[stylist] Walking Mirrors

[Justin Oldham]

There is no one right way to be blind.  We're always going to encounter 
resistance.  A precious few in the sighted community are educated enough to 
deal with us fairly.  The rest are making it up as they go along.  The 
obligation falls to us, no matter how long we've been blind, to be the 
better example.

Each of us has the potential to be the very first blind person that any 
sighted man, woman, or child, has ever dealt with.  That initial encounter 
can determine the motivation of their behavior for the rest of their lives. 
Each positive encounter creates one more sghterd oerson who doesn't think 
its a big deal that we are blind.

Each of ehese encounters is a teachable moment, if we are willing to be the 
teachers.  Showing impatience or using a sharp tongue to correct the sighted 
offender doesn't help us as individuals, and it certainly does not help our 
cause as blind citizens who want to be taken seriously.

I was born this way, and I've lost count of how many people I've had 
friction with because they couldn't handle the fact that I was blind.  I 
don't hold it against them. It's their hang up. Not mine.  In all cases, 
they don't know stuff about blind folks because they never had to know.

They are forced to learn, each time they deal with you.  Some prejudices 
will never be overcome.  Some people don't want learn certain things, and 
they'll fight tooth-and-nail to keep or maintain their world view.  Those 
people can't be reached.

Everyone else is fiar game...and...most of them actually wants to know what 
you have show them (by how you behave) or what you have to tell them (with 
or without spicy language).  Teach 'em. Learn 'em what they need to know 
with whatever mercy you choose to give them, and move on.

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Bridgit Pollpeter" <bpollpeter at hotmail.com>
To: <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Tuesday, September 20, 2011 6:18 PM
Subject: [stylist] Walking Mirrors


