[stylist] Feedback please

Mon Oct 10 21:03:53 UTC 2011

Brenda,

You probably know by now, when you pasted in your assignment the 
spaces after the periods went poof :). I'm  usually less concerned 
with grammar and such when reading, mostly because, well  quite 
frankly I don't know that much about it haha. I am taking a 
punctuation course through Hadley so I'm learning the foundations 
again. I'm not sure what an introductory paragraph is meant to do 
other than put the keys in the ignition and get it started. Anyway  I 
mostly look for emotion. Did it hook me? Did it keep my attention? 
Did I feel a resolve or specific emotion after reading it?

I was probably intrigued when you said that your mom is always 
telling you what you like and don't like. There go the first hint of 
conflict, we love conflict :). Your statement  that you wanted to 
crawl under the seat gave me an idea of your age,  coming into that 
"Mom, I'm not a little kid anymore!" age. So you did what Hemingway 
said, wrote from the ice under the surface. I liked that you quickly 
proved Mom wrong with the  apples and onion rings and when you went 
into the short background of your vision  I knew you were setting 
something up. so I wanted to read more. You did two things with your 
ending. You set up the punch line or pay off of "Just once, I wish my 
mother had been right" and leaving us with that last line was a 
strong ending. You wrote to the title of your piece which is 
important, and  you also let folks know that sunrise or sun set, 
blind folks are just as vulnerable to the same fears and emotions as 
anyone else. And the beauty of your assignment, I thought, is, you 
said it  without explicitly saying it. Again an under the ice 
technique. Letting the reader reach the conclusion you want without 
telling them the way they ought to feel. Not  Explicitly spoon 
feeding it  to them allows reader involvement and lets them share the 
experience. I liked it over all. I might have done something 
different with some of the describers such as with the crisp morning, 
I might have said something like "The  schoolyard grass snapped under 
my tennies from the morning frost." but that's just me.  I didnt' 
really look at word economy  or anything to that degree, just the 
feeling I got. I like it. Thanks for sharing your assignment and hope 
you are enjoying your class.

Brad

On 10/10/2011  01:14 PM Brenda said...
>Good afternoon list.
>For my class, we have to submit the first paragraph of a 500-wordpiece.
>I had a hard time writing an introductory paragraph without knowing 
>what I was introducing so I ended up writing the whole piece.  I 
>will only submit the first paragraph for my assignment, but 
>eventually the whole thing will be submitted.   One of my writing 
>goals is to write a memoir with elements of my life progressing from 
>high partial to low vision (not sighted nor blind)  woven 
>throughout.  If my vision disintegrates further , I will include 
>those elements as well.  I wrote a piece a few years ago about snow 
>skiing, so I will add this new piece to the file.
>I didn't want to focus on blindness issues for this class, but it 
>just worked out that way.
>
>I would appreciate your feedback. Does it flow okay and is it 
>believable?  Am I too bold in my reference to my vision?
>Thanks in advance
>Brenda
>
>
>
>The dark
>
>It was a crisp fall day.School had just started a few weeks before 
>and the excitement of new friends and new classes hadn't worn off.It 
>was especially nice that my mother had picked us up from school.It 
>was always nice to avoid riding on the bus.In the back seat, a 
>friend and I were happily chatting about the next thing we would 
>cook in home economics."You don't like Rosie Apples" said my 
>mother.I wanted to crawl under the seat.She always told me what I 
>liked, what I could do and how I felt.  [end of first paragraph]
>
>I ate the Rosy Apples we made at school and told her how good they 
>were. I ate onion rings that year despite her statement that I would 
>not like them.She said I wouldn't be able to use a camera, but 
>unlike her, I could take pictures without cutting off people's 
>heads.All these accounts and more give me pleasure and a sense of 
>accomplishment, but my favorite is when she told me I wasn't afraid 
>of the dark.
>
>At birth I only had light perception.Several surgeries improved my 
>vision by age 2, but still my world was a collage of sights and 
>sounds that often did not fit together.During the day I played with 
>my older brother outside squinting in the bright sunlight.The house 
>was well lit as well and I navigated furniture and toys without 
>incident. I knew the sound of my parents' voices and connected it 
>with the towering figures that approached me.
>
>My two brothers and I were crammed into one small bedroom in our 
>two-bedroom home.Bedtime was very scary for me.The silence of the 
>night was only broken by noise of the monster lurking somewhere. My 
>brothers were asleep in their beds, and I didn't know where my 
>parents were.The world had vanished into shapes and shadows that frightened me.
>
>Something had to be done before the monster came and got me.I crept 
>to the bedroom door and saw the glowing lamp in the living room, but 
>no sounds could be heard.Chicsh went the door as it closed followed 
>by the shriek of my older brother awakened by the sound of the door 
>closing and the realization that the comforting beam of light was 
>gone. "Quiet down in there" yelled my dad without moving from his 
>chair.A thump, thump thump came from the basement as my mother came 
>upstairs to see what was going on.Instead of yelling at me for 
>upsetting my brother and not going to sleep, my mother opened our 
>bedroom door and remarked to my father "She's not afraid of the dark 
>because she can't see." Crawling back under my covers I was no 
>longer afraid.I knew where everyone was, and if the monster came, 
>they would protect me.
>
>This story was told all through my childhood as proof that I was not 
>afraid of the dark.It would do no good to explain the terror I felt 
>inside.Just once, I wish my mother had been right.
>
>_______________________________________________
>Writers Division web site:
>http://www.nfb-writers-division.net <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
>
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Brad Dunse

"Life is too important to be taken seriously." --Oscar Wilde

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