[stylist] Humor excersize submission, dark humor, short play

[Bernadetta Pracon]

Hi everyone,
As promised, I am submitting a short play that I wrote for my college 
playwriting course a few years ago. I will admit, this isn't the best 
attempt at playwriting, and some might not find this funny at all, but 
I'm curious to find out what you all think. This hasn't ever been 
revised so far; I wrote it my freshman year of college.
here goes. Enjoy!

BABY-SNATCHER

A 10 Minute Play

BY

Bernadetta Pracon

Character description:

Aubrie Jaymes:  Young southern woman, strong southern accent mid 
twenties, small figure, looks slightly untidy and disheveled.

Willamina "Willa" Brice: Tough-looking but friendly woman, mid forties, 
Aubrie's neighbor.

Elaine Krantz: Pretty woman, early thirties

Setting: Small town in Alabama, Aubrie's apartment.

Present

At Rise:

Aubrie is in her tiny, untidy studio apartment. There are clothes 
scattered around everywhere-- mostly baby clothes. A worn-out crib in 
wich a baby sleeps wrapped up in a pink blanket is in the center of the 
room. Aubrie sits in a rocking chair in one corner of the room, 
watching a soap opera on an old television set.

(She hears a knock on her door and stands up.)

AUBRIE:
Well, Ah wonder who that might be.

(walking toward the door)

This time uh day... Don't people have nothin' better to do than spoil 
mah free time...

(trails off, opening the door a crack. She sees Willamina Brice.

(surprised and flustered, seemingly skiddish)

Whah... hello! And, Well who might you be Miss, and what is it that Ah 
could do for ya'll on this fine day?

WILLA:
(smiling pleasantly)
Hello. I'm Willa Brice, your neighbor. I live two doors down... I bet I 
look at least a little familiar, no?

AUBRIE:
 (still puzzled)
Yes ma'am, Yes you do. I thought I seen you somewhere...

WILLA:
So don't mind me, I just came by to see how you are sweetie. See if you 
might need anything.

Aubrie:
 Well Ah'm doin' jus' fine, Miss Willa.

WILLA:
And the baby?

AUBRIE:
(shocked)
The baby! Oh!! You know 'bout the baby... How'd ya know 'bout the baby?

WILLA:
(smiles pleasantly again)
Well dear, that's why I came by, you see... I've seen you lately, seen 
the little baby bump, and then yesterday I watched you come in the 
building with the precious little bundle in your arms. And you seem so 
all alone, you don't seem like you have anyone,

(backing up slightly, seemingly embarrassed)

Oh my goodness, I'm sorry, I feel very embarrassed, really... I just 
came by to offer a hand, in  a neighborly way you know, see if I could 
help... What's it anyway, a boy or a girl?

AUBRIE:
 Whah, that's so kind of ya, Miss Willa. So nice... Mah, baby boy is 
takin' himself a lil nap right 'bout now, and ah was jus' watchin' me 
some Life's Sweet Embrace. Great show--

WILLA:
(faigning enthusiasm)
Oh my, I love that show. I haven't seen it for months now. Busy at 
work, you know...

(she steps forward, closer toward the threshold of the apartment.)

AUBRIE:
Oh, so then whah don't you come in for a spell then, Miss Willa.  We 
can have us some lem'nade if ya like, watch some TV and chatter us up a storm.

WILLA

(suppressing a grin)
Oh sure! that's a fantastic idea.

(She walks briskly past Aubrie as Aubrie closes the door.  Willa spots 
the baby's crib and peers inside.)

WILLA:
Oh my, you could barely even see him. He's so tiny! Positively a drop 
of a person!

(She slowly  moves the blanket aside as Aubrie stands behind her watching.)

Oh, but he is precious! So sweet... What's his name?

AUBRIE:
(a bit uneasy)
It's Tobias, Ma'am.

WILLA:
(trying not to laugh)
Tobias! Oh how cute!

(The baby stirs.)

AUBRIE:
Scuse me Ma'am, might wanna lower your voice jus' a tad bit, or he's 
gonna wake up.

WILLA:
(still normal tone of voice)
Oh, of course, of course, certainly.

(They sit on a couch and  watch the television for a while. Beat.)

WILLA
So sweetie, who got you all the baby things. did you at least have a 
baby shower?

AUBRIE:
Naw, Ah jus' picked stuff up here and there, ya know, garage sales an' such.

WILLA:
(comtemplating)
Hmm. ok.

(pause.)

Yeah, this crib looks a bit worn out...

AUBRIE:
(smiling nervously)
Oh, it'll do jus' fine, Miss Willa. Jus' fine.

(They focus they're attention on the tv again. Beat. Willa gets up, 
ruffle's the baby's blanket, then his tiny bit of hair.)

WILLA:
Well he certainly  is a sweet boy.

(The baby wakes up. Aubrie runs over awkwardly, picks him up, looking 
slightly annoyed at Willa for waking him.)

AUBRIE:
Yes Ma'am.

WILLA:
So, where's his daddy? such a cute baby surely has a handsome daddy... 
does he look anything like him perhaps. I'll bet he does.

AUBRIE:
(nervous, blushing, annoyed)
Ah, Ah don't know Ma'am.