>I do agree that how we respond says a lot to people we encounter.
> Blindness has never been viewed medically, socially, professionally or
> culturally as a perfectly exceptable  way to live. The "fear" of the
> unknown trumps any logic that could make living as a blind person okay.
> When we react with anger, we do nothing to change minds; after all, who
> wants to associate with a bear on a rampage? It turns people off.
>
> However, I completely understand the frustration of dealing with the
> ignorant people and those who assume. Just today, while at the doctor, I
> couldn't find my signature guide. Ross, the hubby, likes to come with me
> to my appointments if he can. I called him over so I could borrow his
> signature guide, but the front desk worker said, "Oh, he's going to sign
> for you?" This came after asking if it was okay for me to sign some
> paperwork. I didn't flip, but inside I was seething. The real rub is
> that Ross is blind too and carries a cane, so I never quite know how to
> take this.
>
> Why are we expected to smile and make these people feel okay? Why do we
> have to be belittled, demeaned, treated like children, have our ability
> to care for ourselves, and others, questioned? No, not everyone acts
> this way, but many do. We are expected to accept ignorance and
> ridiculous perceptions, but no one is ever expected to accept that we're
> adults with lives, and when people encounter us out-and-about, we must
> be okay seeing we are doing things on our own. Instead, they get to
> accept we're less capable, and when sighted people are around, we have
> saviors who can provide us some helpful cheer for the day.
>
> I come from a fully sighted perspective. I was sighted for 22 years, and
> when I lost my vision, I didn't lose who I was. I retained all the same
> interests, opinions, personality; yet, I enter a room, and far to many
> people don't look past the cane.
>
> Having been blind for only eight years, I find it difficult to accept
> this. I want to be exceptional, but not because I can tie my shoes. I
> want to stand out, but not because I walk down the street without
> bumping into objects. I want to inspire, but not because I have overcome
> the obstacles of blindness, which tend to be negative views as opposed
> to blindness itself. Everything I do is viewed in the context of
> blindness.
>
> Long before I knew about the Federation or skills of the blind or
> training, I naturally understood that as a blind person, I could still
> be me; I could still do the same things. When I learned of the
> Federation and its views on blindness, I thought, wow, finally someone
> else gets it. I didn't question my abilities; I didn't think limitations
> were a part of the blindness package. This is what upsets me and
> frustrates me. People don't get it- blind and sighted. We're people with
> feelings, thoughts, emotions, talents, and not everything revolves
> around blindness. And not everything is a huge obstacle. Our life
> experience isn't different, and 99% of the time, our difficulties lay in
> the perceptions and attitudes projected by society.
>
> Instead of figuring things out, and seeking solutions, we accept these
> perceptions of reality as truth. We think blindness creates a barrier we
> must push through for every little thing. I can't speak Swahili, have no
> concept of it, don't know the first thing, doesn't mean I don't believe
> others can speak it and learn it. This is what we do with blindness; we
> have no concept of how to live nonvisually; we can't fathom how to do
> things, so we decide to assume it's impossible. Yet, there are those of
> us who know better. We live every day accomplishing all sorts of things
> nonvisually, yet no one wants to believe us.
>
> So this is why we get frustrated. This is why we blow up sometimes.
> People may intend to be kind and helpful, but, especially as an adult,
> it becomes tiresome to have people assume I need help for every little
> thing. I'm not defending irate behavior, but I do understand the
> sentiment.
>
> Humans are complex creatures. So much influences us, negatively and
> positively. Our family, environment, pop culture, friends, our own
> natural personality. Why some view disability different than others,
> who's to say? And while I don't believe in skinning people alive, I also
> think it's unfair to always be expected to surrender to society's
> "kindness" because they "don't know better." When children misbehave
> because they don't know better, do we allow the behavior to go
> unchecked? No, so why do we allow ignorant behavior to slide in adults?
> We don't have to react to each individual instance of ignorant behavior,
> but sometimes, we should speak up, inform and educate. It's not fair we
> always have to feel bad because of ignorant behavior.
>
> Sincerely,
> Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
> Read my blog at:
> http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
>
> "History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
> The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan
>
> Message: 21
> Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2011 09:12:31 -0500
> From: Brad Dunse' <lists at braddunsemusic.com>
> To: Writer's Division Mailing List <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: [stylist] Writing exercise
> Message-ID: <131652797078938600 at t14.hostbaby.com>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"; format=flowed
>
> Just some thoghts as an exercise in writing, editing, re-writing,
> etc....
>
> Walking Mirrors
> By Brad Dunse
>
> Over twenty years ago I was diagnosed with
> Retinitis Pigmentosa. From that day forward life
> has been an incredible journey of personal
> heartbreak, discovery, growth, joy, success, and
> a host of life learning experiences.
>
> One such continual lesson is the journey of
> personal behavior in reaction to events
> surrounding us and the conduct of others. How and
> why people, specifically me, react the way we do in certain life
> situations.
>
> Particular to this writing is my reaction to the
> varying affects we have as blind individuals on
> the garden variety sighted human. Why the varied
> responses to our personal exchange with them out
> on the street, in the workplace, or grocery store?
>
> What compels one person to physically grab your
> white cane, attempting to pull it in the
> direction they'd like you to go, while yet
> another will carry on a walking conversation
> without concern a cane is even present?
>
> Why is it one person will awkwardly try to help,
> leaving you witness to their spilled purses,
> dropped grocery bags, or crashed shopping carts
> as pseudo-heroics cause them to trip for the door
> prior to your reaching for it, while another
> honestly addresses the elephant in the room
> admitting they've never encountered a blind
> person before so if help is needed they'll just rely on you to say so.
>
> Why is it one waitress will ask your dinner-mate
> what it is you want off the menu as if you were
> an incapable toddler, while another will simply
> pull a pencil from behind the ear, flip a page
> back off the notepad, poke the pencil down on the
> paper, look at you and say "OK Hun, what can I get you".
>
> When I first came to learning about blindness,
> having much usable vision myself and carrying a
> sighted person's  perspective, I may not have
> known or even thought of how I might handle
> myself in the company of a blind individual, but
> without question I'd treat them with dignity and
> respect   the same manner I try to treat anyone.
>
> In that same time frame I observed tirades from
> blind individuals as a result of their frustrated
> reaction to stereotypes and assumptions from
> people they met on the streets treating them like helpless dotes.
>
> I remember one incident involving a blind lady I
> knew who was getting on a city bus. A fellow
> passenger offered to help her. And in this
> particular case the individual trying to help was
