[stylist] critique this story please if you have time

[vejas]

I just thought up of it and thought the bar was cool.  I guess I 
was just being creative.
I'll make some changes based on your and Barbara's comments, and 
send in my new draft, but since I have school this may not be 
'till vacation.
Thanks.
Vejas


 ----- Original Message -----
From: "Jacobson, Shawn D" <Shawn.D.Jacobson at hud.gov
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List' <stylist at nfbnet.org
Date sent: Tue, 29 Nov 2011 10:24:47 -0500
Subject: Re: [stylist] critique this story please if you have 
time

Vejas

After giving it some thought, let me give you a better response 
on what I saw as the problem with the parents.

First of all, they are very sketchy characters; this is ironic 
since they are the characters that actually change in attitude as 
the story goes along.

The comments about school in the beginning (I believe it was 
chapter 3) sounded cliché.  Think about their motives.  Maybe 
they want their children to study especially hard so that they 
won't end up in dead end jobs like mom and dad.  Maybe mom does 
the laundry for Mrs.  Claus.  Maybe mom is a housewife and is 
tired of the kids arguing and wishes they would go to school and 
be someone elses problem for awhile.

Then there's the scene where mom is mad.  Presumably this is 
because the kids lied to her about going over to Santa's house to 
study.

Then at the end the parents appreciate Christmas and toys.  How 
did this change happen?  Did the parents relax over hot chocolate 
and reminisce about their childhoods?  Maybe a chapter with just 
mom and dad might be good.

Hope this helps.

Shawn

P.S.  How did you get the idea of the grand hotel being 100,000 
feet underground and you had to grab a bar to be instantaneously 
transported there?  Bizarre concept; I kinda liked it.

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org 
[mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of vejas
Sent: Monday, November 28, 2011 8:49 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] critique this story please if you have 
time

You mean the parents were wooden like robotic in a way?
Vejas


 ----- Original Message -----
From: "Jacobson, Shawn D" <Shawn.D.Jacobson at hud.gov
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List' <stylist at nfbnet.org
Date sent: Mon, 28 Nov 2011 14:46:32 -0500
Subject: Re: [stylist] critique this story please if you have
time

Vejas

Fun story, I love how you imagined the whole Santa Clause story
and extended it.  I never thought of the Grand Hotel being
100,000 feet underground or of Santa's sleigh going to Mars.
It's cool to have the decendants of Scrooge hanging out with
Santa's children.

I think my only problem was that the story bogged down for me
with the repetition of names.  Also, I thought the Pontus parents
were a bit wooden at time.

Never the less, a good job.

Shawn

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org
[mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of vejas
Sent: Sunday, November 27, 2011 12:31 AM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org; writers-chat at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] critique this story please if you have time

Hi,
For all you writers-chat folks, I think I said I liked writing
for teens, but this story is an acception.  It's supposed to be
somewhat based on the "It's Beginning to Look a Lot like
Christmas" song (meaning you'll find a lot of reference to it in
this story.) Enjoy.
Thanks anybody who is willing to look this through real quick.
Vejas

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