[stylist] Mother's Day Poem feedback

Thu Dec 22 22:07:51 UTC 2011

Hi Brad,
First, what a wonderful gift to your own mother this is! I like the imagery,
especially "eaglet cherubim." I think it's particularly significant that you
feel secure enough as a man to write the final line.

As for any critique, beyond song lyrics and haiku, I'm not much of a writer
of poetry, and modern conventions elude me. One comment is that I had a hard
time reading this with Jaws Say all, and I found line by line to be
necessary to really absorb it. I would appreciate a little more punctuation,
especially at those points where you capitalize the next word. I'm guessing
that the formatting is a bit different in e-mail than you intended, and that
there are supposed to be line breaks. Even so, though, I'd like some commas.
For example:
"Mother Eagle builds a home from a twig tangled nest Shelters her baby’s 

denies her own rest Protects them from danger when it lurks in their midst
Risking her own life ‘til the threat is dismissed When danger has past, only
then she'll uncover Her babies' protection from the wings of a mother"

Might be:
Mother Eagle builds a home from a twig tangled nest, Shelters her baby’s 

denies her own rest, Protects them from danger when it lurks in their midst,
Risking her own life ‘til the threat is dismissed, When danger has past,
only then she'll uncover Her babies' protection from the wings of a mother.

I think there used to be a rule about not capitalizing the first word on a
new line if there wasn't some sort of stop at the end of the previous line,
but all of that is probably out the window. 

The other thing I'm thinking is about "'til." Jaws is saying "apostrophe
til" as I read your poem, though here in my response, the apostrophe is
silent. According to Dictionary.com, "till" t-i-l-l is considered an
acceptable substitute for "until." I suppose the sighted reader wouldn't
care one way or the other, but I find in my own writing that the way Jaws
reads something is the acid test. Just some thoughts. Good job, and I do
hope you shared this with your mother.
Donna

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Brad Dunsé
Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2011 10:49 AM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: [stylist] Mother's Day Poem feedback

Lori's email forward on poetry, reminded me of a 
Mother's Day poem I wrote a while back now, not 
that I'll enter it now, perhaps something down 
the road if not too cheesy a sing-song poem.  Her 
post just made me think  of it and thought to 
toss it out for comments. If I don't get back 
to  thanking or answering anything  in 
your  comments right off, dont' fret, I 
eventually will. Pasted below. If you need an 
attachment let me know.  Rated G.

Wings of a Mother

Mother Eagle builds a home from a twig tangled nest
Shelters her baby’s 
 denies her own rest
Protects them from danger when it lurks in their midst
Risking her own life ‘til the threat is dismissed
When danger has past, only then she'll uncover
Her babies' protection from the wings of a mother

She grooms their survival with maturing of feathers
Each day more slack in their invisible tether
Soon they’ll climb up on the nests’ narrow rim
Spread out their wings behold 
an Eaglet cherubim
She'll teach them to fly, they'll flit and they'll flutter
‘Neath guided directions of the wings of a Mother

One day she’ll notice they’re dressed in full plume
The next day her nest echoes with plenty of room
Across the thick trees, some distance from home
She’ll watch as more twigs twist into a throne
With pride and raised feathers, she will discover
The tireless success of the wings of a Mother

With love and respect, and pride like no other
I still find comfort under the wings of you Mother

©2008 Brad Dunse

Brad Dunsé

"A bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the 
bone shared with the dog, when you are just as 
hungry as the dog." --Jack London

http://www.braddunsemusic.com

http://www.facebook.com/braddunse

http://www.twitter.com/braddunse
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