[stylist] Feedback please

Sun Oct 16 23:53:03 UTC 2011

Jacqui,

brad at braddunsemusic.com :)

Brad


On 10/16/2011  06:05 PM Jacqueline Williams said...
>Brad,
>I have a two word analysis which fits perfectly with the words you send. It
>might be considered a bit off color. I have not been in the group long
>enough to know the parameters. It is not far off, but do you have a separate
>e-mail address I could use to filter it first. Please no websites. It is not
>a song, and I have never used  Twitter, Face book, and the like.
>Thanks,
>Jacqui
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
>Behalf Of Brad Dunse'
>Sent: Friday, October 14, 2011 10:40 AM
>To: Writer's Division Mailing List
>Subject: Re: [stylist] Feedback please
>
>Jacqui,
>
>Thanks for the chuckle. Not catching your full name in the email
>inbox or the full subject line totally missing big as a billboard the
>word, Stylist, I read "Brad and Brenda", and then a little bit of
>your email. I  then stopped, got a real perplexed look on my face,
>cocked my head a bit and closed the email asking myself "Who was this
>from again and what story? What story did she write, I don't remember
>any story." I looked at the inbox and saw your name, thought "Oh? How
>does Jacquilin know my... wait let me look at that name again." So I
>closed the email, looked at the inbox again, saw your name in full,
>then opened it back up and started reading past the first couple
>lines, then the light bulb went on. "Oh! Brenda from the Stylist
>list, not Brenda my wife."
>
>That's what I get for spending the past day or so in tech set up
>mode., I'm headed out to the kitchen now for my second cup of coffee
>and maybe things will improve as the day goes on haha.
>
>Brad
>
>
>Brad
>
>
>On 10/14/2011  12:03 PM Jacqueline Williams said...
> >Brad and Brenda,
> >Brad, I just put Brenda's story in my critique folder, but after reading
> >yours, I feel that you were so right on, that it would be difficult to add
> >anything pertinent. I hope you realize that you are giving all of us a
> >lesson in what to look for when we do a critique. I am saving t for a
> >lesson. Many of your comments are pertinent to poetry.
> >Thanks for your back and forths.
> >Jackie's
> >
> >-----Original Message-----
> >From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
> >Behalf Of Brad Dunse'
> >Sent: Monday, October 10, 2011 2:04 PM
> >To: bjnite at windstream.net; Writer's Division Mailing List
> >Subject: Re: [stylist] Feedback please
> >
> >Brenda,
> >
> >You probably know by now, when you pasted in your assignment the
> >spaces after the periods went poof :). I'm  usually less concerned
> >with grammar and such when reading, mostly because, well  quite
> >frankly I don't know that much about it haha. I am taking a
> >punctuation course through Hadley so I'm learning the foundations
> >again. I'm not sure what an introductory paragraph is meant to do
> >other than put the keys in the ignition and get it started. Anyway  I
> >mostly look for emotion. Did it hook me? Did it keep my attention?
> >Did I feel a resolve or specific emotion after reading it?
> >
> >I was probably intrigued when you said that your mom is always
> >telling you what you like and don't like. There go the first hint of
> >conflict, we love conflict :). Your statement  that you wanted to
> >crawl under the seat gave me an idea of your age,  coming into that
> >"Mom, I'm not a little kid anymore!" age. So you did what Hemingway
> >said, wrote from the ice under the surface. I liked that you quickly
> >proved Mom wrong with the  apples and onion rings and when you went
> >into the short background of your vision  I knew you were setting
> >something up. so I wanted to read more. You did two things with your
> >ending. You set up the punch line or pay off of "Just once, I wish my
> >mother had been right" and leaving us with that last line was a
> >strong ending. You wrote to the title of your piece which is
> >important, and  you also let folks know that sunrise or sun set,
> >blind folks are just as vulnerable to the same fears and emotions as
> >anyone else. And the beauty of your assignment, I thought, is, you
> >said it  without explicitly saying it. Again an under the ice
> >technique. Letting the reader reach the conclusion you want without
> >telling them the way they ought to feel. Not  Explicitly spoon
> >feeding it  to them allows reader involvement and lets them share the
> >experience. I liked it over all. I might have done something
> >different with some of the describers such as with the crisp morning,
> >I might have said something like "The  schoolyard grass snapped under
> >my tennies from the morning frost." but that's just me.  I didnt'
> >really look at word economy  or anything to that degree, just the
> >feeling I got. I like it. Thanks for sharing your assignment and hope
