there's definitely a poet living inside you. I loved the
>colored
>broken   pieces of glass, the silence pushing against the walls, and
>especially the Christmas tree broken and bent like a homeless man--very
>powerful stuff. It's not a happy story, but it's going to stick with me
>all
>day, which is the sign of a good story. After all, as writers we want to
>
>make people feel something.
>
>As for editorial suggestions, I have a few. Firstly, as I was reading in
>the
>beginning I assumed the narrator was a woman. Maybe this is because you
>are,
>or the word choices made me feel that way, but I was a little surprised
>to
>find out the narrator was the husband. One suggestion might be to add
>something--my big hands, my size elevens crunching on the broken
>ornament,
>blood running into the stubble on my face--something earlier on to clue
>the
>reader in.
>
>My second suggestion would be to do some trimming. Your many turns of
>phrase
>are excellent, it's not that, but as readers, we get it. I'm probably
>overly
>sparse in my writing, and in this sample I think you're a little bit
>heavy.
>Over-writing is something writers sometime fall into when they are
>uncertain
>if the reader really feels what the writer wants them to feel. You
>achieved
>the emotional impact, and I think you could cut a little and the piece
>might
>even hit harder.
>
>My final thought is--if you did this in between baby-sitting and baking
>and
>general holiday preparations, imagine what you could do if you sat down
>and
>devoted your full attention to it!
>
>Great job, and thanks for sharing.
>
>Chris
>
>
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Brad Dunsé

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