[stylist] Comments on external description exercise

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Andi,

Very vivid imagery. Definitely setting a city scope. One comment, try
surgical editing along with using stronger verbs to make action more
prevalent. For example:

Yours: The city streets were crowded with people going about their day.
Tourists alternated between looking in awe at different sights and
staring in confusion at paper maps.  

Instead, something like, "The city streets were crowded. People hustled
towards their destinations. Screeches, honks, rustles, clicks, clacks
and shouting filled the atmosphere. People studied maps scratching their
heads, glancing up with confusion from time-to-time as the city whirled
about them."

Again, just an example, but the verbs place more immediacy on the action
and give a stronger reaction to a reader.

For a short exercise though, you pack a lot of info in. I envision a
very colorful, hectic city. Awesome.

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
 
"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan

Message: 5
Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2012 18:38:28 -0400
From: "Andi" <adrianne.dempsey at gmail.com>
To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [stylist] Writing exercise- external descriptions
Message-ID: <4f9b1feb.e69f320a.7cf4.7f88 at mx.google.com>
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I'll bight to...

     The city streets were crowded with people going about their day.
Tourists alternated between looking in awe at different sights and
staring in confusion at paper maps.  Shopping bags dangled from fast
moving arms. Men in business suits carried their dress shoes and
briefcases while sporting jogging shoes as they hurried to catch busses
and trains.  High heals clicked quickly as women in skirt suits raced
after the same public transportation modes.  Taxi cab drivers honked
impatiently while weaving dangerously through traffic.  A loud boom box
permeated the air as two teenage boys and a girl performed a brake dance
routine on a sidewalk. Street venders served up hot dogs and tacos to
paying customers.  The whole atmosphere had an air of movement,  nothing
was still, not even the buildings as revolving doors whirled and people
moved past windows.  

Andi