[stylist] Story of hoodlums

[James H. "Jim" Canaday M.A. N6YR]

Bridgit,
thank you very much.  I do know the value of showing instead of 
telling.  as I noted, this was already 728 words.  I worked over the 
scene by the braggadocious hoodlums show vs tell.  whatever I could 
come up with was going to add more words it seemed.  I did wish for 
more show for such a strong emotion as fear, but tried with the "bit 
his lip" and "seely" in his green eyes as he persisted.
Sean's interruption is described, just the description is across 
three places including at the end.   as to the in laid  floor and the 
mud, etc., again I felt I could've shown better but would have meant 
more words.  I thought generally these exercises should be in the 
500-words length and I was already well over that.
I seem to have a congenital problem with writing anything 500-words 
or shorter, lol!

thank you for your criticism.  and I did rather like how I started the story.

in answer to your previous post: we need to use common 
style/display/formatting instead of specializing for our own use.  my 
point was that as a reader a small transition such as "at police 
headquarters"  ... but then it sounds like we're back in 1900's san 
francisco again, lol!
just a small transitional phrase helps, I think.

thanks Bridgit.
jc

At 03:19 PM 1/9/2011, you wrote:
>I like the imagery, really find places to work this in.  I like that you
>give us a strong image of the fog right out the door.
>
>Good characterization.  Try to "show" more in the narration.  For
>example, "He was desperately trying to avoid their attention."  Find a
>way to display his actions rather than explain what he is doing.  This
>will place is in the moment with the character instead of being just an
>observer.
>
>Same thing when Sean interuppts the party with the business men.
>Describe what is happening, paint a picture rather than just tell us.
>It would be powerful to see the contrrast of Sean's dirty attire and the
>opulence of the four men.
>
>When Brendan shouts for Sean to come back, it would be really great to
>have a developed scene as Brendan remembers his past.  Again, it places
>reader into the moment.
>
>This exercise had my attention from the beginning.  Very good for just
>an exercise.  Nice characterization along with description.
>
>Bridgit
>
>
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