[stylist] Feedback, please

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Brenda,

First, some structual suggestions:

Between the first and second sentence, I'd use a semi-colon instead of a
period. Semi-colons can be used to connect two separate sentences that
have a connecting thread. Jason folded the grocery list after studying
it; he couldn't forget items again.

In your second sentence, place a comma before "and." "School had just
started a few weeks before, *comma* and the excitement of new friends
and new classes hadn't worn off." When a conjunction joins what could be
two sentences, place a comma before the conjunction.

Perhaps keep a more active voice. Don't use past perfect verbs which are
phrases like using had with a past-tense verb- had discovered, or  like
"had picked up." For instance, "It was especially nice my mother picked
us up from school." This keeps a better flow, and since you're telling
this in past-tense, it's not necessary to use past perfect verbs.
Usually you use this if telling a narrative in past-tense, but begin to
tell something that happened even before that moment. Clear as mud?
Smile.

Try to avoid phrases like "happily chatting." Not that this is wrong,
but search for strong verbs instead of adverbs. It makes for stronger
writing. Perhaps this could read, "Enthusiasm directed our conversation
in the backseat," or, "In the backseat, a friend and I chatted about
cooking, smiles splitting our faces." Just examples to display my
comment- not trying to rewrite your work. Smile.

I'm not quite understanding the leap between the backseat discussions
then the mother's comment. We have a reported scene of you and a friend
leaving school then we jump to your mother and that relationship. The
beginning doesn't flow with what follows. Maybe start with your mom
telling you what you like then develop a scene with your beginning
section as an example. And connect what your mother says to what is
happening in the moment. It currently is a little random. The dialogue
needs to be set up, connected to the moment.

Should "home economics" be capitolized? Not sure, anyone have an opinion
on this? Not exactly proper title, but also describing a specific class
nonetheless.

Dialogue should be separate paragraphs. If attaching action to the
speaker, that can accompany dialogue, but for the most part, dialogue is
its own paragraph. For example, could do, Wendy strode across the room
turning to glare at me. "You always wanted to leave, didn't you?" Action
is associated with the speaker so it is contained in a para with the
dialogue. We ran in the sand chasing the ebbing water. "Be careful you
two," Mom said. The dialogue should be in a separate para from the
sentence before.

Consider scene development instead of telling us what you mother did and
said. Scenes place readers in the moment more as opposed to just reading
what happened. Try placing moments that show us the relationship in
between you telling us.

"...but still my world was a collage of sights and sounds." Great
description, great image. I really like this. Reach for more
descriptions like this.

In your revision process, look for words that can be cut; it's called
surgical editing. For example: You write, "Several surgeries improved my
vision by age two, but still my world was a collage of sights and sounds
that often did not fit together." Could write, "Several surgeries
improved my vision by age two, but my world was still a collage of
sights and sounds *often not fitting together*."

In literary writing, numbers are usually spelled out. You have a numeral
2, but it should be t w o.

"Still" should be after "my" and placed next to "a" so it reads, "...
But my world was *still* a collage of sights and sounds."

When you talk about playing outside with your brother in the sunlight
and the well-lit house, they don't connect. As blind people, we
understand what you mean, but the two sentences need to connect to what
you're trying to describe. Also, again, consider creating a scene here
instead.

"The world had vanished into shapes and shadows that frightened me."
Good description and detail. Consider, "The world vanished into shapes
and shadows frightening me," but another great description.

Try to avoid starting sentences with "I." For example, instead of, "I
crept...," consider, "Creeping to the door, noticing the glow of the
lamplight, I heard no sounds."

You use the word "Chisk" to describe the sound of the closing door. Do
you mean click, or is this intentional?

Again, make dialogue its own para.

Maybe, "My mom thumped up the basement stairs," or, "Thump, thump, thump
sounded on the basement stairs as Mom ran up to see what happened."

This is a good start. Consider playing with your arrangement. As an
introduction, the first para doesn't quite work. Consider establishing
your intent up front. Though not an academic paper, creative narratives
still can have a thesis of sorts even if just alluding to the point.
There's not a real connection between the first para and the rest of the
text.

