[stylist] critique this story please if you have time

[Jacobson, Shawn D]

Vejas

After giving it some thought, let me give you a better response on what I saw as the problem with the parents.

First of all, they are very sketchy characters; this is ironic since they are the characters that actually change in attitude as the story goes along.

The comments about school in the beginning (I believe it was chapter 3) sounded cliché.  Think about their motives.  Maybe they want their children to study especially hard so that they won't end up in dead end jobs like mom and dad.  Maybe mom does the laundry for Mrs. Claus.  Maybe mom is a housewife and is tired of the kids arguing and wishes they would go to school and be someone elses problem for awhile.

Then there's the scene where mom is mad.  Presumably this is because the kids lied to her about going over to Santa's house to study.

Then at the end the parents appreciate Christmas and toys.  How did this change happen?  Did the parents relax over hot chocolate and reminisce about their childhoods?  Maybe a chapter with just mom and dad might be good.

Hope this helps.

Shawn

P.S.  How did you get the idea of the grand hotel being 100,000 feet underground and you had to grab a bar to be instantaneously transported there?  Bizarre concept; I kinda liked it.

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of vejas
Sent: Monday, November 28, 2011 8:49 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] critique this story please if you have time

You mean the parents were wooden like robotic in a way?
Vejas


 ----- Original Message -----
From: "Jacobson, Shawn D" <Shawn.D.Jacobson at hud.gov
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List' <stylist at nfbnet.org
Date sent: Mon, 28 Nov 2011 14:46:32 -0500
Subject: Re: [stylist] critique this story please if you have 
time

Vejas

Fun story, I love how you imagined the whole Santa Clause story 
and extended it.  I never thought of the Grand Hotel being 
100,000 feet underground or of Santa's sleigh going to Mars.  
It's cool to have the decendants of Scrooge hanging out with 
Santa's children.

I think my only problem was that the story bogged down for me 
with the repetition of names.  Also, I thought the Pontus parents 
were a bit wooden at time.

Never the less, a good job.

Shawn

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org 
[mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of vejas
Sent: Sunday, November 27, 2011 12:31 AM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org; writers-chat at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] critique this story please if you have time

Hi,
For all you writers-chat folks, I think I said I liked writing 
for teens, but this story is an acception.  It's supposed to be 
somewhat based on the "It's Beginning to Look a Lot like 
Christmas" song (meaning you'll find a lot of reference to it in 
this story.) Enjoy.
Thanks anybody who is willing to look this through real quick.
Vejas

_______________________________________________
Writers Division web site:
http://www.nfb-writers-division.net 
<http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/

stylist mailing list
stylist at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info 
for stylist:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/brlsurfer%40
gmail.com

_______________________________________________
Writers Division web site:
http://www.nfb-writers-division.net <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>

stylist mailing list
stylist at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for stylist:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/shawn.d.jacobson%40hud.gov