[stylist] Feedback request on writing exercise

[Brad Dunsé]

Thanks Barbara

Brad


On 1/10/2012  02:08 PM Barbara Hammel said...
>I would maybe write preparation instead of prep. 
>Barbara A man who wants to lead the orchestra 
>must turn his back on the crowd. --  Max Lucado 
>-----Original Message----- From: BradDunsé 
>Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 12:32 PM To: 
>Writer's Division Mailing List Subject: 
>[stylist] Feedback request on writing exercise 
>OK. This is a little bit different of a request. 
>I'm taking an on-line  freelance commercial 
>writing course focusing on 
>business-to-Business  copy, and the assignment 
>was to write a sales bit geared towards food 
>management  pitching  an Acme Pro  cordless 
>commercial can-opener featuring: • Rechargeeable 
>build-in battery. No plug-in cords required. • 
>Smaall size. Takes up half the counter space of 
>comparable models, yet just as powerful. •The 
>cutting blade has a sppecial mechanism that 
>dulls the metal as it opens the can leaving no 
>sharp edges. • Sanitary stainless steel 
>consstruction. Water resistant. Withstands a 
>five-foot drop onto a hard surface without 
>damage. I was to balance out the benefits and 
>features. It's written in more of a 
>conversational tone. Any  feedback is 
>welcome.  Here's what I came up with. As food 
>service manager, your job is as easy as pie 
>right? Yeah right. Concerns for food safety, 
>meal production time, and employee injury all 
>blur in the wake of employee schedules, menu 
>selections, inventory shrinkage, and product 
>rotation, not to mention the chief of concerns 
>
customer satisfaction. We at Acme feel therre 
>is a small but uniquely valuable tool to help 
>you. How does improved meal production times, 
>reduced employee injury, less workspace clutter, 
>and even a healthy share of brownie points with 
>the owner or supervisor sound to you? When we 
>say small, we mean the footprint-size not 
>effectiveness of our Acme Pro commercial 
>cordless can-opener. We're talking one-half the 
>size of any other opener on the market today, 
>and there's no sacrifice of cutting power with 
>this water-resistant, stainless steel housed 
>tornado either. So what does that mean to you? 
>It means cooking staff leaves the canned goods 
>where they are and brings the opener to them. 
>Your purveyors don't require you to come to 
>their distribution house for each case of goods 
>do they? Of course not, that's hardly 
>time-efficient. Neither is tethering your opener 
>to the outlet, and dangling the cord through 
>your salad preps hauling a monster-sized opener 
>to the canned goods. Acme Pro's Cordless 
>counter-top portability also converts to less 
>time your staff are walking about the kitchen or 
>carrying canned product. Kitchen traffic is a 
>leading cause of injury on the job right? Each 
>footstep is a risk, and we just eliminated a 
>bunch of both threatening your safety record. 
>Another safety concern we had for your operation 
>is cuts. Cutlery concerns are out of our hands, 
>but opened cans and lids definitely are, and 
>their safe in your cook staff's hands too. Our 
>unique cutter has a dulling mechanism to take 
>the fear of cuts out of the meal-time prep 
>equation. Not only is Acme Pro partnering up 
>with you to hold the work compensation rates and 
>work safety thermometer at bay, but staff can 
>get the job done without treating opened cans 
>and lids as weapons of mass destruction. Again, 
>it boils down to safer more time efficient meal 
>production, and of course 
 those brownie 
>points. Finally, this little stainlless 
>workhorse is built to last. If you care to, feel 
>free to drop it from a 5-foot surface straight 
>to the floor …go ahead 
 it won't break, we 
>know 
 we've tested id it. Acme Pro commercial 
>can-opener. Safe, fast, durable, powerful, and 
>portable. No need to open up the brownie mix, 
>you just did with the points you scored with 
>staff and management 
that is 
 if you put one 
>of these babiesies to work for you soon. Here's 
>how 
 
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Brad Dunsé

"It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation"

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