In revision: Look for where you can connect the essay better. Make sure
each sentence is clear and structurally proper. Also look for those
places where surgical editing can be done. This cleans up the prose to
solidify the content. Work on some scene development as well. You
currently have reported scenes, but creating scenes help place us in the
moment, and they bring a clear action to people. Unlike many
contemporary writers, I think "telling" is still okay, but when you use
scene development to "show" the narrative, the story comes to life. Use
some more sensory descriptions to. These details illustrate the story.

If you hope to draft a nonfiction narrative, you'll have to decide how
to structure it and if it will be memoir or personal essay. Memoir
narratives flow more like a novel whereas personal essays can have a
narrative thread, but they also can stand alone as a piece. I like that
you aren't following a linear timeline. You have examples of great
descriptions- be mindful of where you can use descriptive language and
metaphor to sell a point and describe. Great start, and I look forward
to reading revisions of this.

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
 
"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan


Message: 1
Date: Mon, 10 Oct 2011 14:14:26 -0400
From: Brenda <bjnite at windstream.net>
To: Writer's Division Mailing List <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: [stylist] Feedback please
Message-ID: <4E933602.8030802 at windstream.net>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1; format=flowed

Good afternoon list.
For my class, we have to submit the first paragraph of a 500-wordpiece.

I had a hard time writing an introductory paragraph without knowing what

I was introducing so I ended up writing the whole piece.  I will only 
submit the first paragraph for my assignment, but eventually the whole 
thing will be submitted.   One of my writing goals is to write a memoir 
with elements of my life progressing from high partial to low vision 
(not sighted nor blind)  woven throughout.  If my vision disintegrates 
further , I will include those elements as well.  I wrote a piece a few 
years ago about snow skiing, so I will add this new piece to the file.  
I didn't want to focus on blindness issues for this class, but it just 
worked out that way.

I would appreciate your feedback. Does it flow okay and is it 
believable?  Am I too bold in my reference to my vision?
Thanks in advance
Brenda



The dark

It was a crisp fall day.School had just started a few weeks before and 
the excitement of new friends and new classes hadn't worn off.It was 
especially nice that my mother had picked us up from school.It was 
always nice to avoid riding on the bus.In the back seat, a friend and I 
were happily chatting about the next thing we would cook in home 
economics."You don't like Rosie Apples" said my mother.I wanted to crawl

under the seat.She always told me what I liked, what I could do and how 
I felt.  [end of first paragraph]

I ate the Rosy Apples we made at school and told her how good they were.

I ate onion rings that year despite her statement that I would not like 
them.She said I wouldn't be able to use a camera, but unlike her, I 
could take pictures without cutting off people's heads.All these 
accounts and more give me pleasure and a sense of accomplishment, but my

favorite is when she told me I wasn't afraid of the dark.

At birth I only had light perception.Several surgeries improved my 
vision by age 2, but still my world was a collage of sights and sounds 
that often did not fit together.During the day I played with my older 
brother outside squinting in the bright sunlight.The house was well lit 
as well and I navigated furniture and toys without incident. I knew the 
sound of my parents' voices and connected it with the towering figures 
that approached me.

My two brothers and I were crammed into one small bedroom in our 
two-bedroom home.Bedtime was very scary for me.The silence of the night 
was only broken by noise of the monster lurking somewhere. My brothers 
were asleep in their beds, and I didn't know where my parents were.The 
world had vanished into shapes and shadows that frightened me.

Something had to be done before the monster came and got me.I crept to 
the bedroom door and saw the glowing lamp in the living room, but no 
sounds could be heard.Chicsh went the door as it closed followed by the 
shriek of my older brother awakened by the sound of the door closing and

the realization that the comforting beam of light was gone. "Quiet down 
in there" yelled my dad without moving from his chair.A thump, thump 
thump came from the basement as my mother came upstairs to see what was 
going on.Instead of yelling at me for upsetting my brother and not going

to sleep, my mother opened our bedroom door and remarked to my father 
"She's not afraid of the dark because she can't see." Crawling back 
under my covers I was no longer afraid.I knew where everyone was, and if

the monster came, they would protect me.

This story was told all through my childhood as proof that I was not 
afraid of the dark.It would do no good to explain the terror I felt 
inside.Just once, I wish my mother had been right.