[stylist] Story of hoodlums

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

You have a great mood established.  Maybe concentrate on more action.
The pacing moves quickly in the beginning with Sean running into
danger--maybe keep this pacing through the entire piece, though it isn't
bad as is.

Don't bog the narrative down with mentioning proper names too much.  A
lot of the time, you can replace names with he or him without confusing
reader.

I don't like to rewrite sentences, but one line keeps jumping out at me.
"But as he heard himself shout this, he heard it shouted in his own face
twenty-six years before with a stab in his heart."  The way this reads
is that Brendan was literally stabbed in the heart while being shouted
at.  The sentence is a little mucky too.  Maybe try something like,
"With a jolt to his heart, he remembered twenty-six years ago when a
Knob Hill dandy shouted the same words, looking down his nose at a
smudged face, street-tough Joey Brandon."  Also, if you state his name
in this sentence, not necessary to repeat it in the following narration.

Watch for clear, precise language with each sentence, but you have a
knack for the time period.  Stick to clear images too because I notice
this as a strong suit for you.  Over all, this little exercise is good
and has potential for something bigger.

Bridgit