[stylist] Robert's December's writing prompt contribution

[Chris Kuell]

Robert,

This was an interesting read, but it needs a bit of work, in my opinion. If 
you remember the original comic book and TV show, there wasn't any narrator 
to tell what the characters were thinking or what their emotions were. It 
was done via the actors, by their actions and dialogue. I think it will help 
if you remember that when editing this further. I have a few more specific 
suggestions below.

Thanks for sharing.

chris

I've never heard of toe-haired. Did you mean toe-headed? Even so, the term 
may not be familiar to some of your readers, and 'blonde' would allow you to 
cut one more word.

...said the boy in his typical(,) almost too cheerful voice.

"Oh, you mean the kids program at the Rehab center for the blind I was 
attending for the past three months? are you wondering how I'm doing, Mr. 
Wilson?" Dennis said as he rapidly neared where his elderly neighbor stood.
CK - Dennis's dialogue is awkward, and you are filling in information that 
probably isn't needed. I'd go with the shorter:
"You mean the kids program at the Rehab center for the blind ?" Dennis 
rapidly neared where Mr. Wilson stood.

Feet beginning to shuffle first right, then left, uncertainty showing on his 
face and motivating his movements, "Ah-er, Do you think you need to slow 
down there?"
CK - this is telling, and I believe a POV shift. Plus, the 'ah-ers are 
getting tedious.Just say something like- Mr. Wilson shuffled nervously, 
concern etched all over his face. "Careful, Dennis. Slow down there."

"Well...you might want to take it easier now. Considering, ah-er" Mr. Wilson
tried to step aside, out of the path of the speeding boy and the left to
right arching of the metal cane tip that looked to him that it could bruise
the ankle.
CK - This is awkward. Do you really need to describe which direction the 
cane is moving, or Wilson's thoughts about whether or not the cane tip will 
hurt? Isn't the point that he moved, so Dennis tripped him and he fell 
against the gate?

"Gee Mr. Wilson! That hurts, doesn't it!
CK - didn't Dennis always say "Gee whiz...?"

"Yes Dennis..." said Mr. Wilson his tone veiled in shades of incongruity and
insincerity
CK - you are telling us his emotions. Better to show us through his actions 
and dialogue. If your dialogue doesn't show his emotions, work on improving 
your dialogue.