[stylist] Your critique Invited!

Sun May 15 09:43:02 UTC 2011

Donna,
    Thank you very much for your critique. As I said in my original post, I 
edited this piece; I didn't write it. I'm not sure who actually did. For 
this reason, since I have no real emotional investment in it, I am open to 
making it clearer and more current. I will take a look at your suggestions 
later today. As you might see from the time stamp, it's early and I'm 
getting ready for work. This is usually my best editing time....except on 
Sundays! (grin)

Peace!
Marion

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Donna Hill" <penatwork at epix.net>
To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Saturday, May 14, 2011 7:57 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] Your critique Invited!

> Hi Marion,
> Just a few thoughts.
> I find this first sentence a bit awkward.
>
> Block quote
> When you see a guide dog at work you are watching a team with each partner
> contributing to the team effort.
> Block quote end
>
> If nothing else, please put a comma after the "when . work" phrase. I 
> think
> that the use of "with" is a less than ideal choice, which also makes the
> sentence run and dilutes the strength of the first point (that it's a 
> team).
> . I also don't like each partner contributing to the team effort. The
> contributions are the team effort. What they are both contributing to is
> something else like independence, independent travel or mobility. Not sure
> if there is really a grammatical error here, but I would re word it
> something like this:
>
> Block quote
> When you see a guide dog at work, you are watching a team. Each partner's
> contribution is essential for  independent travel.
>
> My thought on this sentence from #4 is, I suppose a difference in
> philosophy.
> Block quote
> Blind people listen   to traffic patterns and know when it is safe to 
> cross.
> It is the blind person who tells the dog when it is safe to cross the
> street; it is NOT the dog that makes this decision!
> Block quote end
>
> While I certainly listen, I have always been taught to trust my dog to
> decide when it is safe. I know many deaf-blind guide dog users and they
> can't hear traffic, so I don't see how they can be making the decision. 
> When
> I explain this to audiences, I tell them that I listen, and when I think
> it's safe, I tell the dog to go -- forward. If he agrees, he goes; if not 
> we
> wait till he thinks it's safe. I don't know if this is splitting hairs or 
> if
> there's a difference in trainers and schools, but it really stuck out for
> me.
>
> I would also say that, if I were writing it, I would have tried to be a 
> bit
> more engaging to the public audience. It seems a bit legalistic -- if 
> that's
> a word. If you want to change anything in that regard, I'd suggest an
> introductory sentence like:
> Block quote
> Have you ever seen a blind person with a guide dog and wondered how you 
> are
> supposed to interact with them?
> Block quote end
>
> Otherwise, I think you did a great job.
> Best,
> Donna
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
> Behalf Of Marion Gwizdala
> Sent: Saturday, May 14, 2011 3:10 PM
> To: Stylist List
> Cc: blind411 at verizon.net
> Subject: [stylist] Your critique Invited!
>
> Dear All,
>    As president of the National Asociation of Guide Dog Users, I am 
> editing
> our brochure. I have attached the edits I have made and would like the 
> input
> of those who I trust to help in such endeavors. As a guide dog user, I 
> know
> what I want the public to know, but would like to know if there is 
> anything
> "the public" would like to know that I might have missed! I would also 
> like
> to know if you have any better suggestions for the title of this piece. My
> deadline to submit the final copy is Monday, so please offer your feedback
> before then!
>
> Peace!
> Marion Gwizdala
>
>
>
>
>
>
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