[stylist] Walking Mirrors

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

I do agree that how we respond says a lot to people we encounter.
Blindness has never been viewed medically, socially, professionally or
culturally as a perfectly exceptable  way to live. The "fear" of the
unknown trumps any logic that could make living as a blind person okay.
When we react with anger, we do nothing to change minds; after all, who
wants to associate with a bear on a rampage? It turns people off.

However, I completely understand the frustration of dealing with the
ignorant people and those who assume. Just today, while at the doctor, I
couldn't find my signature guide. Ross, the hubby, likes to come with me
to my appointments if he can. I called him over so I could borrow his
signature guide, but the front desk worker said, "Oh, he's going to sign
for you?" This came after asking if it was okay for me to sign some
paperwork. I didn't flip, but inside I was seething. The real rub is
that Ross is blind too and carries a cane, so I never quite know how to
take this.

Why are we expected to smile and make these people feel okay? Why do we
have to be belittled, demeaned, treated like children, have our ability
to care for ourselves, and others, questioned? No, not everyone acts
this way, but many do. We are expected to accept ignorance and
ridiculous perceptions, but no one is ever expected to accept that we're
adults with lives, and when people encounter us out-and-about, we must
be okay seeing we are doing things on our own. Instead, they get to
accept we're less capable, and when sighted people are around, we have
saviors who can provide us some helpful cheer for the day.

I come from a fully sighted perspective. I was sighted for 22 years, and
when I lost my vision, I didn't lose who I was. I retained all the same
interests, opinions, personality; yet, I enter a room, and far to many
people don't look past the cane.

Having been blind for only eight years, I find it difficult to accept
this. I want to be exceptional, but not because I can tie my shoes. I
want to stand out, but not because I walk down the street without
bumping into objects. I want to inspire, but not because I have overcome
the obstacles of blindness, which tend to be negative views as opposed
to blindness itself. Everything I do is viewed in the context of
blindness.

Long before I knew about the Federation or skills of the blind or
training, I naturally understood that as a blind person, I could still
be me; I could still do the same things. When I learned of the
Federation and its views on blindness, I thought, wow, finally someone
else gets it. I didn't question my abilities; I didn't think limitations
were a part of the blindness package. This is what upsets me and
frustrates me. People don't get it- blind and sighted. We're people with
feelings, thoughts, emotions, talents, and not everything revolves
around blindness. And not everything is a huge obstacle. Our life
experience isn't different, and 99% of the time, our difficulties lay in
the perceptions and attitudes projected by society.

Instead of figuring things out, and seeking solutions, we accept these
perceptions of reality as truth. We think blindness creates a barrier we
must push through for every little thing. I can't speak Swahili, have no
concept of it, don't know the first thing, doesn't mean I don't believe
others can speak it and learn it. This is what we do with blindness; we
have no concept of how to live nonvisually; we can't fathom how to do
things, so we decide to assume it's impossible. Yet, there are those of
us who know better. We live every day accomplishing all sorts of things
nonvisually, yet no one wants to believe us.

So this is why we get frustrated. This is why we blow up sometimes.
People may intend to be kind and helpful, but, especially as an adult,
it becomes tiresome to have people assume I need help for every little
thing. I'm not defending irate behavior, but I do understand the
sentiment.

Humans are complex creatures. So much influences us, negatively and
positively. Our family, environment, pop culture, friends, our own
natural personality. Why some view disability different than others,
who's to say? And while I don't believe in skinning people alive, I also
think it's unfair to always be expected to surrender to society's
"kindness" because they "don't know better." When children misbehave
because they don't know better, do we allow the behavior to go
unchecked? No, so why do we allow ignorant behavior to slide in adults?
We don't have to react to each individual instance of ignorant behavior,
but sometimes, we should speak up, inform and educate. It's not fair we
always have to feel bad because of ignorant behavior.

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
 
"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan

Message: 21
Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2011 09:12:31 -0500
From: Brad Dunse' <lists at braddunsemusic.com>
To: Writer's Division Mailing List <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: [stylist] Writing exercise
Message-ID: <131652797078938600 at t14.hostbaby.com>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"; format=flowed

Just some thoghts as an exercise in writing, editing, re-writing,
etc....

