[stylist] Story of hoodlums

[James H. "Jim" Canaday M.A. N6YR]

yes, that was what I was asking about.  that's a good suggestion.
my first phrase there was actually "knob hill swell" but changed to 
"dandy" because thought some might not know the antiquated meaning of 
"swell."

thank you.  I have studied some writers who are good at imagery and 
clear concise imagery really matters.
yes, this could've been a longer story, I saw at least three ways 
this could have become a lengthy short story.
thanks for the feedback Bridgit.
jc

At 01:17 PM 1/10/2011, you wrote:
>You have a great mood established.  Maybe concentrate on more action.
>The pacing moves quickly in the beginning with Sean running into
>danger--maybe keep this pacing through the entire piece, though it isn't
>bad as is.
>
>Don't bog the narrative down with mentioning proper names too much.  A
>lot of the time, you can replace names with he or him without confusing
>reader.
>
>I don't like to rewrite sentences, but one line keeps jumping out at me.
>"But as he heard himself shout this, he heard it shouted in his own face
>twenty-six years before with a stab in his heart."  The way this reads
>is that Brendan was literally stabbed in the heart while being shouted
>at.  The sentence is a little mucky too.  Maybe try something like,
>"With a jolt to his heart, he remembered twenty-six years ago when a
>Knob Hill dandy shouted the same words, looking down his nose at a
>smudged face, street-tough Joey Brandon."  Also, if you state his name
>in this sentence, not necessary to repeat it in the following narration.
>
>Watch for clear, precise language with each sentence, but you have a
>knack for the time period.  Stick to clear images too because I notice
>this as a strong suit for you.  Over all, this little exercise is good
>and has potential for something bigger.
>
>Bridgit
>
>
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