[stylist] New submission untitled

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

I'm not sure if I agree about adding too much internal dialogue. This is
more a matter of perspective, but if over-done, internal dialogue can
bog a story down just as much as author exposition. I think Bernadetta
could find a few places to in put internal dialogue, but I think she has
done a great job with giving us these details through characterization,
scenic development and description without having to dip into internal
dialogue. Personally, I like that we are not in a single POV, but again,
this is up to author perspective as much as reader, and this is not to
say other types of POV are not as good, but in the case of this story, I
kind of like the POV and style.

The pacing is really good right now, and I would worry the pacing could
slow a bit if too much ID was written. I see what you are saying, Chris,
and perhaps in a revision, expansion of setting and more in-depth
characterization through dialogue, clothing and body language can
provide more context without having to rely heavily on internal
dialogue. And if ever using this for a bigger piece, flashbacks would
obviously be another way to give context and background.

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
 
"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan

Message: 14
Date: Wed, 4 Apr 2012 08:30:35 -0400
From: "Chris Kuell" <ckuell at comcast.net>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [stylist] new submission, untitled
Message-ID: <34EBC646A1484E0AB4FB7E59DA134BEF at ChrisPC>
Content-Type: text/plain; format=flowed; charset="iso-8859-1";
	reply-type=response

Hey Bernadetta,

This is a haunting piece. The mother is so cold, and the father isn't 
exactly Johnny Sunshine, either. Your dialogue, setting, and details are
all 
good. I think the piece might benefit from a change in POV, into one of
the 
parent's heads. As written, we readers are just observers of this frigid

parting. If we were in one of the parents heads, we could better see
their 
characters, and perhaps even the other character through internal
dialogue.

A dancer, Alan thought. She hasn't danced since doing Grease back in
high 
school, and she was pretty klutzy even then. What kind of cold-hearted
woman 
can just leave her child?What kind of fucked-up childhood must she have
had, 
and how could I have not seen it?

Or: Look at him over there, swearing at me, swearing at the baby, above 
reproach. Well sweetheart, I've got a big surprise for you. A fucking
huge 
surprise for you. I told you five years ago I wouldn't do the whole
Mommy 
thing, wouldn't play the nice wife at home while you skipped up the 
corporate ladder, won't host bridge parties or haul the kids around to 
soccer games and gymnastics in a goddamned minivan with 'My kids is an
honor 
roll student' bumper stickers. No way. That nightmare ends today...

Even without a POV change, I think the husband needs to respond verbally

about her career move, needs to plead with her to stay, needs to say 
something about what kind of a mother can just walk away from her baby.

You've done a great job drawing me into this piece, making me care what 
happens, which is a testament to your writing skills. Good job.

Switching gears, I did read 'Haunted' by Chuck Palahniuk. Another friend

recommended his books to me, and I have to say, it ranks on my top 5 
weirdest books I've ever read list. The humor was more strange than dark
to 
me, but I'm a fan of 'realistic' fiction. I do like South Park, although
I 
agree it is overly crude at times. Have you ever seen or read 'War of
the 
Roses'? To me, that's great dark comedy.

chris