[stylist] Writing sample

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Joe,

I don't know, I know I commented on the narrator/character situation
before, but I kind of like the contrast.  It makes for an interesting
story.  It is different.

Don't know where the story is going or what your intention is with it,
but what if one of the characters is the narrator and later we learn
they grew up and went to college and are successful now?  That would
allow for a different voice with the narrator.  This sounds generic, but
something along these lines.

Or maybe, the narrator just speaks that way.  Either way, it makes for
an interesting contrast.

Plan to include hoodies in your story?  *smile*

Bridgit

Message: 5
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2011 11:46:23 -0500
From: "Joe Orozco" <jsorozco at gmail.com>
To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [stylist] Writing sample
Message-ID: <D351D392061A493384F022FDDA7D1953 at Rufus>
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Ah, that blasted balance between narrator and the characters.  It's my
biggest weakness!  Thanks as always for your excellent feedback.

Joe

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their
sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."--Sam
Ewing -----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Bridgit Pollpeter
Sent: Tuesday, February 15, 2011 3:51 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] Writing sample

Joe,

I skimmed this a couple of times, and I like where you are going.  The
characters do get a little confusing at times, and I'm not sure who the
main character is yet.  Good beginning though.

Who is the narrator?  The dialogue is great and realistic, but your
narration is different.  I think I like this contrast, but it also
depends on what your tone and voice are suppose to be.

The action is a little slow.  Maybe try to make it more immediate.  I
have found shorter, concise sentences, and even choppy sentences, help
liven action up and make the scene more immediate for the reader.

Also, try less exposition and put us in the moment more.  Don't always
describe what the characters are doing, but show them doing the
movement.

It will be interesting to see more of this and learn what the focus is.
As always, you have a strong start.

Bridgit