> >you are enjoying your class.
> >
> >Brad
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >On 10/10/2011  01:14 PM Brenda said...
> > >Good afternoon list.
> > >For my class, we have to submit the first paragraph of a 500-wordpiece.
> > >I had a hard time writing an introductory paragraph without knowing
> > >what I was introducing so I ended up writing the whole piece.  I
> > >will only submit the first paragraph for my assignment, but
> > >eventually the whole thing will be submitted.   One of my writing
> > >goals is to write a memoir with elements of my life progressing from
> > >high partial to low vision (not sighted nor blind)  woven
> > >throughout.  If my vision disintegrates further , I will include
> > >those elements as well.  I wrote a piece a few years ago about snow
> > >skiing, so I will add this new piece to the file.
> > >I didn't want to focus on blindness issues for this class, but it
> > >just worked out that way.
> > >
> > >I would appreciate your feedback. Does it flow okay and is it
> > >believable?  Am I too bold in my reference to my vision?
> > >Thanks in advance
> > >Brenda
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >The dark
> > >
> > >It was a crisp fall day.School had just started a few weeks before
> > >and the excitement of new friends and new classes hadn't worn off.It
> > >was especially nice that my mother had picked us up from school.It
> > >was always nice to avoid riding on the bus.In the back seat, a
> > >friend and I were happily chatting about the next thing we would
> > >cook in home economics."You don't like Rosie Apples" said my
> > >mother.I wanted to crawl under the seat.She always told me what I
> > >liked, what I could do and how I felt.  [end of first paragraph]
> > >
> > >I ate the Rosy Apples we made at school and told her how good they
> > >were. I ate onion rings that year despite her statement that I would
> > >not like them.She said I wouldn't be able to use a camera, but
> > >unlike her, I could take pictures without cutting off people's
> > >heads.All these accounts and more give me pleasure and a sense of
> > >accomplishment, but my favorite is when she told me I wasn't afraid
> > >of the dark.
> > >
> > >At birth I only had light perception.Several surgeries improved my
> > >vision by age 2, but still my world was a collage of sights and
> > >sounds that often did not fit together.During the day I played with
> > >my older brother outside squinting in the bright sunlight.The house
> > >was well lit as well and I navigated furniture and toys without
> > >incident. I knew the sound of my parents' voices and connected it
> > >with the towering figures that approached me.
> > >
> > >My two brothers and I were crammed into one small bedroom in our
> > >two-bedroom home.Bedtime was very scary for me.The silence of the
> > >night was only broken by noise of the monster lurking somewhere. My
> > >brothers were asleep in their beds, and I didn't know where my
> > >parents were.The world had vanished into shapes and shadows that
>frightened
> >me.
> > >
> > >Something had to be done before the monster came and got me.I crept
> > >to the bedroom door and saw the glowing lamp in the living room, but
> > >no sounds could be heard.Chicsh went the door as it closed followed
> > >by the shriek of my older brother awakened by the sound of the door
> > >closing and the realization that the comforting beam of light was
> > >gone. "Quiet down in there" yelled my dad without moving from his
> > >chair.A thump, thump thump came from the basement as my mother came
> > >upstairs to see what was going on.Instead of yelling at me for
> > >upsetting my brother and not going to sleep, my mother opened our
> > >bedroom door and remarked to my father "She's not afraid of the dark
> > >because she can't see." Crawling back under my covers I was no
> > >longer afraid.I knew where everyone was, and if the monster came,
> > >they would protect me.
> > >
> > >This story was told all through my childhood as proof that I was not
> > >afraid of the dark.It would do no good to explain the terror I felt
> > >inside.Just once, I wish my mother had been right.
> > >
> > >_______________________________________________
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><http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
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> >
> >
> >Brad Dunse
> >
> >"Life is too important to be taken seriously." --Oscar Wilde
> >
> >http://www.braddunsemusic.com
> >
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> >
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>t
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> >
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>
>Brad Dunse
>
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