[stylist] Feedback please

[loristay at aol.com]

Hi, Brenda
This is a beautiful piece.  I'm sure you accomplished the goal of your assignment, and more.

Thunderbird is iffy in many respects, as we (my husband uses it) have found.  

But yes, the piece flows nicely, and I had no trouble believing it.


Lori




-----Original Message-----
From: Brenda <bjnite at windstream.net>
To: Writer's Division Mailing List <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Mon, Oct 10, 2011 10:14 am
Subject: [stylist] Feedback please


Good afternoon list.
For my class, we have to submit the first paragraph of a 500-wordpiece.  
I had a hard time writing an introductory paragraph without knowing what 
I was introducing so I ended up writing the whole piece.  I will only 
submit the first paragraph for my assignment, but eventually the whole 
thing will be submitted.   One of my writing goals is to write a memoir 
with elements of my life progressing from high partial to low vision 
(not sighted nor blind)  woven throughout.  If my vision disintegrates 
further , I will include those elements as well.  I wrote a piece a few 
years ago about snow skiing, so I will add this new piece to the file.  
I didn't want to focus on blindness issues for this class, but it just 
worked out that way.

I would appreciate your feedback. Does it flow okay and is it 
believable?  Am I too bold in my reference to my vision?
Thanks in advance
Brenda



The dark

It was a crisp fall day.School had just started a few weeks before and 
the excitement of new friends and new classes hadn't worn off.It was 
especially nice that my mother had picked us up from school.It was 
always nice to avoid riding on the bus.In the back seat, a friend and I 
were happily chatting about the next thing we would cook in home 
economics."You don't like Rosie Apples" said my mother.I wanted to crawl 
under the seat.She always told me what I liked, what I could do and how 
I felt.  [end of first paragraph]

I ate the Rosy Apples we made at school and told her how good they were. 
I ate onion rings that year despite her statement that I would not like 
them.She said I wouldn't be able to use a camera, but unlike her, I 
could take pictures without cutting off people's heads.All these 
accounts and more give me pleasure and a sense of accomplishment, but my 
favorite is when she told me I wasn't afraid of the dark.

At birth I only had light perception.Several surgeries improved my 
vision by age 2, but still my world was a collage of sights and sounds 
that often did not fit together.During the day I played with my older 
brother outside squinting in the bright sunlight.The house was well lit 
as well and I navigated furniture and toys without incident. I knew the 
sound of my parents' voices and connected it with the towering figures 
that approached me.

My two brothers and I were crammed into one small bedroom in our 
two-bedroom home.Bedtime was very scary for me.The silence of the night 
was only broken by noise of the monster lurking somewhere. My brothers 
were asleep in their beds, and I didn't know where my parents were.The 
world had vanished into shapes and shadows that frightened me.

Something had to be done before the monster came and got me.I crept to 
the bedroom door and saw the glowing lamp in the living room, but no 
sounds could be heard.Chicsh went the door as it closed followed by the 
shriek of my older brother awakened by the sound of the door closing and 
the realization that the comforting beam of light was gone. "Quiet down 
in there" yelled my dad without moving from his chair.A thump, thump 
thump came from the basement as my mother came upstairs to see what was 
going on.Instead of yelling at me for upsetting my brother and not going 
to sleep, my mother opened our bedroom door and remarked to my father 
"She's not afraid of the dark because she can't see." Crawling back 
under my covers I was no longer afraid.I knew where everyone was, and if 
the monster came, they would protect me.

This story was told all through my childhood as proof that I was not 
afraid of the dark.It would do no good to explain the terror I felt 
inside.Just once, I wish my mother had been right.

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