[stylist] Story of hoodlums

[James H. "Jim" Canaday M.A. N6YR]

p.s. I did try to emphasize not exactly the opulence but the power of 
Joab St. Brendan by how he ordered that the uniform be cleaned 
in  his hotel.  and later the reference to the cigars.

easily this could've been a 1250-word story.
jc

At 03:19 PM 1/9/2011, you wrote:
>I like the imagery, really find places to work this in.  I like that you
>give us a strong image of the fog right out the door.
>
>Good characterization.  Try to "show" more in the narration.  For
>example, "He was desperately trying to avoid their attention."  Find a
>way to display his actions rather than explain what he is doing.  This
>will place is in the moment with the character instead of being just an
>observer.
>
>Same thing when Sean interuppts the party with the business men.
>Describe what is happening, paint a picture rather than just tell us.
>It would be powerful to see the contrrast of Sean's dirty attire and the
>opulence of the four men.
>
>When Brendan shouts for Sean to come back, it would be really great to
>have a developed scene as Brendan remembers his past.  Again, it places
>reader into the moment.
>
>This exercise had my attention from the beginning.  Very good for just
>an exercise.  Nice characterization along with description.
>
>Bridgit
>
>
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