[stylist] Creative nonfiction- Arranging My Day- general audience
Brad Dunse'
lists at braddunsemusic.com
Fri Mar 25 14:08:38 UTC 2011
Bridgit. Sorry for the late reply. Busy, busy , busy. Enjoyed the
many interesting descriptions especially the military one, little
soldiers. Very nice! That is a spotless symetrical abode for sure
:). I'm not a total slob but envious :). Congrats on the anthology
consideration, awesome. I totally agree with "enough dirty grimy
winter". I know this is a submitted work and not up for editing but I
did have a comment for future??? Unless of course this was
deliberate for affect. But one thing that stood out to me, and
perhaps this is because I know a writer that has quite a healthy ego
and seasons his writing quite liberally with the below. , which I
know that is not, repeat not, the case here. But the many counts of
I, me, my, etc. seemed to stand out, which might bring more movement
if re-worded? Since the piece is soley about your morning it didn't
seem necessary for clarity to give the sentences ownership. Again
perhaps this was intentional considering the title/topic. Also
perhaps sentence structure is hacked in my example but hopefully my
point is graspable.
Quick example of what I'm referring,
Was:
I smooth a fold in the comforter on the bed, checking to ensure the
strip of textured fabric on either side hangs exactly the same. I
double check that the pillows are still spaced evenly from one another.
Kneeling on the center of the bed, I arrange the pillows as evenly as
possible. I contemplate using the measuring tape, but forego this as I
realize I may be straddling the brink of sanity.
Possibility:
Smoothing a fold in the comforter on the bed, checking to ensure the
strip of textured fabric on either side hangs exactly the same, I
double check that the pillows are still spaced evenly from one another.
Kneeling on the center of the bedand arranging the pillows as evenly as
possible, utilizing the benefits of the measuring tape were
contemplated but quickly foregone as I realize straddling the brink
of sanity is emminant.
Just a thought. Although now that I write , I realize I'm not the one
considered for a writing honor :). So for whatever its worth.
Brad
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