[stylist] Your critique Invited!

[Donna Hill]

Hi Marion,
Just a few thoughts.
I find this first sentence a bit awkward. 

Block quote
When you see a guide dog at work you are watching a team with each partner
contributing to the team effort. 
Block quote end

If nothing else, please put a comma after the "when . work" phrase. I think
that the use of "with" is a less than ideal choice, which also makes the
sentence run and dilutes the strength of the first point (that it's a team).
. I also don't like each partner contributing to the team effort. The
contributions are the team effort. What they are both contributing to is
something else like independence, independent travel or mobility. Not sure
if there is really a grammatical error here, but I would re word it
something like this:

Block quote 
When you see a guide dog at work, you are watching a team. Each partner's
contribution is essential for  independent travel.

My thought on this sentence from #4 is, I suppose a difference in
philosophy. 
Block quote
Blind people listen   to traffic patterns and know when it is safe to cross.
It is the blind person who tells the dog when it is safe to cross the
street; it is NOT the dog that makes this decision! 
Block quote end

While I certainly listen, I have always been taught to trust my dog to
decide when it is safe. I know many deaf-blind guide dog users and they
can't hear traffic, so I don't see how they can be making the decision. When
I explain this to audiences, I tell them that I listen, and when I think
it's safe, I tell the dog to go -- forward. If he agrees, he goes; if not we
wait till he thinks it's safe. I don't know if this is splitting hairs or if
there's a difference in trainers and schools, but it really stuck out for
me. 

I would also say that, if I were writing it, I would have tried to be a bit
more engaging to the public audience. It seems a bit legalistic -- if that's
a word. If you want to change anything in that regard, I'd suggest an
introductory sentence like:
Block quote
Have you ever seen a blind person with a guide dog and wondered how you are
supposed to interact with them?
Block quote end

Otherwise, I think you did a great job.
Best,
Donna

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Marion Gwizdala
Sent: Saturday, May 14, 2011 3:10 PM
To: Stylist List
Cc: blind411 at verizon.net
Subject: [stylist] Your critique Invited!

Dear All,
    As president of the National Asociation of Guide Dog Users, I am editing
our brochure. I have attached the edits I have made and would like the input
of those who I trust to help in such endeavors. As a guide dog user, I know
what I want the public to know, but would like to know if there is anything
"the public" would like to know that I might have missed! I would also like
to know if you have any better suggestions for the title of this piece. My
deadline to submit the final copy is Monday, so please offer your feedback
before then!

Peace!
Marion Gwizdala






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