[stylist] Comments on external description exercise

[Andi]

Bridgit  
Thank you for introducing the exercise, and your constructive criticisms.  I
am always looking for ways to improve and this was a fun little implement.
I will work on the things you suggested, thank you for the valuable advice.
Also I really liked the imagery your righting presented.  I loved the
description of the girl.  I also liked the other two righting the homeless
man and the joggers.  Good job Shawn and Chris..

Andi

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Bridgit Pollpeter
Sent: Saturday, April 28, 2012 11:52 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] Comments on external description exercise

Andi,

Very vivid imagery. Definitely setting a city scope. One comment, try
surgical editing along with using stronger verbs to make action more
prevalent. For example:

Yours: The city streets were crowded with people going about their day.
Tourists alternated between looking in awe at different sights and staring
in confusion at paper maps.  

Instead, something like, "The city streets were crowded. People hustled
towards their destinations. Screeches, honks, rustles, clicks, clacks and
shouting filled the atmosphere. People studied maps scratching their heads,
glancing up with confusion from time-to-time as the city whirled about
them."

Again, just an example, but the verbs place more immediacy on the action and
give a stronger reaction to a reader.

For a short exercise though, you pack a lot of info in. I envision a very
colorful, hectic city. Awesome.

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
 
"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan

Message: 5
Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2012 18:38:28 -0400
From: "Andi" <adrianne.dempsey at gmail.com>
To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [stylist] Writing exercise- external descriptions
Message-ID: <4f9b1feb.e69f320a.7cf4.7f88 at mx.google.com>
Content-Type: text/plain;	charset="us-ascii"

I'll bight to...

     The city streets were crowded with people going about their day.
Tourists alternated between looking in awe at different sights and staring
in confusion at paper maps.  Shopping bags dangled from fast moving arms.
Men in business suits carried their dress shoes and briefcases while
sporting jogging shoes as they hurried to catch busses and trains.  High
heals clicked quickly as women in skirt suits raced after the same public
transportation modes.  Taxi cab drivers honked impatiently while weaving
dangerously through traffic.  A loud boom box permeated the air as two
teenage boys and a girl performed a brake dance routine on a sidewalk.
Street venders served up hot dogs and tacos to paying customers.  The whole
atmosphere had an air of movement,  nothing was still, not even the
buildings as revolving doors whirled and people moved past windows.  

Andi


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