> really not that far out of line in my opinion,
> more chivalrous than patronizing. . Nonetheless
> the blind woman's demeanor horrifically snapped
> in front of the entire busload of people, really
> letting the well intentioned passenger have it
> good.  That scene was indelibly etched in my mind
> and caused me a considerable amount of
> consternation. Though I was disappointed by the
> reaction of this woman positioned as mentor, I
> was not judgmental of her, I was simply trying to
> understand her response to a well-meaning person.
>
> Of course over time I learned more about mobility
> skills and encountering  sighted folks who
> reacted out of ignorance. Often times these
> encounters take on  a belittling atmosphere of
> social helplessness, gaining intensity as well as
> audience  the more it  is allowed to continue. I
> began to understand how shear repetition of
> having to deal with it could become quite annoying.
>
> The woman on the bus whose temper exploded at the
> well-meaning passenger reminded me of the very
> first time I got on an email discussion list as a
> new information highway passenger. My very first
> mass internet communication and I was excited to
> be trying this new medium out, it was going to be awesome.
>
> Not long after subscribing, a net acquaintance of
> mine forwarded me one of those virus warnings.
> You know one of the hoaxes out there  which some
> folks are driven to pass along? just in case?
> Well? Knowing no better I passed it straight up
> to the email list like a good helpful,
> responsible and yes ignorant person might do.
> Within minutes I was berated in front of the
> entire list, pretty badly I might add.
>
> I was quite angry, upset and even hurt. I was
> only trying to help, just trying to be a
> responsible person because seeing someone fall
> prey to this so called virus when I could avoid it was not pleasurable.
>
> My first reaction was to assume "Geez! People on
> these email lists are rude, angry and just not
> very nice people at all. If that's the way they
> are going to be, I'll let them to their own
> misery!" Of course over time and many discussion
> memberships later, I learned how often  virus
> forwards occurred and how it took up people's
> valuable time. Such posts  become repetitious
> aggravations, which this person happened to have
> had just one too many such posts with mine.
>
> After the fact, like the person sending the nasty
> email, I understood the reason for the fellow
> blind person's over reaction on the bus. Still, I
> vowed I did not want to give that first
> impression to someone trying to help. Even if
> their help was out of ignorance just like I was
> with my virus warning. Even if  it was out of a
> needless sense of pity or inappropriate sense of
> superiority, I did not want to just hand over my
> emotional control to someone by hyper-reacting to
> their behavior. Neither did I want to make them
> feel as I had   with my well-meaning yet ignorant post to the discussion
> list.
>
> I then began to question and discover why this
> happens. Why the differing reactions like the
> ones mentioned earlier?  Maybe I'm wrong, maybe
> it is uniquely limited to my experience, or
> perhaps living these years as a blind person has
> yet to teach me more in this area. Or in fact
> maybe it is merely a perspective that isn't an
> absolute but a generalization which serves my
> purpose for my own outcomes and education of dealing with such sighted
> folks.
>
> At any rate  I've come to believe that to others
> we are not blind people at all. They really do
> not see "us" as blind people. What they do see is
> "themselves" as a blind person in our encounter
> with them. What do I mean? The reason they react
> as they do is sort of a dual mirror. They see a
> blind person across the street happily tapping
> along a sidewalk for instance. What they also see
> ten feet directly in front is the stone planter
> smack dab in the middle of the sidewalk. However,
> what they really see is themselves as the blind
> person based on their own lack of experiential
> reference and knowledge. They know without a
> doubt if they were that blind person, there would
> be one heck of a bloody crash. To avoid their
> feeling this way, they holler across traffic
> "Watch out for the planter in front of you!" As
> if you were to inherently know they are talking
> to you in the first place. You see they don't see
> "us", but they see "themselves" as the blind person in our shoes.
>
> The second mirror is this. Remember the person
> who grabbed your white cane to direct you while
> in a walking conversation? Conversely do you
> remember the person in the same situation that
> didn't give your blindness a second thought?
> Think about those two people for a minute. Was
> the one grabbing for the cane a weak type of
> person who is a bit insecure? A bit unsure in
> life? One who   is themselves dependent  ? A
> person a bit undecided in life?  A soul ambling
> through life directed by situations surrounding them?
>
> Or perhaps the opposite side of the same coin,
> someone with a know-it-all facade? Someone with a
> quiet or bold  attitude of superiority?
> One  appearing to be strong by always being
> right? Someone over the top in bold dominancy?
> These types  are likely over compensating for
> those same insecurities as those outwardly
> appearing weak, just in a quite different way.
>
> What then about the person who carried on
> oblivious to the cane and its  meaning as they
> continued walking and talking with you? What can
> we say about them? Were they a solid silent type?
> Someone fairly sure of themselves? A competent
> person? A risk taker perhaps? Someone who enjoys
> a challenge? Perhaps themselves balanced in
> independency? A methodically confident person? My
> guess is they probably are some combination of these traits.
>
> Respective to the above types, the same can be
> said for the one tripping over themselves to open
> a door, and the opposing one who exposed the
> apparent elephant in the room. Also the same for
> the waiter or waitress that asked your
> dinner-mate what you want for dinner or to drink,
> compared to the pencil wielding waitress with the no nonsense attitude.
>
> So what is the usefulness  in knowing this? For
> me at least, it is tremendously helpful to
> understand another person while in conversation
> or doing daily business. I am forever reading
> other people, unfortunately forgetting their name
> two seconds after we meet because I'd been
> reading what they are really about the whole
> while.  But for me to understand who they are and
> why they do what they do is tantamount to helping
> me react in a way that will empower or positively
> enable me to utilize the encounter to my
> emotional or future advantage. Even if it serves
> the purpose I won't lose control, fly off the
> handle in the moment, or get sarcastic or terse
> with them, even if it simply keeps me on top of
> the conversation or situation, because I know
> when I get out of control, invariably fear is present someplace.
>
> I really have nothing to fear encountering any
> type of insecure sighted person as a blind
> individual, and can remain  in control through my
> own security. As a result I am free to treat
> them  in a more constructive manner.
>
> So you see we are really just walking mirrors
> which when other's see us, they see themselves
> based on their own security or insecurity in
> life, and in the process enables us to  see their
> reflection of themselves with the advantage of
> handling the situation to our emotional gain. We
> decide for ourselves who really needs the pity or
> help in the situation and conduct ourselves
> accordingly. It really is a humorous trick on our
> part, but since they've initiated it with their
> response to our presence, why not finish it using
> it to our gain, and truthfully the good of all.
>
> ?2011 Brad Dunse
>
>
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