Walking Mirrors
By Brad Dunse

Over twenty years ago I was diagnosed with 
Retinitis Pigmentosa. From that day forward life 
has been an incredible journey of personal 
heartbreak, discovery, growth, joy, success, and 
a host of life learning experiences.

One such continual lesson is the journey of 
personal behavior in reaction to events 
surrounding us and the conduct of others. How and 
why people, specifically me, react the way we do in certain life
situations.

Particular to this writing is my reaction to the 
varying affects we have as blind individuals on 
the garden variety sighted human. Why the varied 
responses to our personal exchange with them out 
on the street, in the workplace, or grocery store?

What compels one person to physically grab your 
white cane, attempting to pull it in the 
direction they'd like you to go, while yet 
another will carry on a walking conversation 
without concern a cane is even present?

Why is it one person will awkwardly try to help, 
leaving you witness to their spilled purses, 
dropped grocery bags, or crashed shopping carts 
as pseudo-heroics cause them to trip for the door 
prior to your reaching for it, while another 
honestly addresses the elephant in the room 
admitting they've never encountered a blind 
person before so if help is needed they'll just rely on you to say so.

Why is it one waitress will ask your dinner-mate 
what it is you want off the menu as if you were 
an incapable toddler, while another will simply 
pull a pencil from behind the ear, flip a page 
back off the notepad, poke the pencil down on the 
paper, look at you and say "OK Hun, what can I get you".

When I first came to learning about blindness, 
having much usable vision myself and carrying a 
sighted person's  perspective, I may not have 
known or even thought of how I might handle 
myself in the company of a blind individual, but 
without question I'd treat them with dignity and 
respect   the same manner I try to treat anyone.

In that same time frame I observed tirades from 
blind individuals as a result of their frustrated 
reaction to stereotypes and assumptions from 
people they met on the streets treating them like helpless dotes.

I remember one incident involving a blind lady I 
knew who was getting on a city bus. A fellow 
passenger offered to help her. And in this 
particular case the individual trying to help was 
really not that far out of line in my opinion, 
more chivalrous than patronizing. . Nonetheless 
the blind woman's demeanor horrifically snapped 
in front of the entire busload of people, really 
letting the well intentioned passenger have it 
good.  That scene was indelibly etched in my mind 
and caused me a considerable amount of 
consternation. Though I was disappointed by the 
reaction of this woman positioned as mentor, I 
was not judgmental of her, I was simply trying to 
understand her response to a well-meaning person.

Of course over time I learned more about mobility 
skills and encountering  sighted folks who 
reacted out of ignorance. Often times these 
encounters take on  a belittling atmosphere of 
social helplessness, gaining intensity as well as 
audience  the more it  is allowed to continue. I 
began to understand how shear repetition of 
having to deal with it could become quite annoying.

The woman on the bus whose temper exploded at the 
well-meaning passenger reminded me of the very 
first time I got on an email discussion list as a 
new information highway passenger. My very first 
mass internet communication and I was excited to 
be trying this new medium out, it was going to be awesome.

Not long after subscribing, a net acquaintance of 
mine forwarded me one of those virus warnings. 
You know one of the hoaxes out there  which some 
folks are driven to pass along? just in case? 
Well? Knowing no better I passed it straight up 
to the email list like a good helpful, 
responsible and yes ignorant person might do. 
Within minutes I was berated in front of the 
entire list, pretty badly I might add.

I was quite angry, upset and even hurt. I was 
only trying to help, just trying to be a 
responsible person because seeing someone fall 
prey to this so called virus when I could avoid it was not pleasurable.

My first reaction was to assume "Geez! People on 
these email lists are rude, angry and just not 
very nice people at all. If that's the way they 
are going to be, I'll let them to their own 
misery!" Of course over time and many discussion 
memberships later, I learned how often  virus 
forwards occurred and how it took up people's 
valuable time. Such posts  become repetitious 
aggravations, which this person happened to have 
had just one too many such posts with mine.

After the fact, like the person sending the nasty 
email, I understood the reason for the fellow 
blind person's over reaction on the bus. Still, I 
vowed I did not want to give that first 
impression to someone trying to help. Even if 
their help was out of ignorance just like I was 
with my virus warning. Even if  it was out of a 
needless sense of pity or inappropriate sense of 
superiority, I did not want to just hand over my 
emotional control to someone by hyper-reacting to 
their behavior. Neither did I want to make them 
feel as I had   with my well-meaning yet ignorant post to the discussion
list.

