[stylist] Comments on external description exercise

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Shawn,

The only section questionable is your final sentence:

Anyone seeing them would catch the focused stare of those in
single-minded concentration on a goal.

It implies internal thoughts. Something like, "Their determined
expressions radiated gold medal wins," or, "Sweat drenched the grim
stares of each jogger; a single-minded focus glazed narrowed their
vision." A lot of emphasis is suppose to be placed on the verbs, so of
course one would use verbs more fitting their style, but these are just
my examples. It takes it out of the thought realm and focuses on the
action.

Otherwise I felt the tension and determination of the joggers. I like
the contrast of the yogies and the joggers.

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
 
"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan

Message: 2
Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2012 14:01:00 -0400
From: "Jacobson, Shawn D" <Shawn.D.Jacobson at hud.gov>
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List' <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [stylist] Writing exercise- external descriptions
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OK, I'll bite.

Joggers circled the track dodging the occasional basketball from games
in the center of the gym.  They passed the race-walkers and the women
practicing yoga without comment.  Rap music boomed about them as they
traveled.  Anyone seeing them would catch the focused stare of those in
single-minded concentration on a goal.

Shawn