[stylist] Mother's Day Poem feedback

Fri Dec 23 02:25:39 UTC 2011

Donna,

Evidently the formatting got messed up in email 
:);. Indeed it was meant to be like:

>"Mother Eagle builds a home from a twig tangled nest
>Shelters her baby’s 
 denies her own rest
>Protects them from danger when it lurks in their midst
>Risking her own life ‘til the threat is dismissed
>...and so on 'grin'. I probably ought just send 
>a .doc attachment next time as well.

Indeed  I  included it in a Mother's Day card, 
she has it hanging in the house :). I wasn't sure 
on the "til" or "'til" bit  so you helped me out 
on that too. Thanks for the feedback. I don't do 
poetry either really. Mine is more of a muttled song lyric haha.

Brad

On 12/22/2011  04:07 PM Donna Hill said...
>Hi Brad,
>First, what a wonderful gift to your own mother this is! I like the imagery,
>especially "eaglet cherubim." I think it's particularly significant that you
>feel secure enough as a man to write the final line.
>
>As for any critique, beyond song lyrics and haiku, I'm not much of a writer
>of poetry, and modern conventions elude me. One comment is that I had a hard
>time reading this with Jaws Say all, and I found line by line to be
>necessary to really absorb it. I would appreciate a little more punctuation,
>especially at those points where you capitalize the next word. I'm guessing
>that the formatting is a bit different in e-mail than you intended, and that
>there are supposed to be line breaks. Even so, though, I'd like some commas.
>For example:
>"Mother Eagle builds a home from a twig tangled nest Shelters her baby’s 

>denies her own rest Protects them from danger when it lurks in their midst
>Risking her own life ‘til the threat is dismissed When danger has past, only
>then she'll uncover Her babies' protection from the wings of a mother"
>
>Might be:
>Mother Eagle builds a home from a twig tangled nest, Shelters her baby’s 

>denies her own rest, Protects them from danger when it lurks in their midst,
>Risking her own life ‘til the threat is dismissed, When danger has past,
>only then she'll uncover Her babies' protection from the wings of a mother.
>
>
>I think there used to be a rule about not capitalizing the first word on a
>new line if there wasn't some sort of stop at the end of the previous line,
>but all of that is probably out the window.
>
>The other thing I'm thinking is about "'til." Jaws is saying "apostrophe
>til" as I read your poem, though here in my response, the apostrophe is
>silent. According to Dictionary.com, "till" t-i-l-l is considered an
>acceptable substitute for "until." I suppose the sighted reader wouldn't
>care one way or the other, but I find in my own writing that the way Jaws
>reads something is the acid test. Just some thoughts. Good job, and I do
>hope you shared this with your mother.
>Donna
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
>Behalf Of Brad Dunsé
>Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2011 10:49 AM
>To: Writer's Division Mailing List
>Subject: [stylist] Mother's Day Poem feedback
>
>
>Lori's email forward on poetry, reminded me of a
>Mother's Day poem I wrote a while back now, not
>that I'll enter it now, perhaps something down
>the road if not too cheesy a sing-song poem.  Her
>post just made me think  of it and thought to
>toss it out for comments. If I don't get back
>to  thanking or answering anything  in
>your  comments right off, dont' fret, I
>eventually will. Pasted below. If you need an
>attachment let me know.  Rated G.
>
>
>Wings of a Mother
>
>Mother Eagle builds a home from a twig tangled nest
>Shelters her baby’s 
 denies her own rest
>Protects them from danger when it lurks in their midst
>Risking her own life ‘til the threat is dismissed
>When danger has past, only then she'll uncover
>Her babies' protection from the wings of a mother
>
>She grooms their survival with maturing of feathers
>Each day more slack in their invisible tether
>Soon they’ll climb up on the nests’ narrow rim
>Spread out their wings behold 
an Eaglet cherubim
>She'll teach them to fly, they'll flit and they'll flutter
>‘Neath guided directions of the wings of a Mother
>
>One day she’ll notice they’re dressed in full plume
>The next day her nest echoes with plenty of room
>Across the thick trees, some distance from home
>She’ll watch as more twigs twist into a throne
>With pride and raised feathers, she will discover
>The tireless success of the wings of a Mother
>
>With love and respect, and pride like no other
>I still find comfort under the wings of you Mother
>
>
>©2008 Brad Dunse
>
>
>
>Brad Dunsé
>
>"A bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the
>bone shared with the dog, when you are just as
>hungry as the dog." --Jack London
>
>http://www.braddunsemusic.com
>
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Brad Dunsé

"The key to change is to let go of fear." --Roseanne Cash

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