I then began to question and discover why this 
happens. Why the differing reactions like the 
ones mentioned earlier?  Maybe I'm wrong, maybe 
it is uniquely limited to my experience, or 
perhaps living these years as a blind person has 
yet to teach me more in this area. Or in fact 
maybe it is merely a perspective that isn't an 
absolute but a generalization which serves my 
purpose for my own outcomes and education of dealing with such sighted
folks.

At any rate  I've come to believe that to others 
we are not blind people at all. They really do 
not see "us" as blind people. What they do see is 
"themselves" as a blind person in our encounter 
with them. What do I mean? The reason they react 
as they do is sort of a dual mirror. They see a 
blind person across the street happily tapping 
along a sidewalk for instance. What they also see 
ten feet directly in front is the stone planter 
smack dab in the middle of the sidewalk. However, 
what they really see is themselves as the blind 
person based on their own lack of experiential 
reference and knowledge. They know without a 
doubt if they were that blind person, there would 
be one heck of a bloody crash. To avoid their 
feeling this way, they holler across traffic 
"Watch out for the planter in front of you!" As 
if you were to inherently know they are talking 
to you in the first place. You see they don't see 
"us", but they see "themselves" as the blind person in our shoes.

The second mirror is this. Remember the person 
who grabbed your white cane to direct you while 
in a walking conversation? Conversely do you 
remember the person in the same situation that 
didn't give your blindness a second thought? 
Think about those two people for a minute. Was 
the one grabbing for the cane a weak type of 
person who is a bit insecure? A bit unsure in 
life? One who   is themselves dependent  ? A 
person a bit undecided in life?  A soul ambling 
through life directed by situations surrounding them?

Or perhaps the opposite side of the same coin, 
someone with a know-it-all facade? Someone with a 
quiet or bold  attitude of superiority? 
One  appearing to be strong by always being 
right? Someone over the top in bold dominancy? 
These types  are likely over compensating for 
those same insecurities as those outwardly 
appearing weak, just in a quite different way.

What then about the person who carried on 
oblivious to the cane and its  meaning as they 
continued walking and talking with you? What can 
we say about them? Were they a solid silent type? 
Someone fairly sure of themselves? A competent 
person? A risk taker perhaps? Someone who enjoys 
a challenge? Perhaps themselves balanced in 
independency? A methodically confident person? My 
guess is they probably are some combination of these traits.

Respective to the above types, the same can be 
said for the one tripping over themselves to open 
a door, and the opposing one who exposed the 
apparent elephant in the room. Also the same for 
the waiter or waitress that asked your 
dinner-mate what you want for dinner or to drink, 
compared to the pencil wielding waitress with the no nonsense attitude.

So what is the usefulness  in knowing this? For 
me at least, it is tremendously helpful to 
understand another person while in conversation 
or doing daily business. I am forever reading 
other people, unfortunately forgetting their name 
two seconds after we meet because I'd been 
reading what they are really about the whole 
while.  But for me to understand who they are and 
why they do what they do is tantamount to helping 
me react in a way that will empower or positively 
enable me to utilize the encounter to my 
emotional or future advantage. Even if it serves 
the purpose I won't lose control, fly off the 
handle in the moment, or get sarcastic or terse 
with them, even if it simply keeps me on top of 
the conversation or situation, because I know 
when I get out of control, invariably fear is present someplace.

I really have nothing to fear encountering any 
type of insecure sighted person as a blind 
individual, and can remain  in control through my 
own security. As a result I am free to treat 
them  in a more constructive manner.

So you see we are really just walking mirrors 
which when other's see us, they see themselves 
based on their own security or insecurity in 
life, and in the process enables us to  see their 
reflection of themselves with the advantage of 
handling the situation to our emotional gain. We 
decide for ourselves who really needs the pity or 
help in the situation and conduct ourselves 
accordingly. It really is a humorous trick on our 
part, but since they've initiated it with their 
response to our presence, why not finish it using 
it to our gain, and truthfully the good of all.

?2011 Brad Dunse