[stylist] Feedback please

[Brenda]

Hi Jim

thanks for pointing the lack of spaces out.  Not sure what happened as I 
have spaces in my Word 2010 document.  I cut and pasted the document 
into a Thunderbird email.  I have no idea why the spaces disappeared.  
If anyone has any suggestions on how to fix this, please let me know. Brenda

Brenda



On 10/10/2011 2:34 PM, Homme, James wrote:
> Hi Brenda,
> I'm going to read a little more carefully and give better feedback. Right now, though, I think it's a good piece of work. I want to give it the attention it deserves, when other things are quiet.
>
> Only one thing caught my attention, which made the piece difficult to concentrate on for me. There are a number of sentences where the space needs to separate the period of the current sentence and the first word of the next sentence. I wonder how they got removed.
>
> I will read carefully in a little while.
>
> Thanks.
>
> Jim
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Brenda
> Sent: Monday, October 10, 2011 2:14 PM
> To: Writer's Division Mailing List
> Subject: [stylist] Feedback please
>
> Good afternoon list.
> For my class, we have to submit the first paragraph of a 500-wordpiece.
> I had a hard time writing an introductory paragraph without knowing what
> I was introducing so I ended up writing the whole piece.  I will only
> submit the first paragraph for my assignment, but eventually the whole
> thing will be submitted.   One of my writing goals is to write a memoir
> with elements of my life progressing from high partial to low vision
> (not sighted nor blind)  woven throughout.  If my vision disintegrates
> further , I will include those elements as well.  I wrote a piece a few
> years ago about snow skiing, so I will add this new piece to the file.
> I didn't want to focus on blindness issues for this class, but it just
> worked out that way.
>
> I would appreciate your feedback. Does it flow okay and is it
> believable?  Am I too bold in my reference to my vision?
> Thanks in advance
> Brenda
>
>
>
> The dark
>
> It was a crisp fall day.School had just started a few weeks before and
> the excitement of new friends and new classes hadn't worn off.It was
> especially nice that my mother had picked us up from school.It was
> always nice to avoid riding on the bus.In the back seat, a friend and I
> were happily chatting about the next thing we would cook in home
> economics."You don't like Rosie Apples" said my mother.I wanted to crawl
> under the seat.She always told me what I liked, what I could do and how
> I felt.  [end of first paragraph]
>
> I ate the Rosy Apples we made at school and told her how good they were.
> I ate onion rings that year despite her statement that I would not like
> them.She said I wouldn't be able to use a camera, but unlike her, I
> could take pictures without cutting off people's heads.All these
> accounts and more give me pleasure and a sense of accomplishment, but my
> favorite is when she told me I wasn't afraid of the dark.
>
> At birth I only had light perception.Several surgeries improved my
> vision by age 2, but still my world was a collage of sights and sounds
> that often did not fit together.During the day I played with my older
> brother outside squinting in the bright sunlight.The house was well lit
> as well and I navigated furniture and toys without incident. I knew the
> sound of my parents' voices and connected it with the towering figures
> that approached me.
>
> My two brothers and I were crammed into one small bedroom in our
> two-bedroom home.Bedtime was very scary for me.The silence of the night
> was only broken by noise of the monster lurking somewhere. My brothers
> were asleep in their beds, and I didn't know where my parents were.The
> world had vanished into shapes and shadows that frightened me.
>
> Something had to be done before the monster came and got me.I crept to
> the bedroom door and saw the glowing lamp in the living room, but no
> sounds could be heard.Chicsh went the door as it closed followed by the
> shriek of my older brother awakened by the sound of the door closing and
> the realization that the comforting beam of light was gone. "Quiet down
> in there" yelled my dad without moving from his chair.A thump, thump
> thump came from the basement as my mother came upstairs to see what was
> going on.Instead of yelling at me for upsetting my brother and not going
> to sleep, my mother opened our bedroom door and remarked to my father
> "She's not afraid of the dark because she can't see." Crawling back
> under my covers I was no longer afraid.I knew where everyone was, and if
> the monster came, they would protect me.
>
> This story was told all through my childhood as proof that I was not
> afraid of the dark.It would do no good to explain the terror I felt
> inside.Just once, I wish my mother had been right.
>
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