(Willa begins to stare her down.)

WILLA:
(tougher tone, incredulous )
You don't know?

AUBRIE:
(meekly)
No Ma'am, ah don't.

WILLA:
(condescending tone)
Well why not? How could you not know?

AUBRIE:
Ah don't. Ah don't know who his daddy is.

The baby starts to cry.

WILLA:
(seemingly outraged, wringing her hands wildly )
You don't know who his daddy is?

AUBRIE:
(very flustered again, uneasy, )
No. But Ma'am, Ah thank that maybe it's best ya'all start to get goin' 
now. Mah baby's up now and he's fussin' so ah don't see this as a time 
fit for comp'ny. 'Scuse me, terribly sorry Miss.

WILLA:
(smiling a fake smile, not moving)
Oh, nonsense. Babies love to socialize I heard. Plus, I really would 
like some tea since you already offered... Anyways, so how is it that 
you don't know who this baby's daddy is.

(Aubrie glares at Willa.)

AUBRIE:
(voice quivering)
Ah don't see how that's any of your business anyhow, Miss Willa, 'bout 
mah baby that is. And the tea, Ah already told ya that this ain't no 
time fit for comp'ny.

(*Willa stand's up.)

WILLA:
Well if that's what you think... Maybe another time then.

(Pause)

Perhaps, you can walk me to the door at least.

(Aubrie walks behind Willa, and once they reach the door, Willa 
suddenly turns to face Aubrie.)

WILLA:
Oh, and i know why you don't know who your baby's daddy is. i have a theory.

AUBRIE:
(struggling to remain composed)
Oh? an' wah's that, Miss Willa?

WILLA
You don't know anything about this baby's daddy,  because this isn't your baby.

AUBRIE"
(bewildered and terrified)
What? What... What do you mean Ma'am, this is ah baby.

WILLA:
No. It is not. Jonny was born exactly six days ago to a young married 
couple. They left him in their car while picking up some emergency 
items at CVS. And you came up and...

AUBRIE:
(alarmed)
No! No! No Miss Willa, this mah baby. He's mahn...

(She wraps the baby tighter in her arms.) The baby cries loudly.

WILLA:
You stole this couples baby, young lady. You kidnapped a little boy!

AUBRIE:
Shhhhh, Tobias, Mamma's right here, baby boy, Mamma's right here.

WILLA:
It's Johnny.

(Aubrie backs away protectively.)

AUBRIE:
Tobias!

(The baby cries louder and she bounces him a little frantically , still 
alarmed.)

(to the baby)

Shut up, shut up, shut up! Cain't ya see mamma's tryin' to keep ya 
safe? Shut up!

(to Willa)

Now Miss Willa. This here is mah baby--

WILLA:
You stole him out of a car. You kidnapped--

AUBRIE:
Ah took him out a car, yes! Ah took him 'cause I seen how they take 
care of him! Leavin' a child alone in a car, all by his lonesome! Ah 
love him! He's mahn! Now step away!

WILLA:
(calmly)

He is not yours. He belongs to Elaine Krantz and her husband. Now Miss 
Jaymes, I am a police officer and I have come to take this child and 
return him safely to his parents. Please release the baby. Give him here.

 AUBRIE:
No! No! Step away 'fore Ah throw him!

(With a manic expression in her eyes, she lifts the baby over her head 
and dangles him behind her, holding him by the armpits.)

Sorry Toby. Mamma's gotta do this to protect you.

(Elaine Krantz bursts through the door of the apartment in hysterics)

ELAINE:
(alarmed)
You crazy bitch give me back my baby! my baby! my baby!

WILLA:
here's the baby's real mother. Now if you hurt this baby, you'll be in 
the slammer forever, I promise!

(Elaine rushes over to grab the baby out of Aubrie's grasp. Aubrie screams)

AUBRIE:
(shrill tone)
That's not  her! Not her! She's not his mamma!

ELAINE:
He's my baby! Give me my baby!

(Willa intercepts, slides the baby out of Aubrey's grasp,  carries the 
baby in her arms now.)

WILLA:
Elaine, please step out of the apartment andI will bring you your baby.

(Elaine exits)

(Aubrie tries to grab at the baby but he is just out of her reach.)

AUBRIE:
Give him back! Give him back! No! Baby snatcher! Baby-snatcher!

(she is left wailing helplessly in her apartment as Willa briskly exits 
with the baby. Willa enters a squad car where Elaine is sitting in the 
passenger seat. Elaine takes the baby, puts him in her lap, opens a can 
of sprite, and  pours a bit into a four-ounce glass baby bottle.

ELAINE:
Nice job, sweetheart, that was some good role playing on your part.

(she leans over and kisses Willa on the lips as Willa starts the car)

WILLA:
You too, darling. You too. But I do feel just a little guilty--

ELAINE:
(laughing)
No need sweetheart. We've done Johnny a favor, really. He doesn't have 
his real mommy and daddy, but at least he won't end up with a redneck 
nutjob for a parent.

(willa smiles at Elaine as they speed away in the squad car)

WILLA:
Right. He'll have two mommies instead.




End of play

sincerely

Bernadetta P


 here goes. Enjoy!

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