[stylist] Revised: The Christmas Bazaar Monologue

[Donna Hill]

Hi Chris,
Thanks for the feedback and encouragement. All of my lists are slow, so  I
think that's the issue. I didn't want to wait till after the holidays simply
because I thought the story might have more appeal during the season. 

I'll have to go looking for the exclamation points. This was originally
written several years ago and I suppose I thought being in the first person
that the normal cautions about them didn't apply so much. As for the end
being abrupt, I had chopped off the last paragraph because you and others
thought that it should end closer to the  "aha" moment. I've definitely
struggled with it. I almost ended it even sooner, but kept being drawn back
to the paragraph I ended with in this version. I'm liking your idea about an
aside to the reader to signal the end.
Donna


-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Chris Kuell
Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2011 9:58 AM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] Revised: The Christmas Bazaar Monologue

Hey Donna,

I like the changes you've made to this piece. I'm not sure why you aren't 
getting more commentary, but perhaps people are caught up in pre-holiday 
festivities, and this isn't particularly a good week for feedback. I do have

2 additional comments myself. Firstly, as Elmore Leonard wrote once--easy on

the exclamation points! To me, they lose their punch when used often, and 
they are also the sign of a writer who isn't sure her writing is good enough

so she uses them to prop up excitement. Your writing is plenty good enough, 
and IMO, you don't need but one or two exclamation points. Secondly, the 
ending is fairly abrupt. To me, the monologue just kind of stopped. 
Unfortunately, I don't really have a suggestion for a fix. Perhaps you 
should see what others have to say. But you might consider adding another 
comment to her granddaughter, or to her friend--Can I pour you more 
coffee? - as a way of signaling the end.

Nice work, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your writing next 
year.

chris
 


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