[stylist] Feedback request on writing exercise

[Barbara Hammel]

I would maybe write preparation instead of prep.

Barbara


A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd. --  
Max Lucado
-----Original Message----- 
From: BradDunsé
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 12:32 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: [stylist] Feedback request on writing exercise

OK. This is a little bit different of a request.
I'm taking an on-line  freelance commercial
writing course focusing on
business-to-Business  copy, and the assignment
was to write a sales bit geared towards food
management  pitching  an Acme Pro  cordless commercial can-opener featuring:

• Rechargeable build-in battery. No plug-in cords required.
• Small size. Takes up half the counter space of
comparable models, yet just as powerful.
•The cutting blade has a special mechanism that
dulls the metal as it opens the can leaving no sharp edges.
• Sanitary stainless steel construction. Water
resistant. Withstands a five-foot drop onto a hard surface without damage.

I was to balance out the benefits and features.
It's written in more of a conversational tone.
Any  feedback is welcome.  Here's what I came up with.

As food service manager, your job is as easy as
pie right? Yeah right. Concerns for food safety,
meal production time, and employee injury all
blur in the wake of employee schedules, menu
selections, inventory shrinkage, and product
rotation, not to mention the chief of concerns …customer satisfaction.

We at Acme feel there is a small but uniquely
valuable tool to help you. How does improved meal
production times, reduced employee injury, less
workspace clutter, and even a healthy share of
brownie points with the owner or supervisor sound to you?

When we say small, we mean the footprint-size not
effectiveness of our Acme Pro commercial cordless
can-opener. We're talking one-half the size of
any other opener on the market today, and there's
no sacrifice of cutting power with this
water-resistant, stainless steel housed tornado
either. So what does that mean to you? It means
cooking staff leaves the canned goods where they
are and brings the opener to them. Your purveyors
don't require you to come to their distribution
house for each case of goods do they? Of course
not, that's hardly time-efficient. Neither is
tethering your opener to the outlet, and dangling
the cord through your salad preps hauling a
monster-sized opener to the canned goods.

Acme Pro's Cordless counter-top portability also
converts to less time your staff are walking
about the kitchen or carrying canned product.
Kitchen traffic is a leading cause of injury on
the job right? Each footstep is a risk, and we
just eliminated a bunch of both threatening your safety record.

Another safety concern we had for your operation
is cuts. Cutlery concerns are out of our hands,
but opened cans and lids definitely are, and
their safe in your cook staff's hands too. Our
unique cutter has a dulling mechanism to take the
fear of cuts out of the meal-time prep equation.
Not only is Acme Pro partnering up with you to
hold the work compensation rates and work safety
thermometer at bay, but staff can get the job
done without treating opened cans and lids as
weapons of mass destruction. Again, it boils down
to safer more time efficient meal production, and
of course … those brownie points.

Finally, this little stainless workhorse is built
to last. If you care to, feel free to drop it
from a 5-foot surface straight to the floor …go
ahead … it won't break, we know … we've tested it.

Acme Pro commercial can-opener. Safe, fast,
durable, powerful, and portable. No need to open
up the brownie mix, you just did with the points
you scored with staff and management …that is …
if you put one of these babies to work for you soon.

Here's how …

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