[stylist] for company newsletter:Getting the Halloween Candy

[Shelley J. Alongi]

Hi Brenda, As with all writers, our weakness is the passive voice. I find it 
in my work even though I try hard to eliminate it. The story is well 
written, I have to admit I'm not sure if it's about the rain or the peanut 
brittle, maybe the rain is the setting for the story. I like the inclusion 
of smell of baked goods and the mentioning of the displays. Why does your 
husband grab you by your coat? Maybe it's just a personal issue with me. 
Good luck submitting it.
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Brenda" <bjnite at windstream.net>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Thursday, October 27, 2011 6:40 AM
Subject: [stylist] for company newsletter:Getting the Halloween Candy


> Dear List
>
> I work for a small online medical transcription company. We have never met 
> in person.Some of the leadership know I have lost my vision and converted 
> from doing my job reading print to use of a screen reader, but not much 
> else.Our supervisor is going to have a newsletter for Halloween and she 
> wants people to send in pictures of their kids and pets in costume.Our 
> kids are grown and we don't dress up our pets so I won't have any 
> pictures, but I thought I would submit a story.My goal is to send a cute 
> little story that includes elements of me as a blind individual without 
> over emphasizing.
>
> I would appreciate any constructive feed back.I especially want to know if 
> I should even send it.
>
> I saved the document as a plaintext file first, so hopefully all the 
> spaces after periods will be kept.
>
> By the way, I do read a lot of the posts and other people's 
> contributions.I just don't have anything further to add.So now I'm asking 
> for help even though I don't contribute much.I don't want to be a user and 
> not contribute so if you feel I need to quit submitting things please let 
> me know.
>
> Getting the Halloween Candy
>
> Halloween was only three days away and we had no candy.What is the use of 
> buying a bunch of candy when it will probably be raining and no 
> trick-or-treaters will show up I thought.My husband who on most days 
> avoided the rain braved the current downpour and headed for the car.Not 
> wanting to miss a chance to get out of the house, I followed him.
>
> "God is great and beer is good and people are crazy" drowned out the 
> pounding drops on the roof of the car.Not very Halloweenish, but I never 
> have heard The Monster mash on a country station.
>
> Dodging puddles, we made our way into the store.
>
> "Maybe we should get some beer."I said to my husband as we entered the 
> store.
>
> "We're here to get candy for the trick-or-treaters." He snapped drying his 
> glasses.
>
> We really need to get some beer or maybe just listen to the song by Ricky 
> Carrington again I decided. Smells of rotisserie chicken and baked goods 
> filled the air and my mouth began to water.Moving my white cane from one 
> side to the other, I followed the blur ahead of me to the candy isle at 
> the other end of the store before my stomach could wake up and growl.
>
> Then I heard it, the unmistakable sound of peanut brittle calling 
> me.Seeing little more than the bright lights in the store and the blur of 
> shelves, I began to turn first right, and then left listening as the sound 
> got louder and louder.Feeling a chill I stopped to zip my coat but turned 
> right again instead of exiting the store.Back and forth went my cane like 
> a windshield wiper protecting me from carts and store displays.
>
> The smell of peanuts joined the shouting of PEANUT BRITTLE, PEANUT BRITTLE 
> and my mouth began to water and my stomach growled.Holding the plastic box 
> carefully, I walked to a center isle near the checkout line where my 
> husband could spot me.
>
> "Where'd you go?"I turned around and you weren't anywhere to be found."
>
> "The peanut brittle was calling me and I had to get some. If you want, we 
> can eat some in the car."
>
> Appeased by the prospect of a treat, my husband released his grip on my 
> coat and we walked to the checkout line.
>
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